


Mind's Eye

by FullofCats



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Brainwashing, Canon until Season 3, Child Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Grant Ward Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-01 18:44:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 48,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4030573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullofCats/pseuds/FullofCats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been two months since the events of SOS when it's revealed that it was originally Coulson and Hill's idea to get Ward released from the vault to infiltrate Hydra. When they recapture Ward, they discover he had been brainwashed. </p><p>Hill sends Ward to people who can help him. As Ward works though his brainwashing, more ugly memories come to light and he struggles to figure out their meaning.</p><p>This is a Grant Ward redemption story. If you don't like them, you don't have to read them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> For the sake of having Simmons in the story, I'm ignoring the Kree rock cliffhanger. 
> 
> Warning:  
> If you're a Skye/Skyeward fan, you might not like this story. (As Skye gets some verbal comeuppance.)  
> There is discussions of child abuse.  
> Ward does get both physically and emotional abused in this story (in both the present and in flashbacks) but it helps put him on the right path.  
> I wrote this story peeved at the AoS writers, so it's a little angry.  
> I don't have a beta and I'm dyslexic, so apologizes for errors.

“Maria, you didn’t need to come in for this,” Coulson said. He dreaded this meeting. Because it was a reminder of something he did that ended up being a big mistake. He showed Hill to a seat opposite his. He made himself comfortable behind his desk before Hill started talking.

“I want to know what the hell happened?” she said, bluntly and her voice raised slightly which was unusual for Hill. Even when she was angry she kept her tone normal.

“We gave a second chance to an agent we shouldn't have and because of that I almost lost two good people.”

Hill shook her head. “No, something is wrong. Something happened. I don’t know what.”

Coulson looked down. He respected Maria a lot but he realized now, that she didn’t always have the best judgment. She vetted Ward without learning his true allegiance. Then she convinced Coulson, that because Ward hadn’t broken his Hydra cover, they could use him to get close to Whitehall. 

“I’m sorry, Maria. I really am. I really thought he turned over a new leaf, vanishing after we took down Hydra, but it was all a lie to kidnap Bobbi Morse.”

“Did he seem different when you met him?”

“He was more outgoing and cocky.”

Maria looked confused and the anger left her voice. “Wait—Grant Ward was outgoing and cocky?”

“Yes.”

“We’re talking about the same Grant Ward. The one who sputters when you ask about his past?”

“Ward’s a spy, Maria. Haven’t you forgotten? He played all of us a fool pretending to be someone he’s not.”

Maria didn’t respond right away. She looked around the room like it would give her answers.

“I think you feel guilty. I do too. We let out a monster and people died and got hurt for it.” He didn’t say it, but he felt guilty too. 

“No,” she said and looked Coulson straight in the eye. “Every time Ward went undercover, his personality remained similar. He could act the extrovert for a job, but there were always cracks. Tell me more about Kara Palamas?”

“What’s to say? She was brainwashed and the wrong person pulled her out of it. I feel sorry for her. She didn’t deserve what she got. He twisted her. No different than Garrett twisted him. There was nothing we could do to save her. And I think it’s too late to save Ward. My intel says he’s been recruiting former Hydra people for a nefarious purpose.”

“What?” Hill said. Her faced filled with confusion. “Okay that makes even less sense. Ward never had any love for Hydra—Ever. He blames them for ruining his life.”

“He blames everyone but himself,” Coulson replied.

“Garrett took advantage of him. He needs some of the blame.”

“Garrett was very charming and maybe as a young man Ward fell for it, but he was a full adult when he betrayed us.”

Hill didn’t respond for a few minutes. Coulson thought she had something to say. Finally she started talking. “This is need to know. Just you. Ward didn’t fall for Garrett’s charms when he was young man, he fell for his charms when he was 15.”

Coulson looked slightly confused but he held in his surprised. “What? Did Ward tell you this?”

“I did some digging. Garrett was friends with the headmaster at the military school Ward attended. I thought I might give his old friend a visit. This man was terrified when I first mentioned Garrett, but he calmed down when I brought up that he turned over a kid over to Hydra. He admitted that as a favor to Garrett, he sent Operations fake records, grades, and recommendations. Ward confirmed that he met Garrett as a teenager, but won’t tell me what happened. All I know is he’s missing five years.”

Coulson said nothing. He looked at the model of Lola on his desk. The scanner had been removed and he had buried the hatchet with Mack over his betrayal, no pun intended as he looked at his missing hand. 

“What about his family? Where were they?”

“As far as I know, they didn’t care.”

Coulson didn’t respond right away. Finally he said. “I’m sorry for what happen to him. Do you think Garrett brainwashed him?”

Hill shrugged her shoulders. “He said no. He said owed Garrett everything, which was why he followed him. You don’t have to like what he did, Phil, but he’s been under Garrett’s thumb for a long time. He wanted to save Garrett’s life because he felt Garrett saved his. He said that neither of them were truly loyal to Hydra. Phil, you know that Ward and Garrett didn’t rise up when the Hydra call came. Garrett was more interested in saving his life.”

“I know and I gave Ward his second chance based on that intel. He took advantage of it. I’m sorry Maria, Ward is too dangerous and unpredictable.” 

“Can we try one last time?”

“I’m not giving him a third chance.”

She shook her head. “No—not that. Can you bring him in alive? I want to know what happened. As soon as I get that intel, I will have him taken into custody. You can ice him and put him in a strait jacket for transport. Can you do that? Can your agents bring him alive?”

“They can but I don’t know if they want too.”

“Phil, do they know we let him out?”

“Only Bobbi. Bobbi passed intel to him to find Bakshi.”

“She must have been pretty pissed off at you.”

“She started a coup. We’re even.”

Maria smiled. “Vendettas, Phil. That’s not what SHIELD is about.”

“Fury always had vendettas, you too.”

“Vendetta, bureaucracy, secrets, leaving our people behind, killing one person to save 10. That was all Hydra, Phil.”

Coulson shook his head. He thought about May. Killing the child to save her fellow SHIELD agents, but he also remembered how she lost herself doing it.

He ignored what she said and instead told her. “I’ll speak to my agents. Put together a team. We’ll get him.”

“Alive, Phil. I want him alive.”

“Alive,” he agreed.


	2. Hail Hydra?

No one was happy. Coulson had picked his team. Mostly for the brute force: Skye, May, Mack, and Hunter. He let Bobbi, Fitz, and Simmons sit in on the meeting so he could confess what he did. He did it alone without Hill. She had returned to the Avengers compound and would return when they had Ward in custody. 

“You all have five minutes to let me have it,” after he explained what he and Hill had done.

The problem was no one said anything and that was even worse. May and Bobbi's face were blank. They were older spies and could hide their feelings better. It was obvious that the younger agents weren’t happy, but they didn’t say anything. 

“What do we need to do?” May finally asked.

“It’s going to be a simple smash and grab. Ward has never met Mack. He’s going to locate him. We’re going to use brute force to get him out. Sources say Hydra is in shambles and recruitment drives have not been that great and they don't have a lot of money to recruit.”

“Boss,” Mack said. “I can’t go undercover in Hydra. I don’t mind bashing some Hydra heads, but you know I not going do bad things to get onto their good side.”

“All you have to do is find Ward or even locate someone close to him, so we can put a tracer on him. Bust some Hydra heads to do it. We located a bar the Snake lounge they frequent at, but I don't think Ward is there. He’s been elusive.”

“And when we find him, what next, Boss?” Hunter said.

“Put him down?” May offered.

“Hill wants him alive.”

“Do you?” Hunter asked.

“My opinion doesn’t matter. I made a promise to Hill to bring him in alive. I am trusting all of you to put aside your personal vendettas and follow my orders.”

“How do we know Hill’s not going to let him go again?” Skye asked. “It doesn’t look like she has any sense.”

“Because she agreed to let Talbot to do the transfer when she’s done.”

“I don’t get it, Coulson,” Skye said. “What kind of intel does she need? Hydra’s mostly dead. Though Ward restarting it is adorable. And it wasn’t like he was so forthcoming with intel to begin with.”

“She just wants a couple of hours. And then he belongs to Talbot. He’ll most likely never see the light of day again or he’s going to see a nice shiny needle. Is that good enough revenge for all of you? I promise I’m not getting Ward a third chance. I will ice him and hog tie him for transfer myself.”

No one said anything.

“Bobbi,” Coulson asked. “You haven’t say anything.”

“Neither has Fitz and Simmons,” she said. Her voice was low and uneasy like this whole conversation was uncomfortable. 

“I wanted all three you to stay out, because Ward has attempted the kill all of you.” 

“I’ll go if you need me,” she said. “I won’t kill him. I believe in justice.”

“Fitz? Simmons?”

“I want to shoot him in the head, sir. Don’t put me on the mission.”

“And I’d like it if she did that,” Fitz added, but his voice was hesitant.

“Thank you for your honesty. The rest of you, I need you to promise you will bring him in alive.”

 

Mack didn’t like the looks he got when he came into the bar. He was surprised to find it filled with people of all race and ethnicities and there were quite a lot of women and people in suits. He resisted the urge to yell Hail Hydra and see what happened. He didn’t see Ward anywhere but he didn’t expect the big boss to be near his underlings.

He saddled up to the bar and ordered a vodka shot. The bartender gave him a look but did serve him. He watched a man and a women play pool.

“Hello,” said a voice. “Something I can do for you?”

He turned around and found a beautiful woman looking at him. She was white, her hair was brown, her eyes piercing green, and she wore a blue power suit. 

“Been out of the country for a very long time,” Mack explained. “Let’s just say about two years ago, I had to hide out fast. But rumor has it, there’s a new boss and he’s different than the old ones. Young, I hear. I hear they’re hiring again.”

The woman laughed. “We have enough bartenders. But you can leave your resume.”

“Not looking to barkeep. Had a friend. Not around anymore, god rest his soul. Said if I needed work to drop his name.”

“And his name?”

“John Garrett.”

The woman shook her head. “Never heard of him.”

“I heard your boss used to work with him.”

“The owner of this bar is Tony Masters. A simple businessman.”

“I almost removed Robert Gonzales' leg with an ax, but things got to hot so I skipped out. Got a really nice quinjet for my troubles. Maybe your boss would like to hear that? ”

“Impressive, Mr?”

“Lucien Hardow,” he said, remembering the name of the Hydra agent that turned on him on the Iliad, whose body was at the bottom of the ocean. Skye had gone online to replace any photo of Lucien with a photo of Mack. “And you?”

“Elsie Carson, I’m the manager. I’ll be right back. In the meantime,” she nodded to the bartender, “drinks are on me.”

“Thanks,” Mack said, gulping his shot down.

The woman vanished into a backroom. Mack looked around. No one looked at him suspiciously anymore. He guessed he cleared the first hurdle. He only hoped that Ward never met Lucien Hardow or knew he was white. He ordered another drink just to make it seem like a man who took advantage.

It didn’t take long for the woman to come back with a guy that looked like a biker covered in tattoos.

“Come this way.” Mack followed them into a back room. He was surprised it was brightly light. There was a series of cylinder gun lockers, next to it was a scanner like the ones at the airport. 

“Place all weapons into the gun locker, remove all buttons, cigarettes, your wallet and anything in your pockets. Leave your jacket here and your shoes.”

“You got to be kidding me. You want me to go in without weapons. How do I know this isn’t one big SHIELD trap?”

The woman laughed.

“Everyone is unarmed when they see Mr. Masters. Including his guards and him.”

“Isn’t he worried?”

“Mr. Masters has skills and an impressive record. He took out a SHIELD head unarmed during the upraising. Broke her neck then used her body as a shield to take out her eight guards. Pun intended.”

Mack smiled, although he felt sick to his stomach and he didn’t think it was funny.

“Hail Hydra,” Mack said.

“Hail Hydra,” Carson replied. She sounded enthusiastic but also sultry when she said it. “But you should know Hydra is a very different organization then it used to be. We are no longer just into chaos. Our leader is into closure for all that have wronged us. Mostly what is left of SHIELD. I’m sure you have someone who ruined your plans on the Iliad.”

“Yes, Barbara Morse. I barely escaped with my life from the bitch.”

Carson’s eyes widened in almost glee. Jackpot, Mack told himself.

“Please, Mr. Hardow,” she said motioning to the locker. Mack removed his side arm and everything in his pockets. He added his jacket and shoes leaving him wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Carson waved a wand all around him but there was only a slight beeping.

“Traces of plastic explosives?”

“I do a bit of demolition here and there.”

“Excellent. You are clear. No bugs, no trackers.”

Mack didn't expect her to hit him with an icer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, Ward is not going to end up as taskmaster (just some minor similarities)


	3. Mr. Masters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're coming on a few chapters of Ward hate, but it's needed for the story.

When Mack came too, Elsie Carson was immediately in his face. He was lying on some table. 

“Sorry, Mr. Hardow,” she said and smiled. “First timers can’t know where the boss is. It’s bad for business. People have this terrible habit of trying to kill him.”

Mack got up. His shoes were back on his feet. His jacket hung nearly on a hooks painted white. He didn’t know how long he had been out or where he was. He was in a white room that even had white floors with no windows. The only thing in the room was the table. It was a long lab table. The kind that Fitz sometimes worked on. 

“Your boss sure is paranoid.”

“He has to be. SHIELD has this tendency to act like us. Sometimes we can’t tell the difference. We had to run a complete scan on you. I must say, when you worked with us originally, it was impressive. Your resume speaks volumes. Would you like to meet Mr. Masters?”

Mack smiled. “I would.”

She smiled. She didn’t look dangerous but Mack knew looks could be deceiving. “Come this way.”

She opened the door to a long hallway. Also painted white with no windows. There was nothing in the hallway but a wooden door at the end. She led him to it. The door looked normal but had key fob on the right side. She knocked once.

“Enter.”

Carson pulled a card from her inside jacket pocket and flashed it in front of the fob. It beeped once and unlocked.

“Good evening, Mr. Masters. I have finished my background check on Mr. Hardlow and he is anxious to meet you. Please Mr. Hardlow come inside.”

Mack went inside the room but stopped by the door. It was a standard looking office, not dissimilar from Coulson’s. The windows were blacked out but a man tall but not as much as him looked at them as if they were regular windows.

“Be seated,” the man said without turning around. Mack walked passed Carson and took a seat on a red leather chair opposite of the oak desk. 

“Shall I stay, Mr. Masters?”

“Yes, Elsie.”

Carson stood by the door.

“You knew John Garrett?” Masters said. He still didn’t turn around. Mack could see the back of his neck and that it had small little scars. 

“Yes.”

“Well?”

“Well enough. We did a few missions together. He'd tell the same story over and over again.”

The man laughed. “Sounds like him. He was my mentor, you know. “

“I didn’t. He never mentioned a Tony Masters.”

“He never mentioned a Lucien Hardow, either, but John was very secretive about the other Hydra cells. I guess if SHIELD found one we couldn't lead them to the others. What about your cell?”

“I was an engineer in the carrier the Iliad when the call came. It was glorious. I hacked SHIELD agents left and right until I found their commander. Would have taken his leg off and then his head if I wasn't interrupted by Agent Barbara Morse.”

The man’s hand balled up into a fist. Mack could see him tense up. Mack felt a little tense himself and rubbed his nose.

The man finally turned around. Mack had never met Grant Ward but he’d seem plenty of pictures. His hair was longer and a bit unruly. His skin was pale almost like he didn’t get enough sun. Maybe being an evil psychopath didn’t give him time to get to the barber or the tanning salon.

Ward looked Mack over and said. “We have an enemy in common.”

“Morse?”

“Yes. Her and all of SHIELD. They ruined my life.”

“They ruined mine when they took down Hydra. Was hard to get a job afterwards. Had to use a couple of different names.”

“We don’t pay very well right now, although some of the boys have done some robberies. Small stuff. Elsie here has been very good in getting in the Wall Street crowd.”

“I’m not into small stuff. I like a big kaboom.”

That was when Ward started to laugh. He laughed so hard there were tears in his eyes. He sounded like a crazy lunatic. Mack looked to Elise but she hunched his shoulders like it was normal for her boss to act this way.

Ward came over and touched Mack’s shoulder. “You are so funny. I just can’t do this anymore. I know you’re not Lucien Hardow. Because he’s a short skinny white guy which you are not. Are you one of Coulson’s goons come to take me in? I don’t think so because I took the two trackers out of your shoes, the one taped to the heel of your foot and the one up your nose. My scanner is very sensitive, can pick up pretty much anything.”

Mack said nothing but he swallowed hard.

“I spend 10 years as a specialist for SHIELD. I know every trick and every hiding spot. Why doesn’t Coulson realize this? Boy he really knows how to pick them. They aren't very good anymore. I almost don't want to kill you because it would be too easy.” Ward walked over to his desk. He opened a draw and Mack tensed up. Instead he pulled out a bottle. He placed it on the desk and added two glasses. 

“Do you like scotch? I know I do.” He poured himself a shot and drank it down. “I know it’s impolite not to offer your guest a drink first but sometimes you gotta take a belt. My mother would frown on it. Too bad, cause I killed her.”

Mack still said nothing. He just waited and let Ward rant. He poured two glasses and handed one to Mack who took it but didn’t drink. Ward gulp down the second one like it was water.

“You're friends with Bobbi? You know she sold out follow SHIELD agents right? Just to go under cover at Hydra and do what? Save the world? SHIELD doesn’t do that anymore.”

No response from Mack.

“I know what you’re thinking. I killed SHIELD agents, but it’s okay I was the bad guy when I did it. I can admit when I do bad things, why can’t she?”

“And you’re not the bad guy now?” Mack finally said.

“SHIELD sold Kara out. Kara needed closure, not death. There is no good or bad in that, is there?”

“Kara is dead?”

“Sold out by SHIELD, tortured by Daniel Whitehall and finally killed again by SHIELD. But they killed her the day Bobbi gave up her location.”

“When did they have time to kill Kara?” he asked. “Much as I would have loved for May to put a bullet into her head and yours. They left as soon as they found Bobbi. You almost killed her.”

“Wish I did.”

“So how did Kara die?”

Ward kept his smile. “I shot her. She was wearing May’s face and I shot her. You tricked me in to killing her.”

This time Mack laughed. “You are something else.”

“At least I’m honest. You keep standing by your fellow SHIELD agents as they sell out each other. Why don't they just admit you are still Hydra?”

“You’re deluded and insane, do you know that?”

“Probably.” 

They were interrupted by the sound of gunshots.

“Elsie,” he said to the woman, “go find out what that is and put a stop to it.”

As soon as Elise left, Mack threw the shot glass at Ward, then used all his weight to push him hard against the desk. Before Ward could get up, he slammed his body down against the desk so hard it tipped the bottle of scotch over and it began to spill. He was surprised Ward didn’t resist. He twisted his arm around his back to keep him in place. 

“What a waste of scotch.”

“What a waste of life. You missed the tracker I swallowed. Fitz did a good job of concealing it. You picked up traces of explosives instead. And it appears we never left the bar.”

Ward didn’t resist as Mack held him against the desk.

“You're lucky I don’t twist your head right off for what you did to Bobbi. But I'm loyal to SHIELD and my orders to bring you in alive. Don’t mean—“ he said and grabbed Ward’s head and slammed it hard against the desk. “I can't have a little fun.”

The building began to shake.

“Oh cool!” Ward yelled. “Skye is here!”


	4. The Lunatic is in the Hall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos. Writing this story has been very therapeutic to undoing the yuck that was the season finale.

Hill was waiting when the brought Ward into the room in chains. He looked at her and raised his eyebrows. The right side of his face was covered in dried blood and it indicated his nose had bled sometime before. Hill didn't ask what happened. His legs, waist, arms and hands were shackled and chained and Ward could barely walk.

“Hey, good looking,” he said to her. “Been awhile.”

Hill didn’t respond. She followed Ward as Mack, Hunter, and May and several armed guards escorted him to the hallway that led to the vault.

Other SHIELD agents came out to watch him walk down the hallway, but they were silent.

“Look at that!” Ward yelled. “My second walk of shame. Good to see you Fitz.”

Unlike the last time, Fitz didn’t back away. He stood next to Jemma staring.

“Jemma, try not to miss next time.”

“Don’t worry,” she said and smiled. “When you get the needle, I heard sometimes they don't quite get the vein and that the death is long and painful.”

“Way, harsh, Jemma. Bobbi!” he said. “We’ll be meeting very soon. My baby needs closure.”

Bobbi said nothing. She kept her face blank and watched him continue walking down the stairs into the vault.

Maria had never been down here. It felt creepy. Phil ran his hand over the scanner and a force field came down. Ward had been kept in this cell for six months. She'd never been fond of SHIELD having black site prisons, but Ward had told her it allowed him to do some soul searching.

Hunter, May, and Mack shoved Ward into the cell and Coulson put the force field back up.

“Home sweet home,” he said. “Until I get out. Then who knows what will happen. So what’s up?” Ward said raising his hands as best he could. “No freedom to walk my 31 feet, 9 ¼ inch cell?” Despite his bonds, he began walking the cell, jingling his chains as he did.

“Hill has some questions she would like to ask you,” Coulson explained. “I doubt you’ll be our guest for more than a few hours before I turn you over to Talbot.”

Ward laughed hard. It was almost maniacal like he was some kind of cartoon villain. “I’ll break out in a few days. Talbot’s a pussy. Then I’m coming back here for closure. Kara’s closure and mine. You’ll pay for what you did to my baby.”

“What we did?” Coulson asked. “I seem to remember you pulled her into your disastrous plans.”

“Are you even going to blame yourself?” Hunter asked. “Oh right you’re a psycho and they blame everyone but themselves.” 

“For what Bobbi did to Kara, never. Kara never got the closure she needed and then you made me kill her.”

Hunter laughed. “Your trigger happiness killed her, you git.”

Ward slammed so hard against the force field, even Hunter took a step back, but Ward didn’t make it through. 

“You just got added to the list.” 

“Yes, mate, I’m so frightened.”

“I need some time, Phil,” Hill said, “without your agents. I think they’re too much distraction.”

“You can all watch upstairs,” Coulson said to them. They didn’t look happy but the headed to the stairwell. “Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes, please.”

Hill waited a few minutes while everyone shuffled out. 

“Ward, I need you to tell me what the hell happen?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing. You were on a mission and now you’ve gone completely insane.”

“I did your mission. I took down Hydra like you asked.” He paced the cell nervously now. 

“You were supposed to infiltrate and gather intel, not take down. Also that mission didn’t include hunting down and torturing a SHIELD agent and restarting Hydra.”

“That was a side mission,” he explained.

“A side mission?” she asked, confused. “For who?”

“So,” he said, changing the subject and looking at Coulson. “Did you tell them you let me out?”

“I told them,” Coulson said.

“Were they mad?”

“A little.”

Ward looked down for a second, like he was confused then he looked at Hill and smiled.

“Ward— You were supposed to go under cover at Hydra and send us intel. I’m sorry Skye shot you, but afterwards you called me. You wanted to know where Bahski was. Said you needed him to find to List and Strucker. I didn’t ask you to kill those two soldiers.”

“You got the info on List and Strucker and all those other Hydra heads. Those soldiers were in the way. You know me. Stay out of my way and no one will get hurt.” 

“I don’t understand. What happened? Why did you veer off the mission?”

“I fell in love and I wanted closure for my baby.”

Hill looked at him confused. “Kara Palamas?”

“Yes—“ he said, despite the chains the pacing got more furious. “And now she’s dead, I have to get her the closure she needed.”

“She was the brainwashed Hydra agent?”

“She wasn’t Hydra, she was SHIELD. She needed my help more. She needed revenge on Bahski for what he did to her and she needed revenge on Bobbi for selling her out.”

“Ward, none of this makes any sense. You’re not making sense and you’re acting weird.” 

“This is just me. The real me.”

“I worked with you. You were fine since until you vanished. Now you say you fell in love with this woman?”

“Yes. I did and when I get out and I’m going to burn SHIELD to the ground for her.”

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you—

“Kara, I had to do it all for my baby.”

“Bobbi said he opened up to her and told her everything,” Coulson explained, but Hill looked confused.

“What? You told her everything. Ward, does Kara know about your brother?”

He paused for a moment. “What? That I shot him and my parents and burned the house down, yes.”

Hills eyes widened. 

“And she still believed in you, even after you told her that?”

“She’s very understanding, my baby. I’m going to kill them all for what they did to her. She needed closure.”

The pacing got more anxious and shaky. He looked more nervous like a caged animal.

“I see,” Hill said, “I will right back. I need to make a phone call. Phil, I think you need to listen in on it.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ward called out. “At least not right away.”


	5. The Lunatic is on the Grass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hill has a little bit of a potty mouth in this chapter.

When Hill came out of Coulson’s office, Skye, Simmons, and Fitz were waiting for them

“Skye,” Coulson said, looking around. “What’s going on?”

“This isn’t about you, Coulson, this is about her,” she said to Hill. “You need to think about the people you got killed by releasing Grant Ward.” 

“No, I don’t.” Hill crossed her arms. 

“Ward killed people and he almost killed Bobbi, Fitz, and Simmons. And you thought it was a good idea to let that monster out.”

“Skye,” Coulson said, feeling the tension in the room. “It was both of us. We both agreed to let him out.”

“It’s okay, sir,” Simmons said. “We know you did it because you trusted her.”

“Yeah,” Skye added. “You work with the Avengers, you should know better.”

“You know nothing,” Hill said, her voice got annoyed. She tried to move forward but Simmons stood in front of her and crossed her arms. 

“Skye, Jemma, Leo, you don’t know everything. We’re done here. You’ll be debriefed later, but have a pressing matter to attend too.”

“No, sorry, Coulson. We need to have this out. She needs to accept what she did and the people she got killed.”

“Skye—“ said a voice nearby. Hill was surprised to see it was Barbara Morse. May was standing besides her. “Enough. She took a gamble and lost. I did the same thing.”

Skye turned to face Bobbi. “I’m sorry. You could have been killed.”

“I wasn’t and neither was any of you.”

Skye looked back to Hill. “Bobbi’s a good person. Maybe even better than me. She may be forgiving but I sure as hell am not.”

Hill said nothing for a moment. She looked them over and then a look of horror came over her face. “Wait a minute,” she said. “Are you stalling me?” 

Skye tried to grab her arm, but Coulson moved his body in front of her. 

Hill pushed passed Simmons and ran down to the vault. Pushing all her energy into getting down those stairs. 

“Stop!” she screamed in a loud piercing voice. “Goddamnit stop!”

In the cell Ward was on the ground while Mack and Hunter took turns punching and kicking him. The only thing Hill was grateful for is the former spy was still breathing. At least her scream got the others to stop.

“Get the hell out of there!” She yelled. “Right the hell now.”

She heard the sound of other people coming down the stairs.

“Mack, Hunter. What’s going on? Get out of there now,” Coulson said, his voice calmer than her.

Mack pulled Ward up and slammed him hard into the bed. Both of them left the room. Hill put the force field back up. 

“Sorry, Boss,” Mack said. “But it had to be done, for Bobbi.”

“We’ll talk about this later,” Coulson said, keeping the anger in his voice down. “But if either of you do that again, you’ll be looking for new jobs.”

“Ward, are you okay?” Hill asked. 

“Just a few busted ribs,” he said, lying against the bed. His face was bloodied and one eye was shut. He righted himself on the bed which was hard with all the chains. 

“What is wrong with all of you?” Hill asked. Her voice was high but just below shouting.

“Wrong with us?” Lance said. “What the bloody hell is wrong with you? I thought SHIELD put down people if they got this bad?”

“For god’s sake, can’t you see the man’s been brainwashed?”

“Brainwashed?” Hunter asked and looked confused. 

“Brainwashed?” said a voice from behind her. Skye, Fitz, May, and Simmons had come into the room. “You think he’s brainwashed?” Skye said. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Wow,” Skye said. “You really will to come up with anything to save your ass.”

“She’s right,” Ward said. He struggled to stand up and hit the force field before righting himself. “I was never brainwashed. Everything I did, I did of my own free will.”

“Ward, tell me what you did to your brother.”

“I beat him up.”

“Yes, I know. What happened after?”

Ward paused for a something. His face looked confused like the details were hard to remember. “I killed him and my parents. I shot them both and set the house on fire.”

“That was your cover story,” she explained. “Your parents and brother are still alive.”

“What?” Skye said. “Huh?”

“They were being threatened by Hydra because your brother made that speech. They had to go into hiding. We faked their deaths so you could get close to Whitehall.”

“No—that isn’t true,” he said, shaking his head. “Why do all of you always lie to me.”

“It is. Whoever brainwashed you mixed up your memories. Your real ones with your cover story.”

“You’re insane.”

“Sometimes I think so, but not about this.”

“Well I don’t think so,” Skye said. She came around so she could face Hill. Simmons came with her but Fitz didn’t. “Ward is a psycho, always has been, always will be.”

“When you get a degree in psychology, then you have the right to call someone a psycho.”

“Hill’s right,” said another voice. Hill was surprised to see it was Bobbi. Bobbi walked up to the cell. She looked Ward up and down. Hill was surprised Ward didn’t say anything. 

“I looked you up. Best scores since Romanoff. I may not like what you did with Garrett and with Hydra, but you pulled it off almost flawlessly. When you took me hostage, I didn’t see that. I saw a sloppy novice. A bad interrogator and even a worse fighter. I took you on half drugged with needles in my fingers.”

“I don’t know what’s your talking about. We were there to get closure for my baby.”

“Then why did you loosen my cuffs instead of tightening them?”

Ward looked dumbfounded and confused. 

“How do you think I got out of them? I suspected something was wrong with you. Now I know why. I didn’t want to take you out but I would have if I had too. It’s not fair, I know. And it wasn’t fair to Kara either. That’s life sometimes. And for the record, I regret every day what I did to her.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m sorry, Ward. She brainwashed you. I’ve seen Hydra brainwash people using Faustus. Sometimes when they come out of it, they’re crazy, not completely understanding what they did. Kara was brainwashed by Whitehall and he was the best.”

“No, no she didn’t.” He pushed against the force field. “Kara wouldn’t do that.”

“She’s right,” this came from Mack. “You were really easy to find and take in. I think you wanted us to capture you. I think you wanted Bobbi to be free.”

“You couldn’t shoot me,” Bobbi said, “so you gave the gun to Kara. She couldn’t shoot me either. You both couldn’t do it, because you knew it was wrong. So you left me in a position where it was possible to escape.”

“No—“

“Ward, she’s right,” Coulson said. “You told me I sold you to your abuser, but you knew we used Christian to get you released.” He paused for a moment and took a deep breath. “Look, she probably didn’t mean do it. She was brainwashed. Hill and I just talked to someone familiar with Faustus. There is a right way and a wrong way to bring them back. I’m sorry Ward. She probably came back wrong. And I think you did too.” 

“No—She didn’t come back wrong,” he shouted, spluttering on his words. 

“That’s the Grant Ward I know,” Hill said. 

“I don’t even use the word comply.”

“You don’t have too,” Bobbi explained. “It’s a word that Whitehall happened to like. You use the word closure with her. That’s probably you saying happy to comply. You call her baby.” She looked around the room and focused on Skye. “Did he ever call you baby?”

Skye shook her head. Hill couldn’t read her expression. The agent still looked mad though. Still didn’t want to believe that she was wrong but she also looked confused.

“Ward,” Hill said. “We have people who can help with the brainwashing but Faustus is different from what Leviathan did to Natasha. It’s harder to break.”

“I still think you’re lying,” but Hill could hear hesitancy in his voice. 

“Ward,” Coulson said. “You probably wanted to help her. Wanted to be her hero. She took advantage of that.”

“She didn’t take advantage!” he shouted. “She wouldn’t do that.”

“You just didn’t realize how to fix her,” Coulson kept going. “That conversation on the phone we had. That was probably all true but you got her to us too late.”

“We’re taking you to people who can help you. I promise. They know what they are doing.” 

“No!” he yelled, He slammed hard against the force field and stayed there despite the pain it was inflicting. “No! You just want me to forget her. You just want to take her away.”

“I’m afraid you have no choice,” Hill said, taking the force field down. Ward didn’t have a chance to move because Coulson hit him with an icer in the chest. The former spy collapsed against the bed.

Hill looked around the room. Her anger grew. As a SHIELD agent she kept her emotions in check. Always keep that poker face but this she couldn’t deal with. She looked at Lance and Mack, then behind her Skye, Jemma, and Simmons. May and Bobbi stood off in the corner. 

“I don’t know what I am seeing here. Not SHIELD, but vigilantes. Not a SHIELD I would ever be proud of.” 

“In the past we took out people who had got too dangerous,” Simmons said.

“Have any of you remember that Hydra was inside SHIELD since it’s beginning. They molded and shaped us. They changed our views to suit them. What did Alexander Pierce say? Kill millions to save billions. You knew Ward and you didn’t think for a moment he wasn’t acting himself?”

“But he wasn’t acting himself ever,” Skye said. “He was pretending to like us.”

“You know what I’m going to do right now,” she said and the anger rose in her voice. “I’m going to break Agent Grant Ward’s cover. Ward came to me two years before he even joined your team and told me that he had been recruited by John Garrett when he was 15 years old to join Hydra—“

“What?” Coulson said.

Maria ignored him. “He came to me and told me, even though he was terrified not just that I could be Hydra, but of John Garrett.”

Skye went to open her mouth but Hill was faster.

“Shut up, Princess.”

Skye looked a little shocked. 

“You knew about Hydra?” Simmons asked. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Hill calmed down a little. “Fury and I were aware of them a few years ago. Ward was not the first agent to tell us. From what he said they had a few cells, but weren’t that big. What we didn’t know was how far up it went or that they had been inside for so long. That’s the truth. I knew Alexander Pierce for a long time. I’d even been to his house. We didn’t know how to deal with them until we found Rogers.”

“But Ward killed people,” Jemma said, “Other Shield agents.”

“If you care so much about him, why did you leave in him solitary for 6 months?” Skye finally said. 

“Now you’re concerned about solitary? No, princess, you don’t understand. I barely knew Ward. He told me that he would trade info but he wanted to save John Garrett. He convinced me that Garrett wasn’t loyal to Hydra either. That he used them and us to stay alive. When push came to shove, Ward decided that Garrett was important than our deal. That’s why I left him in solitary. He lied to me to save Garrett and he killed SHIELD agents to save him. After I let him stew for a while, I knew I could use him again.”

They were interrupted by a group of men wearing black bringing a gurney down the steps. 

“I still think you’re wrong,” Skye said. “I’m sorry if he got brainwashed, but it’s all his fault.”

“You keep telling yourself that, princess.”

“Maria—“ Coulson started.

“Phil, I know secrets you don’t want out. So you might not want to start.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I am torn whether Ward killed his family or not but they are alive for the sake of this story. Mostly because Hill would probably not work with Ward if he killed his family.
> 
> Also I promise Kara will be vindicated.


	6. Pools of Blood

She finally put the gun away when she realized he was no threat. He didn't know how 33 managed to carry so much of his weight. 

His side was in agony. He had been shot before. Flesh wounds, shoulder shots, once in the calf. Muscle injuries sucked, but internal ones sucked even more. First off they bleed a lot. His entire side was a mess of blood. He left a pool of it on the floor when she helped him up. It saturated his shirt, jacket, pants and even saw drops of blood on his shoes. He thought the plate saved his life, but now he realized it only might have saved him from a quick death. 

His wounds made their movement slow. She took him down some stairs to the parking garage. Walking proved difficult but somehow they managed their way down. 

When they got to Whitehall’s car, his driver waited behind the wheel. She rested Ward against the car where he left more blood. 

She shot Whitehall’s driver without fanfare, Ward didn’t even have the strength to stop her. She opened the back door and deposited him across the seat where he left more blood. She dragged the driver out and left him on the ground then got behind the wheel.

As the drove out of the garage was when the shaking started. Ward could see the Hydra base shaking intensely and as they left the building, it began to collapse. 

When they were a block away the entire structure collapsed on itself. He hoped his former team got out. He was glad Whitehall was dead and sealed in his tomb. Coulson and Hill had the intel on some of the Hydra heads, his job was done. He’ll pick a new identity and start a new life free from SHIELD and Hydra. He had a few names to choose. Maybe something simple like Tony Masters or something mysterious like JT James, or a very hardened name like Frank Castle. Oddly enough he always felt like a Grant. Agent 33 would be a little harder. Should he make a new identity with her or try to contact Coulson or Hill to help.

The blood was the problem. There was too much of it. And he couldn’t just duct tape it like John Garrett had. He didn’t know how much Whitehall had left in 33. Did she know any chop shop doctors because Ward was beginning to suspect he might need surgery. 

“Where should we go?” she asked.

Ward tried to think but it was getting hard. He thought of the stages of hypovolemic shock. Stage one, mild anxiety. If they stopped the bleeding, he wouldn’t go into stage two.

“You have to patch me up,” he explained. “I’m bleeding too much.”

“Okay.”

She took him to the first motel she saw. Went up to the office leaving him bleeding in the car. Ward saw the cellphone charging in the front. He thought about calling Coulson or Hill to save his life but he had mixed feelings. Skye had shot him and Coulson had left him to die but part of him thought they were right. He was a monster and a killer. 

He hand went to this side. When he pulled away blood covered it, but that didn’t bother him. He saw Hand’s blood all over the floor everyday. 

She came back and drove around to the back of the motel and parked at a room. She got out and opened the door first and went inside first before coming back out and helping him out of the car. She was much smaller than he was but she did a good job getting him into a standing position even though his side screamed out in agony and he almost collapsed on her. Still they both made it to the bed. She had covered it with the shower curtain before he rested against it. She put the do not disturb sign on the door, closed it, and locked the door. 

She looked back at him with May’s face and dead vacant eyes. For a moment he thought she was going to wrap him up in the shower curtain and smother him. Instead she helped him out of his jacket and shirt. The shirt was so saturated with blood it stuck to his skin.

She said nothing. She went to the bathroom and she came back with a wet towel. She cleared the wound as best she could.

Ward could see the two bruises where the plate caught two of the bullets. One bullet hole was directly in his side; the other was in front. It was the side one that was bleeding like a faucet. 

“Can you sit up?”

She helped him into seated position and held him there while she investigated his back.

“You have only one exit wound.”

He suspected it. He felt the pain in his back. But one in his side was still there. He didn’t know how deep.

“I can go get supplies,” she said. “I might be able to get it out. In the meantime hold this against the wound.”

 

Not cuffed, not in chains, and lying on a bed with a cover up to his chest. He opened his eyes and felt woozy. At least his bruised eye opened now. His face and his ribs felt like they were on fire.

He was in a small room, painted blue with one window that allowed sunlight in. He could see the tops of trees which meant he wasn’t on the first floor.

He didn’t know what they were talking about. Kara hadn’t brainwashed him. He loved her. She needed closure for what was done to her and he was the only one willing to do it.

“You are awake.”

Ward felt startled at the voice. He hadn’t felt anyone in the room. He looked to his left to see a pretty brown haired woman in the corner. She was in her early twenties and wore torn black jeans, combat boots, a black t-shirt, and a scarlet denim jacket.

“Where am I and who are you?”

“My name is Wanda,” She had an accent too. Eastern European but not Russian. Still he asked her if she spoke Russian. 

“A little bit. I use English here because everyone else does.”

“Where is here?”

“Undisclosed for now until you a little better.”

“I’m fine.”

“You are not fine,” she said. “You have broken ribs, your pretty face is a mess, and your mind is not your own.”

“Dealt with broken ribs before, bruises heal, and my mind is my own.” He moved the cover off. He wore the clothes from before. They still had blood on it. 

“You know it is wrong,” she said. “When you say the lies as truth, they don’t feel right.”

Ward made a sudden move to the door.

“Calm,” she said. Ward felt a sudden sleepiness and fell back across the bed. His eyes felt hazy.

“Better now?”

“How did you do that?” he asked, blinking twice before the sleepiness passed. 

“Hydra gave it to me,” she explained. “Made me powerful. Use me for revenge. The girl, she wanted revenge too. Maria explained it to me.”

“She didn’t use me,” Ward retorted, sitting back up but he didn’t bother trying for the door again. “I volunteered. She needed closure. Just like I did with my family.”

“The one you remember killing but didn't?”

“You’re just confusing me.”

“No, I do not confused. I am here because I understand how Faustus work.”

“I know about it too. I was Hydra also. It doesn’t always work.”

“It always works,” she said and smiled. “On some people it works better than others. Some people can be brainwashed for life and never realize, some can weaken hold, but many come back wrong.”

“Hill thought that happened to Kara. But it wasn’t true. Kara needed closure,” he said. “If anything, it’s my fault. I fixed her wrong. Coulson was right. I’m not a good man and I couldn’t save her.”

“I see I have work cut out for me. But I like a challenge.”

“I’m not brainwashed,” he said, crossing his arms. “Torturing Bobbi, I did it, for Kara. It’s my responsibility. So you’re wasting your time. Just let me go and I’ll disappear.”

“You have no choice. That is what Maria says. She says we deprogram you or you go to prison.”

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll do whatever you ask, just to prove I wasn’t brainwashed.”

“We do not start with your brainwashing.”

Ward laughed. “You just spent the last ten minutes telling me you were going to undo it.”

“That is an easy way to undo it. I can look into your mind. I can unlock memories.”

Ward hunched his shoulders. “So why don’t you?”

“It is not good to go into a man’s mind and bring up pain. Also there is issue of trust. Better to things in your own mind. A man will be here soon to help. There is, as you say, big conflict of interest, but he has security clearance. He will talk to you first about your problems.”

Ward laughed but it wasn’t a happy one. “Great a shrink. I’ll talk to him for 10 minutes and he can tell me I’m a murdering psychopath.”

She touched his chest gently. “Why you think you are a psychopath? Because you do bad things? I do bad things but I chose not to anymore.”

Ward didn’t respond. He looked away and studied the room, even though it was small. Mostly he didn’t want to look at Wanda.

“That is what’s blocking you,” she explained. “That is why your memories of being brainwashed are hard to get.”

“I’d like to be alone for a while.”

“Okay. But one last thing. Have you burned all bridges? Is there someone who can help you through all this?”

“No,” he said, without hesitating. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”


	7. Cracks

“You have got to be kidding me,” Ward said as he opened a door to find May’s ex husband Andrew Garner waiting for him. Garner sat in a leather chair in front of an oak desk. There was another leather chair opposite him. The room also had a large couch and a few other chairs scattered around the room. 

Ward turned around to Wanda. “This is a very big conflict of interest.”

“I know,” Garner answered, his voice stern but calm. “Come inside.”

“Go,” Wanda said, pushing him slightly on the back to move him forward. “He only psychiatrist not think brainwashing is weird. I’ll be back later.”

The door closed and Ward looked back. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” Andrew said, “But I insist you stay. Actually Hill insists you stay. She hired me for a month. We’ll meet every day for an hour. More if I feel you need it.”

Ward turned back around. He didn’t take a seat. Instead he stood with his back pressed against the door.

“I won’t bite.”

“You know I slept with May,” he said, hostility entered his voice. 

“I know,” Garner replied with no hostility in his voice. “We’re not married anymore. She’s allowed to have her own life.”

“And you know I tried to kill her a few times. In fact I killed Kara because she was wearing May’s face. I wanted May dead.”

“I won’t be bias in my treatment.”

“But you don’t like me.”

“That is correct. On a personal level, I don’t like you but it will not affect how I treat you.”

“Good,” he said. He moved into the room and took the chair further away from Garner. It was a standard office but the certificates on the wall indicated that Garner was just borrowing the space. The certificates said the room belonged to Dr. Skivorski, a medical doctor.

“I do not want to talk about your personal relationship with May or mine.”

Ward smiled. “Did she like to be on top in your marriage?”

Garner didn’t flinch. “It’s too early for deflection.”

“Kara wore May’s face for a long time because May electrocuted her and left her for dead.”

“I’m sure she had good reasons. You’re not going to get a rise out of me if that is what you’re looking for.” 

Ward crossed his arms. For a moment he looked uncomfortable, then he went back to being hostile. 

“Tell me more about Kara. Why was she so special that you felt the need to kidnap Barbara Morse for her?”

“She needed closure.”

“Closure? Closure for what?”

Ward didn’t respond.

“Ward, what you do mean by closure?”

Ward stood up again and paced back and forth from the door back the chair. “I know what you’re doing—You want me to forget her.”

“I don’t. You won’t forget her. I just want to know why you keep using the word closure. I’m trying to figure out if it’s a trigger word.”

“A trigger word? Wouldn’t that mean I brainwashed Kara?”

“Did you?”

He looked at Garner for a moment, then again at the certificates on the wall. He felt nervous now. “No—We only brainwashed Bakshi.”

“Why did you brainwash him?” 

“For what he did to Kara.”

“If you wanted closure for Kara, why not kill him outright?”

He didn’t look back and didn’t say anything. 

“Ward, why didn’t you kill Bakshi right away? Was it something about a mission you were supposed to be on?”

“My mission was to help Kara get closure.”

“Why? What was so important that you had to do this for her?”

The hostility returned. Ward looked at Garner in anger, but he didn’t do anything. Instead he sat again and crossed his arms.

“Ward?”

“Shut up,” he said. He looked down and did not say anything more for the rest of the session.

 

Thomas Ward spent most of his life distancing himself from his family. He occasionally did photo ops for his brother but only at his mother's insistence they appear to be a happy family. For that, Christian would run a yearly dinner to raise money for the non-for-profit organization Thomas worked for. 

He hadn’t been shocked when Christian announced that his brother Grant worked for Hydra, a terrorist organization. Grant had always been messed up in the head and spent most of their childhood beating Thomas up for no reason. 

When Thomas was older he realized that their mom had liked him best and both Christian and Grant resented that. Christian reacted like a normal person, avoiding Thomas at all costs and focusing instead of doing well in school, but Grant had taken that resentment a step further. 

The weird part is Grant wasn’t always that way. His abuse started when Thomas was nine but before that Grant always played with him and they had fun. But it escalated to a point when Grant actually tried to murder him. 

By the time he was adult, Christian leveled with him about Grant. There had been something psychologically wrong with him. Some kind of anti-social personality disorder. He even went so far to suggest Grant might have been a psychopath. It hadn’t matter then. When he was 15, after Grant tried to kill him, he had almost vanished completely from their lives until Christian had made the Hydra announcement. 

He had been shocked a few days later when he saw the news that his father, mother, and Christian had been killed in a murder/ suicide and Christian had left a confession that it was actually he, not Grant that wanted Thomas dead. Thomas didn’t know what to think. However the FBI was labeling the deaths suspicious. 

And he nearly had a heart attack when two days after the funeral he was visited by a woman by the name of Maria Hill who swore him to secrecy. Informing him that Hydra had being making threats against Christian and they had faked his family's death to protect them. She said that it might be time to go on a whirlwind year long vacation all expenses paid by Stark industries. And he was guaranteed his job when coming home or a better job at Stark. 

He asked about the confession and whether Grant was involved. Hill told him Grant needed to go undercover in Hydra and killing his family and the confession would get him close to one of their leaders. 

She said Hydra went after families. His sister Rose had already gone on a year long cruise with Christian’s children where they would rendezvous with their parents. 

Thomas agreed and a few weeks ago, before the year was even up, the woman Hill said to come home but keep a low profile. Most of Hydra was gone. 

Christian hadn’t come out of hiding yet. Weeks had passed and Thomas heard nothing. His calls to his sister went unanswered. Maria never contacted him again. He didn’t know what was going on. 

Until two days ago. Christian and his parents finally came out of hiding. Christian called him. They spoke very briefly but he wanted him to know the confession was fake. He claimed he had to go before Thomas could even ask a question. 

Christian made a big announcement. The confession was a fake as were their deaths. His brother Grant was never Hydra but needed the confessions and their deaths to get close to Hydra leaders. Christian said how much he loved both Grant and Thomas. Then he said with a long face to give Grant space and that he had been severely injured by Hydra and wasn’t expected to live.

By night all the news shows were talking about how wonderful Christian Ward was. Risking his life and reputation to taking down an evil organization. They sympathized over the loss of his brave brother. They were presidential murmurs too. 

All Thomas wanted to do was change his last name. At least Rose had a different last name from her first marriage.

He still felt that way when an Avenger showed up at his door.

He didn’t know much about her. He had just seen her on the news. A woman with long reddish brown hair who had helped defeat Ultron. She was a few years younger than Thomas.

“May I come in?” she asked. How could Thomas say no to an Avenger. 

“Please,” he said, holding the door for her. 

She came in and flopped herself on his couch.

“Do you want a coke?”

“Yes, please.” Thomas got two from the fridge and bought it to her. 

“I’m kind of surprised to see an Avenger on my couch.”

“You want picture. I pose for picture.”

“It’s okay. Just why are you here?”

“I am here about your brother.”

Thomas sighed and rolled his eyes. “Tell Christian, I’m done. I’m sick of this family. I’m sure he can become president without me. He’s got a freaking Avenger working for him.”

“That is not the brother I am here for.”

Thomas didn’t reply right away. He looked around the room. Boxes that had been in storage surrounded him. He took a very deep breath before turning back around. 

Finally he said. “Is he dying?”

“No, not in physical sense. Hydra, they play games with his mind. He no longer knows fantasy from reality.”

“And what does he want from me? Does he want a reminder of our shitty childhood.”

“He wants forgiveness, but people he hurt won’t forgive. No one take chance on him.”

“Why don’t you do it?”

“I am no one. I only meet brother four days ago. He pretends to be fine, but he’s in very bad way.”

“I don’t know,” Thomas said as he paced around the room. “I just don’t know. It took years of therapy to get over what Grant did to me. I don’t think I can forgive him.”

“I think there is more to story."

“Christian said that it wasn’t true about him hating me. It was a lie for Grant to get into Hydra. Grant abused me, multiple times.”

Wanda didn’t respond. She looked him over with those intense eyes.

“He really has no one?”

“No—there was a woman, but she was the one who brainwashed him. She is also dead.”

Thomas didn’t reply.

“Tell me about brother before he torment you. Was he always this way?” 

Thomas shook his head. “I never understood. We had a great time. Just the two of us. We were thick as thieves. I thought he loved me. They treated him like dirt you know, my parents. My mother called him lazy and stupid. It wasn’t true. Grant was incredibly smart. He learned how to speak Spanish just by talking to the servants. I mean fluent Spanish. My mother wasn’t proud but outraged that he was talking to the help—“ Thomas looked down. “I’m missing something, aren’t I. Christian said he had some kind of personality disorder, but it wasn’t until the well when he became violent.”

“The well?”

“It was the first time he did something to me. I don’t know why. We had a well in the back of the property. One time we met there and out of nowhere he tossed me in. I screamed for help for I don’t know how long. When he finally pulled me out, Christian caught us and yelled at him for what he did. He said he was sorry and ran off. But he wasn’t sorry. Because after that, he started to torment me.” 

He paused. “Was Christian was telling the truth in that video?”

“I do not know. I have not met older brother, but Grant. He is in very bad trouble and he needs someone to reach out. I know one thing. If I were given chance to see brother again, I would always take it.”

 

“At least there is one benefit of you not talking during these sessions is you're acting like yourself.”

“What?”

“May said you were the strong silent type. Actually I briefly talked to your former team. They are recognizing that good or bad, cocky outgoing Ward was not anyone they recognized. They just thought you were acting it.”

“It was all Kara,” he said. “Kara brought me out of my shell.”

“You’re confusing shyness with being an introvert.”

Ward didn’t respond.

“How come you didn’t tell Skye everything?”

He looked down.

“Back to silence?”

“She didn’t understand. Kara did.”

“Understand what?”

“What it’s like to live in hell.”

“Are you talking about your family or Garrett?”

“Both.”

“Ward, I don’t know what Garrett did to you. I know that you claimed to have met him in operations but Maria Hill knows you meet him earlier. However, you weren’t with Garrett all the time. You did a lot of things without him. You can’t blame him for everything. Something got you to tell Hill about Hydra.”

“I’m not. Everything I did, I did as my own free will. Everything good, everything bad. That’s what Kara understood.”

“Having someone understand you was important?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, tell me more about Kara. What did you love about her?”

“She understood me.”

Garner looked frustrated. The sessions involved Ward either not speaking at all, giving very general answers or repeating things they already talked about. 

“You know you can talk to me. Tell me everything about your family, about Garrett, about Kara, about your team. I won’t tell anyone. Everything you say here is confidential unless I feel you’re a danger to yourself or others. Even then I wont tell them what you said.”

Ward snorted.

“You think I’m going to tell May?”

“Yes, and then you’ll have a good laugh.”

“Have you ever seen a psychiatrist before?”

Ward didn’t respond again. He looked away defensively. He was sometimes worse than a child.

“Let’s go back to Kara. She was okay with you killing people?”

Still no respond. He crossed his arms.

“Defensive again, I see.”

Silence.

“I am not going to tell May anything and I’m not going to laugh. If you want honesty, I’ll be blunt. You are a very disturbed individual and it’s not just the brainwashing.”

“That’s what the other shrink told my parents.”

“I figured.”

“What?” he asked, confused. 

“Did a psychiatrist tell your parents everything you said in session? Was it someone you thought you could trust?”

Ward said nothing for a long time. 

“Ward?”

Ward looked away. 

“Ward, please. I’m not going to tell May.”

“He said I was made it up. That Christian didn’t make me do anything. It was all in my head. Christian told him some story of me attacking Thomas with a screwdriver, looking deranged and then five seconds later I was normal. The bastard told my parents I was emotionally disturbed, delusional, and was potentially dangerous—“ he looked down. “They didn’t believe me and sent me away.”

“And the abuse stopped?”

“Yes. Christian wasn’t stupid. I’m sure you don’t believe me either. Skye didn’t, Coulson didn’t. Skye thought my family seemed great. Kara was the only person who listened and believed me.”

“And that was important to you.”

“Yes.”

“And if she brainwashed you?”

“She didn’t.” Ward stood up. He paced the room for a second before making his way to the door.

“We’re not done. You can sit and not talk but the session isn’t over.”

“It is. You are all the same. Filling my head with nonsense. None of you believe me. None of you ever believe me. Kara believed me. You all think I’m a psycho. Fine. I am.”

Garner didn’t say anything as Ward opened the door and made his way to the hallway. He did get up and follow.

He didn’t have to go far. Ward had stopped in the middle of the hallway and was staring ahead. In front of him were Wanda and a blond man in his late twenties.

“Ward—“ Garner said. “We aren’t finished.”

“Yes, we are,” he said. There was a glint in his eye that made Garner take a step back. But Ward didn’t go after Garner, instead he punched the wall so hard, Garner heard a snap as the bones broke. He didn’t scream from the pain.

“Grant,” said the blond man, but he seemed hesitant to move.

“Ward,” Garner said. “What happened? What did you see?”

Ward slid down the same wall he punched a hole in. “I’m dying,” he said.


	8. In the Shadows

His breathing came out ragged and labored. He didn’t know what his temperature was but it was high. He could barely move because every single joint ached. He couldn’t stop shivering, despite being covered by a scratchy blanket. She had been gone for over a day and he was pretty sure he would be dead before she got back. Sepsis from the bullet, a slow internal bleed, something in his gut got nicked. One of these was going to kill him. 

This morning, he had spent twenty agonizing minutes biting on a pencil while she unsuccessfully tried to get the bullet out. Ultimately he thought she just made it worse and tore him up a little more inside. 

She left him a glass of water with a straw. He tried to drink it but he just threw it up.

He had become delirious from his fever. She had left on one light near the bathroom As evening set in, the room filled with shadows. At the corner of his eye, he thought he saw a man, even called out to him, but no one had answered. 

He held on some weird hope that his team would rush through the door and all was forgiven. Once a car had pulled in nearby and he had thought it was them. He even whispered Skye’s name, until he heard people talking Spanish in the next room, arguing something about some stupid soccer match. 

Ward struggled to this side. The pain in his gut increased tenfold and his joints screamed. His breathing became more labored and his head began swimming. He wanted cell phone but for some reason, she had taken them.

She had gotten a call earlier, happily told him she had a lead on a doctor and she would be back in a little while. He didn’t know if it was the fever but she looked oddly giddy. 

He wanted to call them, to tell them that he was sorry. He regretted everything he had done. Hurting Fitz and Simmons, hurting Skye, killing the SHIELD agents, and breaking up their team. He wanted forgiveness desperately but he knew the first time Skye came to see in in his cell, her words filled with anger, they were never going to forgive him. 

But he had to let them know somehow that at the end, he was sorry. There was a house phone, but Ward found that when he opened his mouth, he could barely make words. He opened the drawer and found a pen and a bible.

He grabbed them both, opened the first page, and wrote in messed up blocky letters. He could hear his mother yelling at him about penmanship. 

I’m sorry.

He barely knew what happened next. Did he fall into the abyss? His vision began to dim. Taking a breath seemed so hard. He thought he felt hands around his neck choking him. He thought he heard the sound of the door open but he didn’t know.

He hadn’t imagined it. Next thing he knew, rough hands righted him on the bed. When he opened his eyes, he saw four men wearing black helmets. May was between them. Seeing her, he felt relief. His breathing was still labored but it got a little easier.

“May—“ he whispered. “I’m sorry--”

But it wasn’t May. She turned her face and he saw it was 33. The black helmets were SHIELD’s but the logos had been wiped off.

“No—“ he managed to croak out. But maybe it would be okay. They didn’t know he wasn’t really Hydra.

33 touched the side of his face. Her hand felt cold against his hot skin. “Don’t worry. I found someone to take care of you.”

Hydra would have to do. He could still make this work. Getting out of this alive was all that mattered.

The four men lifted him and placed him on a gurney. One of them injected him with something. Another started an IV. A third put straps over his body. They could be killing him but he had no strength to stop them. He saw another man standing by the doorway; his face in the shadows. For a moment he looked like Garrett but even in his fevered haze, Ward knew Garrett was dead. 

As they moved the gurney closer, the man’s face came into the light. Ward struggled against his bonds but it wouldn’t have mattered. He could barely move.

“We are not here to hurt you,” the man said, touching the side of Ward’s face with a gloved hand. Ward flinched at his touch. “I am a doctor. I will fix your injuries. When you are better, I will teach you to comply and you will be rewarded.”

“Whitehall is alive.” Ward said. He looked up to Garner, Thomas, and Wanda, after he finished telling them what happened. Wanda looked more concerned than Garner.

“Whitehall?” Thomas asked.

“This is very bad,” Wanda replied.

 

“You’re still mad at me? A job is a job. Besides I have intel.” 

May crossed her arms but didn’t smile. Ever since she found out he had been hired to treat Ward, she gave him the cold shoulder. Even over the video link, he could feel her anger. “What’s the intel?”

“Daniel Whitehall might still be alive and I think he was the one that brainwashed Ward or at least did it along with Agent Palamas.”

May looked concerned now. She looked over her ex-husband. “Ward said that? I thought you weren’t going to tell us anything in session.”

“It wasn’t in session. He recounted the story lying on the floor outside my temporary office along with his brother and Wanda Maximoff.”

“Wait a minute—Brother? Not that crazy politician? The one he claimed abused him?” 

Garner shook his head. “No. This is his younger brother, Thomas.”

May didn’t respond. She looked pissed. Andrew still loved her, but he knew it was hard for her to let go of a grudge especially against Ward because they had a relationship. 

“I need you to go to Puerto Rico and confirm his story.”

“You don’t believe him?” she said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“He’s been brainwashed,” Garner explained. “He’ll have false memories and real ones. I don’t know if he imagined Whitehall because he wanted to let Kara off the hook.”

“This was months ago. We may not find anything.”

“I’m sending you the motel name and room number. Open the Bible and let me know if the words I’m sorry are written inside.”

May didn’t respond right away. Garner hated it when she used her game face on him. Finally she said: “Ward wrote he’s sorry?”

“Yes—“

“He probably didn’t mean it. He’s probably looking for sympathy.”

“It’s a death bed confession, Melinda, he thought he was dying.”

“Maybe.”

“I read his files. What were you thinking? Why didn’t you call me when you had him in your lockup?”

“It didn’t seem feasible at the time.”

“Feasible? Three suicide attempts? Bizarre obsessions? Solitary confinement? And you were surprised what happened to him after he got out? This is old SHIELD, Melinda. The ones that lost or ignored my reports on agents I said shouldn’t be in the field.”

“He was never a SHIELD agent,” May explained, “after he stewed for a little while and Hill came to us, we thought we could use him. We didn’t know he was an actual psycho.”

“Ward’s not a psycho.”

“Could have fooled me. He’s killed people.”

“So have you.”

May didn’t respond, but her anger grew. Garner didn’t like to push her buttons, but sometimes he had too. 

“Or is it just that he killed for the wrong side? Ward is deeply disturbed, Melinda, but he’s not a psychopath. He cares for people. He’s capable of remorse. It’s just all mixed up and I think your people made it worse.”

“We weren’t going to coddle him.”

“Coddle? No one’s coddling him. You know I don’t coddle people in therapy. One phone call, Melinda I would have been there. I probably could have gotten him to tell me everything about Hydra.” He didn’t mention that Ward had actually opened up somewhat in session.

“Look, Andrew. He’s not our problem anymore. If Hill wants to deal with him, let her. We’ll go to Puerto Rico, see if he was telling the truth, so that we can track down Whitehall. Try to get more intel from him if you can.”

“Melinda, one last thing.”

“What?” she looked annoyed.

“Can a member a Ward’s former team come here for a few days?”

She looked livid now. “Why?”

“Ward regrets his actions. Seeing his brother helped him remember. A member of his former team might jog his memory so more.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” but for some reason, just in her tone, he knew she wasn’t going to push it.


	9. Painful Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a very minor character death mentioned but not shown.

He went back to his room after they taped up his hand. He broke two knuckles and his pointer finger. He hadn't even felt the pain until after he finished recounting his memory. 

Thomas was waiting for him. Ward stood at the door staring at him. It had been a few years. He had seen Thomas twice since he was 15 and both times Ward had walked away without talking to him. 

“What are you doing here?” he finally asked.

“Wanda asked me to come.”

“You didn’t have too.”

“I didn’t want too.”

Ward took a seat on a chair near the bed.

“How’s your hand?”

Ward looked at the taped up fingers. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry about what happened—“

“You look good, Thomas,” Ward interrupted. 

“You look like you went through a meat grinder.” He said looking over Ward’s face. The bruises had faded to yellow, but were still slightly black under the eyes. 

“You didn’t have to come. I'm sorry to inconvenience you about everything,” his eyes darted away. 

“I came because I wanted to know some truths too.”

“What truths? That I beat you? That I screwed up your life?”

“I just didn’t understand, Grant. You were my friend, then suddenly you weren’t. What happened?”

Ward didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to say. Every time he tried to tell the truth of what happened, he was shut down. Told to stop blaming everyone and take responsibility.

“Answer me, Grant. I deserve to know what happened.”

He looked down and swallowed. Thomas came over to him.

“Christian said his confession was a lie but I’m wondering if it was. Did Christian make you hurt me?”

“No— it was me. I didn’t fight back. I was weak and scared.”

Thomas didn’t say anything for a long time. Ward couldn’t look up, couldn’t look him in the eye because he felt like a failure. He should have protected Thomas. 

“You were eleven years old.”

“It doesn’t matter, I was afraid.”

“You were a kid. Why didn’t you tell mom and dad what he was doing?”

Ward looked down. 

“Don’t shut down on me. I deserve some truth. What you did to me screwed me up for life.”

Ward didn’t look down again. He breathed hard in and out. He wished Kara was here. 

“Grant. Please,” he touched his shoulder. “Please. Tell me. Christian’s not here. You don’t have to be afraid of him.”

“They didn’t believe me,” he croaked out. “They told me I was making it up.”

Thomas didn't look surprised. “Grant, what happened at the well? What did Christian do to you?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don't know if what I remember was real or not. Maybe it wasn't real. Maybe I just hated you.”

Thomas shook his head. “No, I’m not buying it. Christian did something to you that day? What?”

“I don’t know. It changes.”

“Changes?”

“I always throw you into the well, but what Christian did to me to make me do it. It changes. Christian holding a gun to my head, Christian with his hands around my neck, Christian punching in the stomach so hard I throw up, Christian covering my face with a pillow, Christian putting electrodes on my ears. I think that actually happened in Russia. It’s all jumbled together.”

“We can ask Christian.”

“I had to beat the crap out of him the first time just to admit he hated you. He's living his little delusion.”

Thomas paused for a moment. 

“Can you tell me about John Garrett?”

Ward looked spooked. 

“Wanda told me.”

“I met him in Juvie.”

“After you tried to kill me.”

Ward didn’t respond.

“Grant—“

“You weren’t the target.”

“What?”

“I wanted Christian dead. You were supposed to be on that trip to the cape with our parents and Rose. Christian was the one who was supposed to be home. I meant to kill him. He wanted you dead. I had to stop him. Or maybe I’m just crazy.”

“You’re not crazy,” Thomas said, touching his shoulder. “If you were, Dr. Garner would put you away.”

“Maybe he should put me away anyway. What I am I going to do after he un-programs me? Open a pet store, be a sarcastic anti-hero and train other sarcastic anti-heroes?”

“Don’t worry about the future now,” Thomas said. “Worry about the present. Worry about yourself.”

“What’s the point? I’m a murderer, I’m broken. There is no hope for me.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Ward raised his hands. “There is blood all over these. I'm not a good man, Thomas and I never will be. It's too late to save me. Kara was the only one who thought I could be save and she was just toting Whitehall's line.”

Thomas looked dejected. 

“Let’s, at least, found out about Whitehall. Let’s find him before he hurts more people. Wanda told me about him. Brainwashing was his forte, Grant. And he was cruel. She told me a story about how he ripped apart a woman to steal her immorality.”

Ward knew exactly who that woman was, but didn't tell Thomas.

“I should have been stronger. I should have resisted.”

Thomas got livid. “Stronger? Stronger? What the hell are you talking about? The expert at brainwashing, brainwashed you. You’re not invincible. You’re not Captain America. And I bet he could be brainwashed by this guy Whitehall.”

Ward didn’t respond.

“You know I saw you, at the hospital those two times. I guess you thought I wouldn’t recognize you. I almost didn’t. Didn’t know who this dark haired, straight-laced man coming from Gramzy’s room was. The one who put on dark glasses when he saw me. It was mother who recognized you and had a complete meltdown. She wanted to go after you, but Christian held her back.”

Ward still didn’t respond.

“What made you come? You knew that we might be there. Yet you still came to visit her? Why?”

“I don’t know,” he finally said.

“You know she loved you, right. She loved all of us. You were her favorite. Christian, Rose, and I knew, but unlike mother, she refused to play favorites. Mother knew it too. That's why visits were so infrequent. She ranted and raved for 10 minutes how her busy secret agent grandson finally came to visit. Mother was so upset, she left.”

“I want to be alone,” he finally said.

“No—“ Thomas said, his voice got stern. “This is not alone time. She loved you unconditionally. When you got sent away, she told me not to judge you so harshly, said you had to stick with family. She didn’t understand why you wouldn't respond to her letters.”

“Letters?”

“She wrote to you at the military school.”

He shook his head. “I never got any letters.”

“Grant, she died loving you.”

Ward put his head down. He choked back tears but he didn’t let them fall. Thomas put his arm on his shoulder.

“There is no shame in being a victim. You are not to blame for what Christian, Garrett, and Whitehall did to you.”

Ward kept his head down. He swallowed hard. 

“If you can’t take my help. Then I might as well just go.”

He moved to the door.

“Thomas, wait—“ Ward brought his head up as Thomas turned around. “Please. Don’t go.”

 

“Do any of you speak Spanish?” May asked, as Skye, Fitz, and Simmons were going over the room where Ward stayed. The room had been cleaned several times. And the Bible in the drawer had no words inside.

“I do, a little,” Simmons said.

“I have a housekeeper who cleans this room regularly. She seems to recognize me, so 33 must have been here. Would you mind talking to her?”

“Sure.”

Skye and Fitz watched as Jemma left. They continued their search of the room.

“Ironically Ward spoke fluent Spanish,” Fitz said, looking behind the nightstand.

“Who cares,” Skye said. “We’re just wasting our time. Ward and 33 holed up here. She fixed up his wounds, they both went psycho, the end.”

“Hill seemed convinced he was brainwashed.”

“Hill is full of it. She hasn't been in the field for a while. She’s got no idea what it’s like to be on the front lines.”

“She was in Sokovia.”

“One battle, big deal.”

Fitz didn’t respond. Instead he looked behind the bed. He was about to look away when something got his attention. Some kind of paper.

“Anyway, they must think we’re crazy to help Ward. He doesn’t deserve our help. He deserves a bullet in the head. I aimed too low.”

He made a nab for it. And pulled it out.

It was a torn page. He read the words on it that were in Spanish but he could understand them. It was the title page of the Bible.

He turned the page over and his heart fell into his chest.

I’m sorry.

The handwriting was messy and it looked like a struggle to get it out. Fitz remembered after his accident how writing became hard to do.

He opened the drawer and pulled out the Bible. It had two title pages; the second one had been torn out. He placed it on it and they matched.

“Fitz, are you even listening to me?”

“I found the missing page,” he said, waving it around. He showed her Ward’s words. She said nothing.

The door opened. Both May and Simmons came back in.

“The page Ward wrote on,” Fitz explained. “It had been torn out of the book and thrown behind the bed.” He showed the page to Simmons and May. “He was here.”

“We figured,” May said. “The maid said something five men and me being here with a black van. Four of them wore black helmets. She hid. She said one man looked scary. She thought it might have been Whitehall. She recognized Ward from his picture. They took Ward out on a gurney. She said he looked near death. She said she found blood on the shower curtain and found a bloody wash cloth they must have missed.”

No one said anything.

“This means I need someone to find out from Ward everything. We need as much details as possible. Andrew wants it to be one of his original team and I’m inclined to agree.”

“We’re not interrogators,” Simmons said.

“That’s fine. It’s not an interrogation.”

“I’ll go,” Fitz said.

“Fitz, don’t be daft.”

“Yeah, Fitz, you of all people shouldn’t be helping him. He tried to kill you.”

“Look at this,” he said, showing them the page. “He tried to write this when he thought he was dying.”

“Okay then,” Skye said. “Go off, be his best bud again, so next time he can actual kill you.”

“We’re not talking about best buds. First off, we need to find Whitehall, Skye, that’s more important. I mean if anything I thought you would be interested in taking Whitehall down.“

“I am,” she said, defensively. “I haven’t forgotten what Whitehall did to my mother. It’s just that. I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“I won’t. I don’t think I can ever forgive Ward for what he’s done to me, to us, but this,” he said, holding the page. “I’ve been waiting a year and a half for him to at least say he was sorry.”


	10. So Let's Talk About It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late chapter. The last week or so I've been crazy busy. I'm hoping to post a chapter a week.

“Do you think you can talk more now that you know.”

He didn't respond for a long time but finally he said: “I don’t know.” He didn’t look at Garner and his eyes seemed unfocused in a thousand yard stare.

“Wanda and Melinda told me all about Whitehall. SHIELD sent over a bunch of files about him. I never like to use the word evil but I think I can make an exception in this case. Wanda told me that Whitehall helped create Faustus. And his programming is hard to beat.”

“Garrett told me it takes you have to be very special to Hydra to take the time and effort to brainwash them, and not everyone takes to it.”

“Garrett was a liar. Wanda insists Whitehall could do it,” Garner paused for a moment and took a breath. “She told me that other brainwashers would kill the subject if it didn’t work, but not Whitehall. He insisted that any subject bought to him would comply. Ward, I have to warn you about something before we try to break Whitehall’s programing. Whitehall broke people hard. Shattered them so they could never come back, not completely. He did that to Kara and he might have done that to you. It might explain your bizarre behavior and hers. It was probably some kind of psychosis, a side effect of the brainwashing.”

“I’m not crazy,” Ward said, a little annoyed. “Not like Garrett went crazy.”

“Crazy is not a clinical term. You and Kara came out of your programming without the help you needed. All she had was you, and all you had was Whitehall’s programming—“

“So I just doubly killed her.” He still wouldn’t look at Garner. 

“I don’t want to talk about Kara or her death. Not yet. I need you to focus. I need to know if you’re ready to deal with what Whitehall did to you because I think it’s going to be brutal. Regardless of my relationships, I’m not bias against your recovery. And your brother is here to support you. And Wanda is here to help too. You have three people on your side.”

He swallowed hard. He finally looked at Garner with weary eyes but finally gave the slightest nod.

“Okay, what happened after Whitehall took you out of the hotel?”

“I don’t completely remember.”

“I know. I can give a very light sedation to help relax you.”

Ward looked disturbed. “No— I remember enough.” 

 

He only had bits and pieces of his memory. Small images in his head, he couldn’t put in any order. He had a brief image of Whitehall above him wearing a surgical mask and then darkness. He vaguely remembered lying on a gurney in some kind of recovery room and 33 coming in, brushing the side of his face, before she jabbed him with a needle. 

He remembered things that made no sense. Being in a cold wet dark place, someone with strong hands choking him, he saw Garrett screaming at him, he felt intense pain throughout his body, he felt his head under water. 

Then he was in a new place, almost like a house. The room he was in was like a bedroom with a hospital bed. He smelled something strong, something from his childhood and he knew at least what part of the world he was in. He thought other people were here including a little girl.

He figured these were all hallucinations. He never quite woke up after the surgery because they kept him drugged. He didn’t know how many days had passed but he constantly saw 33 with a needle. Constantly saw May’s face looking at him almost to a point of wanting her dead.

The pain from the wound subsided and when it became a dull ache, two goons along with 33 picked him up between them. He couldn’t resist. He barely knew his own name he was so drugged. They moved him into another room. Sterile with white walls and wood floors. They placed him in a metal chair. He looked up to see Whitehall and those Nazi style glasses staring at him.

The goons placed a strap around his waist and another around his ankles and chest. The put this hands in cuffs hanging from the ceiling. 33 put a clamp on his lower right eye.

“No—“ he said, weakly. “Please stop,” he tried to tell her. “Please, you’re a SHIELD agent, you’re stronger than this. You can fight it.”

She ignored him and without hesitation continuing placing the other clamps on his eyes. 

“Don’t waste your breath,” Whitehall said. He walked over to 33 and pushed back her hair. “I didn’t just brainwash her. Most people after a few days comply. Her? A week and she wouldn't give in. So I had no choice but to completely destroy who she was. Her honor, her valor, her compassion. She was truly noble to the end. Told me to do my worse. She believed in SHIELD and promised she would die before giving in. She even quoted Peggy Carter. I took all of that away. I am her world. I will always be her world until I tell her otherwise.”

Ward became filled with a deep-seated terror he couldn’t describe more than when Christian tortured him or those first few weeks alone in the woods. Except that this terror felt familiar. 

He looked at Whitehall. “Please,” he said. His eyes got teary but Whitehall looked at him with pity, but no mercy. 

“But don’t worry. If you give in quick,” he said and actually wiped away Ward’s tears with his gloved fingers. “I don’t have to do to you what I did to her.”

Then he put the machine on. 

Ward hated himself. He hated himself so much because he didn’t fight like she did. 

 

“Ward!” Garner yelled out. One moment Ward had been telling him what happened, the next he slid off the chair and began convulsing.

Andrew rushed to his patient. He moved him to his side then pulled back to wait for the seizure to subside. He looked at his watch. A minute passed and Ward was still seizing. 

The door of his office opened. Wanda stood there with Thomas behind her. There were two guards. Garner realized they must have heard him yell.

“What is happening,” Wanda said as she rushed over to him. Ward continued convulsing. 

“We were just talking about Whitehall,” Garner explained, trying to keep his voice calm. “And then he seized up.”

“What should we do?” she asked. 

“It should subside on it’s own,” Andrew explained. “He’s fine on the floor. We just have to keep him from hurting himself.”

“Can’t we do anything?” Thomas said, with panic in his voice. “Please.”

Garner grabbed a cushion from the couch and put in under Ward’s head. 

Thomas, does epilepsy run in your family?”

“No. Why won’t he stop?”

“I don’t know,” Garner looked at his watch. Two minutes had now passed. This was way too long for a seizure. 

“I think it might be booby trap,” Wanda explained. “Whitehall put it in his head.”

“How do we stop it?” Garner said. 

Wanda didn’t reply but Garner saw something in her eyes. 

“Wanda, can you stop it?”

Her face fell and she looked away from Garner before responding. “I will not put in false memories not anymore.“

“Please, I don’t want him to hurt himself.” Garner could see her hesitancy. “Wanda, it’s the right thing to do.”

Wanda didn’t look happy, but she pushed her hair out of the way. She swooped down and wiggled her fingers. Pretty scarlet shiny light went around Ward’s head. “Love, picket fence, puppies, calm.”

A moment later the shaking stopped and Ward relaxed against the floor. Wanda pulled away and stood up. Garner could see she was visibly upset.

“It’s alright,” he said. “One memory won’t hurt him.”

Wanda didn’t reply. She walked out without saying a word.

 

She made her way outside because she needed air. When Cap first offered her this assignment, she had been reluctant to take it She had been more interested in developing her power rather than helping some two-bit former Hydra agent. Cap said she knew a lot about Hydra and about Whitehall. She could help him. He then made her feel guilty by saying being an Avenger was not all about hitting people, they are about compassion. The same compassion Hawkeye showed her. Wanda knew this assignment bothered him. She could see it when he talked to her. She knew he was looking for a lost friend. One who had also been brainwashed.

As she read over the reports about Grant Ward, she realized their story wasn't so different. They had both joined Hydra as volunteers. They had both done terrible things. The only difference was he hadn’t yet gotten to a moment where he could turn around. She knew she could help him get off his destructive path, Even thought it would have to ultimately be his decision whether to do so. 

She found herself sympathetic to his situation as a child. Wanda would do anything to have her parents and brother alive again. She couldn’t imagine a family being cruel to one of their own children. 

But she didn’t like what she just did. She had given false memories to the people who were now her friends. She hadn’t wanted to do it again. She knew it was a good memory, but still it bothered her.

A Quinjet landed nearby. She didn’t know who was due back. Nat, Rhody, Vision, and Cap were on assignment. Sam was practicing in the airfield not that far. Clint was still on his long vacation with his wife. She called him about this assignment. While she was familiar with Hydra and Whitehall, brainwashing and helping people wasn’t her forte. He didn’t give her any advice, and had told her she would do fine. She wished Vision were here. She enjoyed his company, his young naivety and wanted his counsel. 

Three people came out of the Quinjet: first was pilot that worked at the base. She was followed a very tall man with dark skin and a much shorter white man. She knew the white man but they had never met. He was in the report about Grant Ward. He was the kid that Ward had almost killed. She knew that Dr. Garner had asked one of Ward’s former teammates to come, but she was surprised that one actually did.

The two of them walked closer to the compound. Wanda met them halfway and blocked their passage. “We are Avengers,” she said. “But this is not a place for vengeance.”

The man didn’t respond. He actually looked star struck. Wanda sometimes had to remember that being an Avenger meant she might have fans.

The larger man spoke. “We’re not here for vengeance. We’re here for help gather intel—“ then he added. “Gently. Actually only Fitz is here to do that. I’m here to support him.”

“How bad is he?” Fitz asked. Wanda could see something in the young man’s eyes that she didn’t see in the other man, a glimpse of compassion. 

“He is very bad,” she explained. She pointed her finger to her head. “All messed up in here.”


	11. Whole Lot of Brainwashing Going On

“I warned you it might get brutal,” Garner explained. He wasn’t sure what to do. Ward had woken up in the infirmary four hours ago and refused to say a single word. Mostly he was back to his thousand-yard stare, this time at the wall. Thomas had been the one who came to him concerned the seizure had done damage. However when Garner examined him, Ward showed normal responses to light and reflexes. 

He didn’t want to talk about what he saw.

“You can’t shut down every time something bad happens.”

Nothing. Garner’s frustration rose. He wasn’t sure of the best way to get Ward to talk. When he saw SHIELD agents before, they almost always shut down in sessions before things got too difficult to discuss. 

“Do you want me to be nice to you instead of just being non-judgmental? Do you want me to coddle you and say poor baby?” he finally said. He wasn’t sure it was the right thing, but he wanted to snap Ward out of it. 

The baby comment did get a raise out of him. He looked briefly at Garner with annoyance and then back to the wall. At least he wasn’t catatonic. Garner worried that might happen. 

“So you don’t want to be coddled, but I can’t talk to you if you don’t respond.” Garner sat and sighed his frustration. “Your brother is worried about you. Can you at least talk to him.”

No response. Garner wasn’t sure what else he could say or do. 

“And Fitz is here.”

Ward didn’t speak but he focused his attention back on Garner. That stare was gone at least. For the first time, he looked almost focused again. 

“He needs intel on Whitehall. You don’t have to talk about the bad stuff, but maybe you can tell us about the place Whitehall kept you and Kara. Maybe he’s still there and we can put this horrible person in prison forever.”

Ward kept eye contact but said nothing.

“Fitz found your apology in the Bible. Maybe you can apologize in person. He’s waiting outside. Can I get him?”

Ward didn’t respond, didn’t say yes or no, but he manage to nod. The dead stare didn't returned. 

 

“Will I be safe?” Fitz asked. “Maybe Mack should be here.” Fitz stood right outside the door of the infirmary, unsure he wanted to go in. He hadn’t seen Ward since that Hydra mission and he had hoped to never see him again. 

Garner shook his head. “I rather he be with people he knows.”

“I will keep you safe,” Wanda said. “That is promise. I kill Ultron, so I think I can handle myself.”

Fitz didn’t respond. 

“I’ll be on the sidelines too. Fitz, I can’t control what you say or do. Can you please talk to him calmly with no judgment?”

“How can I? He almost killed me and destroyed my life. How can I just act like his buddy?” he said, his tone a little desperate. 

“You don’t have to be his friend, but if you yell at him for what he’s done, he’ll shut down even more. I just need you to get him to talk.”

Wanda touched Fitz’s shoulder. “Grant—he is not ready to face bad things he has done and were done to him. He has to deal with one thing at a time.”

“Please Fitz,” Garner said. “Maybe just don’t talk. Maybe just listen.”

“I’ll try,” he said. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Ward was lying on the hospital bed. He looked at Fitz but made no expression.

“I not really here,” Wanda said, as she walked to another part of the infirmary. “I rearrange supplies, make doctors crazy.”

“I’m just going to sit here,” Garner said taking a seat in the far side of the room. “I’m just an observer.”

Fitz pulled a seat but kept it at arm’s length from Ward. Ward looked strangely docile but Fitz still didn’t trust him. 

He pulled out a recorder.

“Do you want to tell about the house Whitehall kept you at?”

“It was by the ocean,” Ward started talking, without hesitating although his voice was low and sounded tired. “The sun was south of us so we are east. I was drugged out of my mind for I don’t know, days maybe or weeks. I’m assuming I was moved by plane. I only have images— memories are hard to recall, but I think I have enough for a full picture. Whitehall brainwashed me.”

“We know,” Fitz said, annoyed.

Ward ignored his tone. “When he brainwashed me, he made me obey him and Kara.”

Fitz didn’t respond. Garner stood up but didn’t say anything. 

Ward looked down at the light hospital blanket that covered him. “Then he made me brainwash Kara so she would obey me,” He swallowed hard. “When he left, he ordered us both to still think he was dead—“ 

“Where did he go, do you remember?” 

Ward ignored his questions. 

“Whitehall’s programming was still inside us. After we brainwashed Bahski, Kara casually mentioned that I didn’t follow orders fast enough and I seemed reluctant to kill. I put those stupid things back on my eyelids so I would comply better for her.”

“Shit,” said a low voice. Fitz was surprised that it was Garner. 

Ward ignored him too and Wanda who began to walk slowly back. 

“When she was free of Whitehall’s influence, she didn’t even remember what she did. I didn’t either. She would tell me things and I would do anything to fix them. She would ask me about my past and I told her everything. All of our pain just made things worse and I think Whitehall knew this. I think he got some kind of sick pleasure from us going crazy.”

Wanda came back to his side of the infirmary. She said nothing but she looked over Ward with sympathy.

“I don’t want your pity.”

“It is not pity, but compassion for you and for girl.”

“Ward, her compassion isn’t mean nor does she think you are a lesser person for what you went through,” Garner said. 

Ward also didn’t respond to that. Fitz didn’t know what to say. What happened to Ward and Kara was awful and Fitz did feel sympathy for her but less for Ward. It still did not take away from his betrayal.

“You want intel, right? Let’s focus on that. Since Whitehall erased our memories, everything is fuzzy. But the house was by the ocean. The waves were murky, the beach rocky, and the air was chilly. It was that smell that got me. I grew up in New England. I know my own hell.”

“What can you remember about Whitehall?” Fitz asked. “What were his plans?”

“Vengeance, chaos, power, and control.”

“That’s rather general.”

“He wasn’t some cartoon villain who told me his entire evil plan. Hydra never worked that way. They have cells, Fitz. And cells don’t talk to each other. With a lot of Hydra heads dead, Whitehall probably thought it was feasible to remain dead until he had time to build things up again. He probably programed us to help.”

“Wouldn’t he be worried that you or Kara would remember?”

“Whitehall is arrogant,” Wanda explained. “He’s an expert. He probably thinks you’ll never remember.”

“It was the smell and the pain. Also it’s strange. I complied easily to both Kara and Whitehall. I don’t know why. I just didn’t fight.”

“Don’t beat yourself up for that,” Garner said. 

“If Whitehall didn’t tell you his mission, what did he want you to do?”

“He wanted vengeance. Against me for using him, against Kara for the hell of it. He had a list of enemies he wanted me to destroy. There are probably more names but these are the ones I remember. Bahski, Coulson, Morse, Cal Zarbo, Simmons—“

“Jemma—Jemma was one of his targets,” Fitz asked concerned. “What did you have planned for her?”

“I’m not sure but I guess I was supposed to kill her.”

Fitz looked both confused and upset.

“I don’t get it—I don’t get it at all. I mean I’m glad you didn’t kill her, but why didn’t you?”

“I don’t know—And I had a chance to do it, but I just couldn’t.”

Fitz knew that he told Garner that he would stick just to gathering intel, but he couldn’t hold it back. He had to know. “Did you mean what you wrote in the Bible?”

Garner said nothing and Fitz was glad. 

“That I’m sorry?” he looked into Fitz’s eyes. “Yes.”

Fitz looked down. He bit his lower lip. The apology sounded more sincere than the one Ward tried on the bus. Fitz realized Ward had been under Whitehall’s control at the time. 

“Did Garrett brainwash you?” Fitz asked.

“He groomed me to be a killer, but Garrett or my brother didn’t pull the trigger. I did. Ultimately it’s my responsibility.”

“They helped,” Wanda said, her voice gentle but she looked at Fitz. “And Whitehall, he could make you kill your own mother.”

“That wouldn’t be hard. Kara, she resisted so much. She needed trigger words. Compliance from Whitehall and closure from me. Me, I guess I didn’t need one. Whitehall was impressed how easy it was to take control of me. I guess Garrett was right. I’m weak and a coward. My brother, Garrett, Lorelei, Whitehall they didn’t need a lot to make me do bad things--”

“I wouldn’t count Lorelei,” Fitz said. “I didn’t resist her either.”

“And you’re stronger than I am, Fitz, so I guess you’re right,” he looked down. He closed his eyes for a moment.

Fitz didn’t say anything.

“What else you remember?”

“Nothing,” he said, but when raised his head, he looked confused.

“Everything helps,” Fitz said. “We have to find Whitehall.”

“I think this was just a dream. Kara had Skye’s hair and eyes. We were standing by a white fence, and she was carrying a basket of puppies.”

“Ah, just a dream, I think. I think we should let him rest for bit. Rest, sleep, bring more memories back,” Wanda said and smiled, but Fitz could see sadness in it. 

 

“No problems?” Mack asked. Fitz shook his head. He looked over his friend who came with him for support. He was glad Mack volunteered. Seeing Ward and hearing what Whitehall did to him was taking its toll. 

They were sitting in the cafeteria. Thomas Ward sat not far from them. They had met early for only a moment, and it had been uncomfortable.

“None—It actually was okay. I got some good intel. The house they kept him in was in New England on the coast. A Sprawling mansion. Probably isolated. I’ll get Skye on property searches.”

“It’s been 8 months, I doubt he’s still there.”

“It’s a start.”

“Are you sure you’re okay. You don’t look happy.”

“He said he was sorry. I guess that’s what I needed.” He did want to hear it, yet for some reasons it wasn’t enough. Fitz didn’t know why. He grew up that you accepted someone’s apology but after all that had happened, an apology just wasn’t enough.

“Do you forgive him?”

“No—I don’t think I can.”

“You forgave me.”

“It’s different. You saved me. Ward had a chance and didn’t. He put Garrett’s mission first before his team—“

“He’s coming over here,” Mack said.

Fitz turned to see Thomas Ward reluctantly walk over. There was family resemblance a little in the face and height, but his hair was blond and his features softer.

“Hi-“ he said, with hesitance in his voice. “Is um—Grant talking again?”

“Yes,” Fitz said. He smiled to loosen the tension. “Why don’t you sit?”

“It’s okay,” Mack added, “We don’t bite.”

Thomas looked relieved but still uncomfortable. He sat in a chair opposite of Fitz. “Is he okay? I was worried. He barely even acknowledged I was there.”

“I asked him for intel and he gave it to me.”

“I’m sorry for what he did to you. Wanda told me.”

“Don’t be sorry. You’re not your brother’s keeper.”

“Still—I’m here supporting him. Helping him through this.” Fitz looked over Thomas and realized he didn’t seem to want to be here either. “Even after all the bad things he’s done.”

Fitz didn’t know what to say.

“How bad was it? What he saw.”

Fitz repeated what Ward had told him.

“Oh god,” he said when Fitz finished. “Grant was already messed up in the head. He didn’t need this.”

“It will be okay,” Mack said. “You’re here and Dr. Garner will help him.”

“Leo Fitz?” said a loud commanding voice.

“Holy shit,” Mack said, standing up. “I mean, sorry sir—“

Fitz turned around to see the owner of the voice and was surprised to see Nick Fury. He stood up too, but Thomas didn’t.

“Sit, both of you. I’m retired.”

Fitz sat but Mack seemed reluctant. “But sir. Aren’t you dead?”

“Do I look dead? And sit down.”

Mack finally took his seat. Fury focused his attention on Fitz.

“It’s good to see you Agent Fitz, because the last time I saw you, you weren’t looking well.”

“I’m better, sir.”

“Captain Rogers informed me of what’s going on here. I think you’re brave coming here to help a man who wronged you. Old SHIELD had too many vendettas. We can’t be like that. I’m glad Phil Coulson’s doing a good job.”

“Yeah,” Fitz said and he tried to smile.


	12. Someone to believe me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope a lot of people like this chapter. Ward comes to terms with a lot of things. 
> 
> This story is mostly finished, but I have a few sections that need series rewrites and I'm about to come across one. So it me be a little while before there is a new chapter.

“How was it like seeing Fitz?” Garner asked. Ward had been released from the infirmary in the morning and now he was back talking to Garner in his borrowed office. Ward looked tired but he looked less unhappy. 

“It wasn't as bad as I expected.”

“I thought it would be brutal, but what Whitehall did to you and Kara— that was beyond terrible. He’s a sadist. You understand that what Whitehall did was his fault not yours.”

Ward swallowed hard but still didn’t say anything. Garner should have seen it earlier. Ward felt responsible for anything, not just the things he had done. 

“We can talk about it when you’re ready. Do you want to talk about Fitz?”

“Okay.”

“Do you want his forgiveness?”

Ward hesitated, but Garner could see he was thinking. He pushed his lips together.

Finally he said in a low voice. “More than anything.”

“So why didn’t you tell him?”

“Because of what happen on the plane. I blew it.”

“The plane?”

“The bus. I wanted to be sincere, but it came out all wrong. Everything was all mixed up. Kara said they would forgive me if they just knew but when I tried to tell them, I got shut down. I guess I came off like an ass.”

“You were still under Whitehall and Kara’s—“

“No—very important Dr. Garner. Do not paint Kara as anything other than a victim. She deserves better. This was all Whitehall.”

“Okay— You were still under Whitehall’s control. Maybe your former teammates will understand. Maybe they would understand if I told them.”

“They don’t. And they don’t want to try.” Now he started to sound angry but not enough for Garner to worry about it. He already figured out Ward’s stages of angry. Pacing would come next, followed by trying to hit something. 

“Have you ever told them you’re sorry? I mean besides writing it.”

“I couldn’t after your ex broke my larynx.” 

“It’s not an excuse.”

“After that it was too late. Coulson wouldn’t stop asking me about Hydra. He only cared about Hydra. He tried everything to make me talk. He’s sit outside my cell and stare at me for hours. He’d leave the lights on so I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes meals wouldn’t show up or the room would fill with white noise. I told him I would only talk to Skye. That pissed him off. When we came to an agreement that I would go back undercover with Hydra, the meals came regularly, the lights went off, but every morning at 5:30 every morning, no matter what time I went to sleep, an alarm would go off. Every single morning. Because I had to keep in shape if I were to escape, so no sleeping in for me.”

“Ward, I’m not happy about you being kept in solitary, but I’ve seen worse interrogations.”

Ward didn’t respond. His anger was higher now, but still at an acceptable level. Instead he said. “He wouldn’t let me die either. Do you know why? He said that I shouldn’t get off so easy. So tell me this, head shrinker, what did I do to Coulson to merit this? He didn’t want justice, then I would have gone to jail, got a trial, probably got the needle.”

“So he saved your life in a round about way.”

“But I wanted to die.”

“Maybe he didn’t want you to die. Did you think about that?”

“Does it still justify the way he treated me?”

“I can’t answer that. But what do you think?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can we talk more about Whitehall and the house you were in?”

Ward looked away. 

“Deflecting again?”

“That’s all I’m good for, right? Intel.” He stood up and paced. His hands balled into fists but his anger went into his pacing. Garner knew he had to diffuse the anger soon or Ward would hit a wall. 

“That’s only part of it. Sit down Ward. You know this isn’t just about you. If we don’t find Whitehall, a lot of people could get hurt.”

Ward sat but he still looked angry. He tapped the edge of his chair instead. “Skye called me a Nazi once, because in the SHIELD manual, she read that Red Skull was a Nazi. She didn’t mention that in that same manual, Fury wrote the introduction that SHIELD is about protection. A single person or the entire planet.”

“So you think that after all the bad things you’ve done to them, they should have reached out to you instead?”

Ward didn’t say anything. He crossed his arms again. 

“You have to stop defensive every time you hear something you don’t like. Did you expect them to be your friends afterwards? Be your team? Forgive you? Be sympathetic? You have to understand that you hurt them. Not just physically like Fitz but mentally too. You broke their trust to help a bad man. They are allowed to be angry and have feelings.”

That got Ward’s anger to dissipate. He stopped tapping the chair. He looked at Garner with wide eyes. 

“I understand. I’m sure Coulson shared my conversations in the vault. Did I ever tell them they were wrong for hating me? I wanted no sympathy, no forgiveness, no friendship.”

“Then what did you want?”

Ward said nothing for a long time. 

“Ward?”

“Understanding—“ he finally said. “I wanted some understanding.” 

“Of why you’re a killer?”

“Yes.” He said, looking down. “I know that I killed all those people, Dr. Garner. I know that I pulled the trigger not Garrett, not Christian. I know that I should go to prison for it. But they helped. Right? They made me who I am. It wasn’t all me, right? It can’t be all me. Because if it is, it means I’m just plain evil.” He covered his face with his hands and took a long deep breath. Garner didn’t speak until Ward looked up again.

“No. Christian and Garrett share responsibility for what they did to you. You were their victim and Garrett deliberately made you a killer. Now you know what they’ve done, it’s up to you to change. You don’t have to be what they made you.”

“Coulson wanted to wipe my bad memories to make me a good man. Do you think I should do that?”

“Never in a million years. It’s barbaric and maybe even worse than what Whitehall did to Kara and you. I think you can be fixed.” 

“Despite all the bad things I’ve done?”

“Yes. Anyone can turn around and say stop. Wanda did it. So can you.”

“I had to beat my brother to get him to acknowledge what he did.”

“You don’t have to beat anyone. However I cannot make your former teammates understand. You have to acknowledge that. They may never understand and they don’t have to if they don’t want too.”

“But you do?”

“I do.”

Ward swallowed hard again. His eyes were teary but he didn’t cry. 

“And you believe me, right? About the abuse? About what Christian did to me? Because I always thought it was all me.”

“Yes without a doubt. That psychiatrist that saw you was wrong. He should have never dismissed your abuse allegations. Even if the evidence wasn’t there. I’ve seen other cases like this. Abuse is rarely made up.”

Ward took a deep breath and choked down his tears, but looked relieved, like a burden had been lifted.


	13. Down the Rabbit Hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, Ward is not quite finished with his journey into the past.

“Must have been an impressive session if he let you do this.” Thomas said. 

The two brothers sat at a picnic table outside watching people train while they ate sandwiches. Ward finally learned they were at the Avengers base. They weren’t told the location and Thomas said he had been blindfolded when they flew him here.

Even though he should be excited, he wasn’t. He was overwhelmed because Dr. Garner believed him. No one in authority had ever believed him. By the time Garrett found him, he was hallowed out, and believed that he was responsible for because he had been afraid of Christian. Ultimately he felt that now he could try to make amends for the bad things he did, free and clear of his abusive past.

“It was,” Ward admitted. He looked at a bracelet Garner put on him after the session ended. It didn’t look any different than the anti-tech bracelet Skye had to wear. An alarm went off if he entered any areas he wasn’t allowed. He had permission to be outside for 5 hours, after that he was limited to his room, Garner’s office, the infirmary, and the bathroom. He knew eventually as he got better, he would get more freedom. Ultimately he knew he had to face some kind of consequences for what had done but he didn’t think about it now. He wanted just a little while to enjoy being completely free of his past. “Let’s say from now on my actions are my own and I prefer they not be self-destructive or that I hurt other people.”

“Sounds like a start.”

Ward didn’t respond. 

“I cannot believe I’m in the Avengers training camp. Maybe I can meet Captain America before I go home.”

“Go home?”

Thomas didn’t reply right away. “You know I can’t stay here forever, right?”

“I know,” Ward said, putting his head down. He had been through a lot and he wasn't quite sure he was ready for his brother to go. They had been estranged for so long, he wanted more time. Especially now that he had a clear head. 

“I mean unless they want me to be an Avenger, then I’ll stay,” Thomas said, to lessen the tension. 

Ward laughed. 

“Can you believe I met Nick Fury?”

“Nick Fury is here?” Ward had vague memories of Ultron and of Nick Fury showing up in a Helicarrier to rescue civilians, but it has mostly been background. 

“Yes. Did you ever meet him?”

“A few times. Usually rushed.” Ward paused and changed the subject back to Thomas leaving. It was true that he didn’t want Thomas to go, but his being here helped put him on the right track. He didn’t want to disrupt his brother’s life anymore. Thomas deserved some peace. He had been Christian’s victim too. “If you need to go, Thomas, I understand. I appreciate you coming even for a short while.”

“I figured I’d stay for a few more days. Make sure you don’t take a step back.”

“Sounds good, but I don’t see it happening. Christian abused me, Garrett turned me into a killer, Whitehall brainwashed me and I’m responsible for the people I killed. Accepting that, I think I can face anything.”

“Hey—“ said a hesitant voice behind them. Ward turned around to see Mack, who put his hands up. 

“I’m not here to make trouble,” he explained, slowly putting his hands down and walking to the table. He came close enough so Ward could hear him, but not enough to be in anyone’s space. “I came to apologize—to you.”

Ward didn’t respond.

“For what you did to Fitz, I can’t forgive you and I can’t forgive you for killing fellow SHIELD agents. But I hurt you for Bobbi, not them. You were brainwashed and you were fighting it. I was possessed by something alien and I attacked other SHIELD agent. I don’t even remember doing it. I know what it’s like not to be in your right mind. I think Bobbi understands too. She may not be up to forgiveness, but she knows that you fought your brainwashing enough to help her.”

“Thanks,” Ward said but his voice was awkward. “I appreciate it.”

“I just wanted you to know,” he turned around to leave.

Mack, wait,” Thomas said. Mack turned back around. 

“Do you think Fitz will ever forgive him?”

“Thomas— It’s okay. No one has to forgive me,” Although Ward was glad Thomas asked. He didn’t have the nerve to do it. 

“I did, other people can too.”

“He’s a good man, so anything’s possible.” Mack didn’t say anything else but left.

“It’s a start,” Thomas said when Mack was gone.

“Dr. Garner said I shouldn’t expect forgiveness from anyone I hurt. I apologized to Fitz. He can forgive me or not.”

“What do you want to do now?” Thomas asked. 

Ward looked at the track. “Maybe I’d like to take a run on the Avengers track?”

Thomas smiled. “I’ll race you.”

 

He opened his eyes and felt nothing. His head was empty of all thoughts. His mind had one thing: the mission. 

He got out of bed, didn’t bother with shoes or changing out of the sweats and tee shirt he slept in. He stood by the door, staring out it as he put his plan together. He ripped the tape off his hand. Despite the pain of the not yet mended broken bones bending, he flexed it. He didn’t flinch, cringe or cry out in pain. He felt nothing. All that matter was the target. Kill the target. 

The door was locked but he broke it in seconds with his good hand. The guard waiting outside looked surprised. He took him down quickly in a sleeper hold and didn’t wait a moment. He dragged the guard inside.

He walked the hallway, passing people who didn’t even looking at him. They weren’t suspicious yet. He had completely memorized the layout earlier today when they had taken him outside. He passed a meeting hall. He suspected his target would there, if not the next stop would be the living quarters. 

When he left the hallway and entered another set of rooms, an alarm went off that sounded like a shrill school bell. It didn’t stop him. Nothing would. He needed to locate his target. Guards came but he threw them against walls and knocked them over. A guard tried to hit him with an icer but missed. He broke the guard’s arm and took the icer from him.

He heard his name being yelled, but he didn’t stop. More guards were ahead but he used the icer to take out all of them. A perfect shot every single time. 

At the meeting hall doors, he shot the keycard entry with the icer. It sparked and the door opened. 

He was right to pick the meeting hall first. 

Seated at the table was his target. He stared at him intently. He needed to kill this man. Killing him meant he would be rewarded. 

Nick Fury. 

Fury saw him and stood up but made no move against him. 

Several guards tried to rush him, but he never forgot his training. He rapidly iced everyone who came in front of him. 

He moved closer to Fury who looked around and then put his hand on his gun. “Son, you do not want to do this.” 

“Stop!” A female voice screamed out. “Grant, calm! Calm!”

And everything went black.

 

“Miss Maxinoff, do you mind telling me what the hell is going on? Is this the man you said was free of his brainwashing?”

Wanda sensed other people around her. People were assisting the guards Ward had iced or knocked to the floor. 

She looked around and saw Garner wearing sweats, a t-shirt and looking sleepy.

“What the hell?” Garner said. Ward stood in front of Fury, staring at him, but he didn’t move. “Ward, what’s going on?”

Ward didn’t respond. Wanda kept a strong hold on him to stop whatever horrible thing had been planted in him. 

“Maxinoff, I’m waiting,” Fury said, his voice stern.

Wanda waved her hand in front of Ward’s face. He didn’t blink and his expression didn’t change. 

“This is another booby trap planned by Whitehall.”

Garner did the same to Ward. He waved his hand in front of his eyes. Ward didn’t have the thousand-yard stare. He looked like a robot waiting instructions. “He’s catatonic,” Garner said. 

“Booby trap?” Fury asked. He didn’t put his gun away.

“Whitehall put targets to be eliminated in his head. I thought he had broken through all of them.”

Thomas, Fitz, and Mack came running in. Mack and Fitz stopped by the door but Thomas ran to his brother.

“Grant—what’s going on?”

“He cannot hear you,” Wanda explained. “I am controlling him now. I do not like it, but he meant to kill you,” she said to Fury.

“I figured that when he came in here like a fighting tornado.”

Fury put his gun away and also waved his hand in front of Ward’s eyes but got no response. 

“Are there more booby-traps?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. 

“Can you find out?”

“Not until he wakes up and gives permission.”

“Maxinoff—“ Fury started.

“Not until he wakes up and gives permission,” she repeated. This time more sternly. She looked to Thomas. “Please catch him.”

“What?” Thomas asked. 

“Sleep,” she said and Ward collapsed. Thomas caught him before he hit the ground.


	14. Whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream.

“Baby—“

Ward woke up in a room he’d been in before. Whitehall kept him here for his recovery. He watched a girl run across the room and out a door. 

He looked up to see Kara’s smiling face with scars. She was leaning over him. 

For some reason he wasn't confused that she didn’t look like May. He reached up and felt her hair. She kissed him lightly on the lips. He pulled himself out of the bed. There was no pain. He looked at his side but there was no bandage or blood and he wasn’t drugged.

“What we had wasn’t a lie right?”

“Right.” she said and pulled away.

“Our love too,” said another voice. Ward turned around to see Skye standing besides another hospital bed. 

“You shouldn’t go inside,” Skye warned. 

“You don’t want to see,” said Kara’s voice from behind him. She walked over to be next to Skye.

“What do you mean inside? Inside what? What’s there?”

“Weakness,” they said together. They pointed behind him.

Ward turned around. The room had turned into a long wide hallway with a door at the end. The door looked sinister. It was metal and black with spikes and had a bolt across it. Ward had never been terrified of a door, but he felt it deep inside. It was the terror he felt when Whitehall was about to brainwash him. Still he felt compelled to walk to it. There were several normal doors along the hallway. They all looked like regular white doors as they were going to someone’s house. All were closed. 

A door swung open and Bobbi appeared. Behind her he could see the room he had locked her in. She crossed her arms. “Coward. Always a coward. Always afraid to look. Always afraid to see the real Grant Ward.” A gun shot went off behind her and wound appeared on her chest. She didn’t fall nor did it seem to hurt her. She pointed at the bleeding wounds. “This never would have happened if you weren’t so afraid.” She went back into the room and the door slammed shut.

The door still looked menacing but that didn't seem to stop him. 

Another door open. It was Kara wearing May’s face. “Please protect me.”

More gunshots went off. She fell to the floor where he had killed her. The door slammed shut.

He kept walking.

Another door opened. It was the two guards from the Fridge. He didn’t know their names but he took advantage of their compassion. They died for letting him in. They didn’t say anything but shook their heads despite the big holes in them. 

Ward kept walking. The scary door at the end looked more menacing. Vines had grown out of it now. The spikes turned to sharp nails.

But still he kept walking. 

Another door opened. Victoria Hand looked at him. That horrific blood he saw dripping all over the floor covered her head. He had to do it, to save Garrett, but why did it hurt so much? 

Like Bobbi, she crossed her arms. “I thought I could trust you. You picked fear, Ward. Of course you needed an exit plan. You are worthless and weak. Too afraid to open the door, coward.”

He moved ahead passed another door. 

When it opened, he saw younger Christian leaning against the well. “Come look at the coward I caught.”

“Christian!” a voice screamed out of the well. “Please let me up.” He knew it was him in the wall. Eleven years old and struggling not to drown. He remembered now. He rescued Thomas too soon. 

He was sleeping and Christian woke him up by covering his mouth. He dragged him to the well and threw him in. He left them there in the dark and the freezing cold for he didn’t know how long. When Christian finally pulled him back up, he told him if he ever disobeyed again, he would die down there. 

When he told his parents what Christian had done, they didn’t believe him. Not for a moment. He got punished for lying. 

He got angry. What kind of parents would do that to their own child? That made him more determined to get the door at the end. He wasn't going to let Christian stop him. 

The door was closer now and only two regular doors remained. 

Ward turned to the first one before it even opened. When it did, he saw Skye. She wasn’t angry. She leaned against the doorframe. “I woke up a weakness inside you. But it’s not a weakness and you know it. Your weakness is not opening that door.”

Ward turned and looked at the door. It was pulsating now, teaming with tentacles and sharp nails. He didn’t want to go inside but yet he moved even closer to it.

“Psss… Over here.”

The last door opened and it was Coulson. 

“I know something you don’t know,” he said and pointed to the door. “And it’s inside this door.”

He remembered something else. When he was in the vault. The third time he tried to end his life. He had hit his head so hard, he had a concussion. Something appeared at the edge of his memory. Before he could grasp it, they sedated him. 

As he looked closer the bolt on the door wasn’t normal, it was the berserker staff. It glowed as if it was ready for him to touch him. The nails got longer and were covered in blood. The reached over the staff he couldn't get to it. 

“Grant,” a voice said from behind.

He turned to see Kara. She hadn’t come out of a door. Her face had no scars but he knew the mask was gone. She wore a white dress and had bare feet. 

“You are stronger than you think. Your compassion, your empathy, and your love are not weaknesses. I will always stand with you, Grant. You can get through this. It’s okay to be scared but it’s time to face your fears. Remember I forgive you.”

He turned around and grabbed the berserker staff and yanked open the door. 

He couldn’t stop the memory of him, his hands cuffed to the celling, the clamps on his crying eyes, and the face in front of him that he should have never trusted.

 

He couldn’t move his left hand and he didn’t know why. He pulled at it hard but it wouldn’t move. Then he started yelling and struggling because he was sure he was being brainwashed again. 

“Grant.” He heard his brother’s voice. “Grant, it’s okay. Open your eyes.”

He did. He wasn’t being brainwashed. Nothing was on his eyes. He was lying in his bed. His brother’s concerned face was above him. He waved his hand in front of his eyes and Ward blinked a few times.

“You’re back. Sorry about the cuffs. It was a precaution. You attacked a bunch of people last night.”

Ward didn’t say anything he took some quick breaths. He hadn’t remembered attacking anyone. He looked at his left hand. It was handcuffed to the bedpost. But he did remember something else. A memory that had been buried even deeper than that damn well.

He took a deep breath. 

“I think John Garrett brainwashed me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I was going to retcon everything. The writers can retcon so can I.


	15. There's Someone in my Head, but it's not Me

Thomas looked over his brother with concern. “What?”

“I had a dream about a door. When I opened it, I saw me on the other side. I was a teenager and I had those things on my eyes. John Garrett was there. I don't remember much. I don’t know if it’s a dream.”

“We should found out. Let me get Wanda. And someone to let you out of these cuffs.”

“Wait—Thomas.” Thomas stopped halfway to the door. “I didn’t hurt anyone?”

“You broke one person's arm, and you iced, like, everyone, but no one is dead.”

Ward was relieved to hear it. He already killed too many people; he didn’t want to add to the list. 

After Thomas left, he looked at his cuffed hand. He could easily get out of them. That’s why Coulson put cuffed in the front with normal handcuffs. He would be able to easily escape from the truck. Christian’s bodyguards had been a piece of cake to knock out. By the time they awoke, the house was already on fire and they assume their boss went with it. 

He put his head down because he felt light headed.

It all made sense to him now. Why he obeyed Garrett so easily. He always followed Garrett because he thought he was his savior who he would do anything for. There were so many times Ward thought about betraying him. He only did it once for Maria Hill and later regretted his decision. He spent two years trying to make it up to Garrett. He felt so ashamed about his actions; he didn’t question Garrett again until after the betrayal. He thought about turning him in again, after he got Skye shot, but yet he couldn't. He didn't know why. 

Wanda came back with Thomas.

“This changes many things,” she said as she unlocked Ward from the bed. He rubbed his wrist to get the feeling back. 

“It doesn’t, but I want to know what he did to me. It was locked tight— But Kara was in my dream. It was like she was trying help me unlock it.”

“Kara?” Thomas asked.“The dead girl?”

“Listen,” Wanda said, ignoring what Ward said. “Fury wants me to look in your head to see if more booby-traps—I can look at those memories if you trust me.”

Ward didn't respond. His brother put his hand on his shoulder. 

“I know you don’t like people to know. I know you don’t like to feel vulnerable. Grant, I promise, no one here will take advantage of you. We are not your brother or Garrett.”

Ward didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to admit to anyone how he felt. More things made sense. He did whatever Garrett asked and it all felt normal and natural. 

Wanda touched the side of his face. “I’ll look for you. Can you trust me that I tell the truth?”

“Are you sure. I think there may be a lot of bad shit inside.”

“My brother—he would want me to do it. When I was with Hydra, I gave people I care about now bad memories. I got many people hurt for my negligence; maybe even killed. Let me help you make amends.”

He gave the slightest nod, but he was terrified. He realize that Christian, Garrett, Whitehall had always been in his head. He spend a lifetime being controlled by other people. While, he worried about allowing another person inside, he wanted to be free of being controlled. He wanted to be himself, not what Christian, Garrett or Whitehall made him. Not what Coulson wanted to make him by emptying his head. 

“Sit.”

Ward sat on the bed. She stood over him and waved her hands around Ward’s head. A pink mist came from her hands. 

“Whitehall put several targets in your head. I already diffused Fury. I see no others than then ones you already mentioned. You won’t hurt them. Don’t fight me, Grant.”

“I don’t want too.”

“Then let me into the memory you saw in the dream. Close your eyes, think about it, and let me in.”

Ward closed his eyes. Wanda caressed his cheek and closed her eyes. Then she started to cry. “Please—I’m sorry,” she said her voice shaky and fearful. Even though it was her own voice, it wasn’t her words. As she said them, he knew they were his, but he never remembered saying them. “I didn’t mean to run off. Please just let me go home.”  
She didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Ward didn’t open his eyes. He knew she was in his head. It felt uncomfortable but it wasn’t like the Berserker staff. He saw nothing. “John, come on, this is silly. It’s just a dog.” The voice was less shaky. “John, why—“ Then her voice trailed off. 

A moment later her head abruptly snapped up. 

“Wanda?” Thomas said.

Wanda yelled loudly and threw her hands in the air. The window and the glass from the light fixture exploded, shattering the room with glass. Thomas went to the bed and pulled Grant away from the fixture. Ward opened his eyes and backed up on the bed with him. The fire alarm and a flashing strobe lights went off. 

Wanda put her arms down. Her expression was blank and she didn’t say anything. 

A moment later the door blew open and Sam Wilson stood in the doorway with guards behind him.

“What the hell is going on?” he asked.

Ward put up his hands. “I didn’t do it.”

“Everything is fine, Sam,” Wanda finally said as the light fixture fell off the ceiling. “I think Grant needs new room.”

“That bad?” Ward asked.

“Bad shit. That is an understatement. I think we need to talk to Dr. Garner about this.”

 

“I talk. You all listen,” Wanda said. They were back in Garner’s office. “Grant say it is okay if you all hear what I saw. You must all promise to never use this information to hurt him. If you do, you will answer to me. That includes you, Agent Mackenzie. Grant is letting you stay here as a courtesy to Fitz.”

“I would never make fun of another man’s pain,” he said. “That's a promise.”

Fitz and Mack sat near the door while Thomas sat next to Ward. Garner sat in his normal chair and Wanda sat in front of Ward but faced all of them.

“He brainwashed you four times.”

Ward looked dumbfounded. “Four times? Why?”

“You a big pain in the ass that's why.”

“What?”

“The first time happened when you were a teenager. Garrett realizes how smart you are but you don't listen and you learn to be crafty. When Garrett takes you to a town for a haircut and dinner to reward you for good behavior, you pretend to be his friend. You try to run to the police. He realizes that getting you to obey was going to be harder than he realized.”

“How come I didn’t remember any of this? I remembered Whitehall easily.”

“You not scared of Whitehall. Garrett, he locked those memories deep inside. Not just his, but others too. Very hard for you to admit you’re scared. You only do it for girl. You had hoped she would understand.”

“For Skye—I told Skye I didn’t fight back against Christian because I was scared.”

Wanda took his hand. “You were a little boy, it is okay.”

“But I was a teenager and I wasn’t afraid of John Garrett.”

“Not in the beginning, but he made you afraid, eventually and you were afraid alone in woods.”

“Woods?” Fitz asked.

“Do they not know?” Wanda asked.

Ward didn’t say anything, but he shook his head. It took him a moment to talk. “I tried to kill Christian when I was 15 but almost killed Thomas instead. In juvie, Garrett recruited me to join SHIELD. Instead he took me to the middle of nowhere and left me there alone for five years. My only companion was a dog-- Buddy.”

“What? How come you didn’t tell us?”

Ward didn’t respond. He looked down intently. Honestly, he didn’t tell them because he didn't think it mattered. 

“Second time, he thinks he has complete control but then you don’t kill dog. He gets frustrated. You obey, unless it’s a hard thing to do. Then even trigger word doesn’t work.”

“Weakness,” he said, in a low voice. “Goddamn. It was the word weakness.”

“Whitehall like comply but it’s not necessary.”

“Why didn’t Garrett make you obey Hydra?” Fitz suddenly asked. 

“I know—“ Wanda said. “Would you like to tell?”

“Garrett had no loyalty to Hydra or SHIELD,” Ward explained. “He was living on borrowed time. He promised super soldiers to the US military, first through SHIELD, through Hydra, then through Ian Quinn, but really it was all to save himself. That’s all he cared about. He wasn’t a true believer in Hydra, so I wasn’t either but Garrett needed someone to follow his orders. Project Centipede was originally a SHIELD project buried under some paperwork.”

“What?” Fitz said.

“Don’t you understand yet, Fitz? There was no SHIELD or Hydra. It was the same organization. We were all trained the same exact way— And we still fall back on that same training. Bobbi gave Kara some bullshit about this was what she signed up for. We didn’t sign up to have other people sacrifice us.”

“But we have to be willing,” Mack argued. “We sign up knowing we could die for SHIELD.”

“Not SHIELD,” Ward said. “We don’t give our lives for the organization. We give our lives for the people we are supposed to protect.”

“Not you,” Fitz said, a little bit annoyed.

“Wait little one,” Wanda said. She smiled at Fitz to break the tension. “There is more that I have not said.”

Fitz didn’t say anything, neither did Ward.

“We are okay to continue?” She looked at Ward and then at Garner.

“Yes,” he said.

Wanda smiled. “Third time, after you undercover. Sixteen months of no Garrett, you become freer from his influence. Garrett getting more frustrated with you. He doesn’t understand why he can’t fully control you.”

Wanda paused. There was a water bottle nearby so she took a sip. She stood up and walked over to Ward.

“Fourth time. Grandma’s death. Grandma never believed what parents say. She tells you she loves you. When she dies, you confess to Maria Hill what you know about Hydra. You are still loyal to Garrett, but you do not like Hydra.” 

Wanda’s face fell. Ward took a deep breath. He knew something bad had happened to him after Wanda destroyed his room. “Garrett found out you told Hill.”

“What—how?”

“You start acting suspicious. He suspects. When he asks you, you admit it. Garrett realizes he can’t control you forever. Despite how easy it is to brainwash you, you don’t stayed under his full control,” She looked at Fitz. “A few more months with his team, he might have broken his programing again. Garrett knew this.” 

“Please,” Ward said. “What happens the last time?” Although he wasn’t sure he actually wanted to hear it. He had always seen Garrett as his savior. Instead Garrett had been just as bad a Christian. Christian scared him into hurting Thomas, Garrett twisted him to make him into a killer. 

“Last time, Garrett is angry. He actual like you before and considers you like son but he is narcissist and he loves himself first. Now you jeopardize his future. You are no longer that important to him.” She touched his shoulder and Ward doesn’t like what he sees in her eyes. He almost tells her to stop but doesn’t. “Before he brainwashes you, there is horrific torture. Does not leave a single mark on you. It is all done with drugs that cause horrific pain and horrible hallucinations. The fear is too much for you. You finally comply longer because if you don’t, the fear will come back.”

She paused and took a sip of water. “Even then you hesitant. You tell him when you go uncover with team, you don’t want to hurt anyone. You resist killing SHIELD agents, you don’t want to kill your friends,” she said, looking over at Fitz. His eyes widened. “You want to know for sure, don’t you? He knows if he doesn’t get you off plane, Garrett will kill you.”

“So that's all I am,” Ward said. “Garrett’s puppet.”

Wanda turned around and smiled. She touched Ward gently on the cheek. Another person touching him that wasn’t Skye or Kara felt weird but it passed as he looked into Wanda’s hopeful eyes. 

“When you were a little boy, brother and parents broke your spirit. When Garrett finds broken you, he twists your mind. But this,” she said, touching his chest gently. “This not broken— The reason Garrett cannot completely brainwash you is that he cannot destroy your compassion. You were born feeling too strong. Some call it being empathic. There is something special in you; it is in your brother too. It’s so strong that you have to shut it down or it will consume you. You absorb too much of the feelings around you including other people’s pain and anger. Like the girl you love.”

“Skye?”

“No. The other one.”

Ward choked back tears. “Are you saying I really loved Kara? I thought Whitehall forced us together. I thought I was made to love her.”

Wanda shook her head. “You were born with compassion that no matter what brother, Garrett, or Whitehall do, cannot destroy it. That is why you cannot completely comply. They never can make you completely comply. They cannot make you not love. But with Kara and with Skye—You were too broken to make it right.”

Ward covered his mouth to keep tears from flooding out. He can’t do it here. There were too many people around.

“You,” Wanda said to Fitz. “Why you not notice something wrong with him?”

“I—um—I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay,” Ward said, moving the hands away from his month. “As far as he knew I was Hydra. And I hurt him badly. Before he was only one to try to reach out to me.” He looked at Fitz. “Fitz—I don’t know what to say. I know sorry just doesn't seem to cut it but I don’t know how to fix it.”

“It’s just,” Fitz said with tears in his eyes. “You didn’t seem to try.”

“He did not understand—“

“Wanda, no. This one’s on me,” Ward said. “Imagine waking up from a dream except everything you did in the dream actually happened. In the vault, I realized that I had murdered people—Good people for Garrett and I didn’t know why. When the guilt came, I tried to kill myself. When I woke up after my third attempt, I figured I was just an evil person. Evil people don’t apologize or make amends. So I wasn’t going to do it.”

“And we didn’t let you,” Fitz said lowly.

“I don’t know how to fix this. I’m sorry Fitz, I really am. I just don’t know what to do to make it right.”

“Grant—“ this was the first time Garner spoke. “Why do you feel the need to fix it?”

“I broke it, didn’t I? Isn’t that what you said, Fitz. We were a family and I destroyed it.”

“I didn’t know at the time,” Fitz said. “I didn’t know what Whitehall or Garrett had done to you. Ward--” Fitz paused and took a deep breath. “I need time to think. I don’t know if can forgive things. I know not everything was your fault, but still I got hurt. I was in hell because of you,” Fitz paused. Ward worried what he might say next. “But I do understand.”

Ward choked back more tears. He put his head down.

“Just one more thing,” Fitz said.

“What?” he said bringing his head up.

“Don’t give up.”


	16. No Forgiving

“How are you doing?” Garner asked. His tone was lighter.

“I feel like I can sleep for a week.” That was true. The events of the past few weeks had a heavy toll on him. He started sleeping more. He used to get by with only a few hours a night but in the last day or so, he had been sleeping nine hours or more. He never in his life felt this tired. 

“Besides that. Do you want to talk about what Garrett did to you?”

“I don’t remember most of it. I only saw a glimpse.” And after what Wanda said. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see more.

“That’s okay. His isolating you in the woods was pretty bad onto itself. There are camps like that all over the place. They are supposed to help trouble teens, but some of them instead abuse them.”

Ward wished he was a camp with other people.

He looked at Garner. “What happens if I do—Wanda said the last time was bad.” 

“You’ll get through it.”

“Alone? You all can’t stay with me forever.”

“You’re not alone, you know that. No matter where you go, you have people who support you. Hill wants me to stay another month and I think I will. You can stay here for a while and sort out what you want to do.”

“Should I turn myself in?” he asked. “Turn myself over to Talbot?”

“That’s not happening. No court in the world is going to understand this case and your brother Christian kind of just wants you to disappear.”

“So what can I do to make up for what I’ve done?”

“What are you redeeming yourself for? You were the victim. Garrett brainwashing you changes everything.”

“Wanda was trying to be kind to me about my compassion and empathy. It isn’t completely true. Hard decisions I resisted but not the easy ones. Once I killed Victoria Hand, it got easier and easier. It was only a matter of time before I could kill the people closest to me. Garrett didn’t need to even use a trigger word for me to kill Eric Koenig. I did that on my own. Natasha Romanoff owes up to what she’s done. I don’t see why I should get off the hook. I still kill those people, Dr. Garner.”

“Okay. But you understand now that your brother, Garrett, and Whitehall abused you. You atone for you not for them. Not ever.”

“Okay—“ he paused. “I don’t even know how to start.”

“Apologizing to Fitz was a start. Maybe you want to try the rest of your team.”

“No.”

“You don’t want to apologize to them?” Garner asked, confused. “I thought you wanted understanding? What changed?”

“I wanted understanding of why I became a killer but now I know Garrett brainwashed me. I needed their help not their scorn. I tried to end my life for what I did, and Skye, the woman I loved, the person who helped break through my programming wished that I succeeded. At the time I blamed myself for her anger but she was wrong. No, Dr. Garner, except for Fitz, I do not want or need my team’s understanding anymore. They had their chance.”

 

“Wait, did I hear you correctly. Did you say four times?” Coulson asked. Concern crossed his face.

Fitz actually looked annoyed at being questioned like he was an idiot. When he got back from the Avengers base, he spoke to Coulson about having a meeting in the conference room with the senior agents.

“Maybe he made it up?” Skye said, but her voice wasn’t as cocky as it was when they were in Puerto Rico.

Fitz shook his head. “Dr. Garner and Wanda Maximoff confirmed it. And she can see into people’s minds.”

No one said anything for a long time. Fitz looked over everyone seated at the table and then focused on Simmons, even though his message was for his original team. 

“Why were you all so gungho not to believe me?” He asked. 

“What?” Simmons replied, looking confused.

“After we found out Ward was Hydra, we did you all try to convince me that he hadn’t been brainwashed. Why were you so sure?”

“He told me he wasn’t brainwashed,” Skye said.

“How would he know?” he snapped. “You really think someone who is brainwashed knows they are?”

Skye didn’t say anything. She looked shocked that Fitz yelled at her.

“He was our friend—“ Fitz continued. “Our family. Why didn’t we give him the reason of the doubt? Like we did with Mike Peterson and Akela Amador? Don’t you remember that she tried to kill all three of us? Yet we tried to save her.”

“But Ward almost succeeded,” Simmons retorted. “I cannot forgive him for that.”

“I have.” Fitz said, taking a deep breath. “I have because I understand.”

“Understand what?” she asked.

“Having your mind so messed up, you can’t communicate. Not the way you want too. Not the way you can explain.”

“Is that why you thought Ward didn’t tell us?” Simmons asked.

“I wasn’t talking about him. I was talking about me.”

“You were his victim, Fitz,” she explained. “Ward is a monster. I’m sorry he was brainwashed, but he did awful things.”

“Are you even listening to yourself? You keep telling yourself he’s monster, so you can keep pretending you don’t feel guilty about trying to kill him.”

“Wait? What?” Coulson asked. He looked at Simmons. “What is he talking about?” 

“Jemma didn’t tell you, did she? While on the mission to take out that Hydra outpost, she tried to kill Ward and ended up killing Bahski.”

“Simmons?” Coulson said. The concern in his voice grew. “Is this true?”

“He had to be stopped, sir,” she said. She looked a little teary eyed. Fitz didn’t like upsetting her but he didn’t like what Simmons was becoming and now he regretted not saying anything. He should have said something when she packed those weapons. He just hadn’t yet been able to look beyond his own injuries to see she was going into a dark place. 

“Not on a mission he doesn’t,” May added. “You could have put everyone in jeopardy.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said, suddenly. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“I don’t think any of you were thinking,” Coulson was surprised to see it was Hunter speaking. “Mack and I beat up Ward because of what he did to Bobbi. We wouldn’t have touched him if we knew he was brainwashed. Brainwashed people can’t completely control their actions. When we joined, you all called him the monster in the basement. I believed all the terrible things he’s done. I believed he was a psychopath because everyone said he was. But wasn’t he your mate before?”

“He was never our friend,” May said. Her tone had no emotion. “He used us.”

“May,” Fitz said. “He was ordered to do so. He didn’t have a choice.”

“Of course he had a choice.”

“No, he didn’t,” Mack said. “Do you think that I had a choice when I got taken over.”

“That’s different,” she retorted.

“No, it’s not,” Mack said. “You can’t control your actions, Agent May. I couldn’t. Do you think I wanted to hurt my fellow SHIELD agents?”

“That was an alien device.”

“No, he’s right,” Bobbi said. She had been silent for the whole conversation. “Kara came back wrong. Ward did too. And they didn’t have too. As SHIELD, we should have helped them, been compassionate to them. The way I should have been with Kara.”

“She tried to kill you,” Lance said.

“Yes—but I blamed her for what I did. She was my victim and I made her think she did it to herself.” She paused again. “I blamed her for not being stronger. I blamed her for not acting like a SHIELD agent and just take being tortured.”

“She was a SHIELD agent to the bitter end,” Fitz explained. “Ward said Whitehall took a long time to break her.”

Morse didn’t respond. 

“This is the thing,” Mack said. “Blaming Hydra is easy to do. Using Ward as a scapegoat was easy to do. Facing up to our mistakes, that’s not easy. Hydra ultimately destroyed SHIELD because they were SHIELD. We lost our way. We destroyed ourselves by being too secretive.”

“So what do we do now?” Skye asked.

“We learn what Hydra stole from us,” Fitz said. “What Garrett did his best to steal from Ward. Compassion. We have to save one man from himself.”


	17. Comings and Goings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but I promise next chapter will be a bit of a whooper.

“You going to be all right?” Thomas asked his brother. Thomas was getting ready to board a quinjet to head back home.

Ward shrugged his shoulders. He wasn’t all right and doubted he ever would be, but for the first time in his life, he felt hope for himself. “Dr. Garner will be here for few more weeks. We’re going to work on a plan of action but it involves me doing the work.”

“Remember what Wanda said, about your compassion. Hold on to that. Let it be your guide.”

“I’ll just think about Kara. I think she would want me to be happy.”

“I wish I met her.”

“I wish I met her before Whitehall got to her. I should have been the one that died. Not her. She was an innocent.”

“You were once also, and you can’t change the past.”

Ward nodded. He felt better. When he looked in the mirror he noticed color had returned to his checks and his face was softer like a large burden had been lifted. He could almost look in the mirror without hating the man in the reflection. 

“It wasn’t all bad with Kara, right?”

Ward shook his head. “Sometimes but we had fun. She loved cacti, hiking, Mexican food, and Alicia Keys. I thought I was happy with her, but I don’t know if was actually happiness or the brainwashing. I would love to be happy and just be me.”

“You’ll get there. You’re free of Garrett, Whitehall, and Christian. They can’t ever hurt you again.”

“I know—but I’m not quite there yet,” he admitted. He looked down. “I’ve been someone’s puppet for so long. I don’t know how to live off the strings.”

Thomas touched his brother’s shoulder and Grant looked up. “One day at a time, and being scared is nothing to be ashamed off. As long as it doesn’t let you control you.”

Thomas hugged his brother tightly. He felt awkward being touched in a situation where he was himself for a change.

“Remember I’m only a phone call away or we can Skype,” he said when he pulled back. He turned around and went into the quinjet.

Ward took a few steps back and watched it take off.

“You okay without brother?” said a voice behind him.

“I think so.” He wasn’t really, but it meant a lot that Thomas forgave him. He turned around and looked over Wanda.

“Listen when he says to call him. I’d do anything to talk to brother again.”

“Your brother was very brave, Wanda. He died a hero.”

“He stupid. All men stupid.”

Ward smiled a little bit. It was the first time in a long time that he smiled being himself.

“I miss him so much. It makes me feel a little better seeing you with brother again. Keep family and friends close.”

“I need a favor,” he said.

Wanda didn’t reply right away. “If you do it, it may undo everything.”

“Because I want vengeance?”

“My vengeance against Stark put me on bad path.”

“It’s not vengeance that I really want. It’s justice, for Kara.”

“If you are going to do this, I will come.”

“Yes, I could use your help. But first I need to do something alone.”

 

Only twenty minutes after Ward left, another Quinjet landed. Wanda waited by the gate for them. The door open and Fitz came out followed by the woman Wanda knew as Jemma Simmons. The rest of Grant’s former team followed. She knew all of their names although she had only met Fitz.

“You are too little, too late,” she said when they got to her. 

“What?” Fitz said.

“He’s gone.”

“Gone where?” another man said. Wanda knew he was Coulson. He was older with black hair and a receding hairline. 

“To see girl.”

“Which girl?” he asked.

“The dead one. She’s buried in California.”

“I don’t understand. He’s not—um— He could be dangerous,“ Coulson said. “I’m not being mean when I say it but he needs to be in a safer environment for himself as well as others.”

“I know, so does he but he needs closure with girl.”

“Did Andrew say it was okay?” May asked.

“Sometimes you have to do something without approval.”

“Like stealing a quinjet?” she retorted.

“No, steal. Borrow. He’ll come back.”

“And you just let him go. He could be anywhere,” Coulson said. 

“He is on a heading to California. He’s wearing a tracker that cannot be removed.”

“Ward can get out of these things,” a pretty woman said. Wanda knew this was Skye.

Wanda smiled. “There is also tracker he not know about. We’re not that stupid.”


	18. Truths

His arms were filled with flowers. He bought as much as he could carry. 

Her parents had gotten her a simple headstone that listed her name, age, and the words ‘Beloved Daughter’. She had only been 30 when she died. He placed the flowers around her grave until it was covered. 

He killed her.

It didn’t matter how much Whitehall, Christian, and Garrett had done to him. Ultimately she was dead because of him. Garner called his actions after he escaped from the vault a type of temporary psychosis brought on by coming out of the brainwashing without the help he needed. The solitary confinement and being shot hadn't helped. But he didn’t believe it. He wasn’t acting crazy like Garrett. He was acting the part he thought he was, the murderer. Ultimately that person convinced Kara she needed vengeance, rather than telling her to let go of her hatred. 

He sat on the ground among the flowers. He inhaled their perfume. She used to wear one that smelled like cherry blossoms.

He grabbed a random flower. A daisy and twirled it around. He thought of the weird dream he had of picket fences, puppies and her with Skye’s hair.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, touching the dirt and grass. He grabbed a few handfuls and let it fall from his fingers and dirtying up his taped knuckles. He took responsibility for her death. Why couldn’t the other monsters take responsibility for what they did to him? 

He moved to lay on top of her grave, with the right side of his head against the dirt. He tried not to think of her rotting inside. He wanted to remember the times in Mexico where everything seemed normal. 

The dirt felt cold. He remembered the first night he was alone when Garrett had left him. Buddy tried to keep him warm and he put on a bunch of layers, but it wasn’t enough. He shivered like his veins were full of ice. He was sure he would freeze to death. Garrett eventually made him forget the hunger, the long miles he had walked in hoping for escape, the freezing cold winter nights, the poison berries he ate and the vomiting that followed. 

He did what he couldn’t do in front of people. Something he could only do alone, he wept. He wept because he couldn't control fate and circumstances. He wept over his decisions. He wept for all the bad things he had done and of all the people he had killed. The pain and the hurt from what he had done hit him full force and the guilt overwhelmed him. He saw all the faces of the people he killed, for SHIELD, for Garrett, for Hydra. The empathy that Wanda said was so strong he shut it down overcame him. He felt lightheaded and dizzy. Sobs racked his body so hard, he felt sick and he clutched his knees to steady himself. He hoped no one was around to see him curled up in a fetal position and vulnerable. 

He wept because both he and Kara came back wrong and could have been something stronger but their pain rubbed off on each other. 

His idea of closure was something he wanted and in his addled mind, he pushed it on to her. He thought it would make her happy. 

When he was a kid and Christian was torturing him, no one ever believed him. Not for one moment that Christian forced him to do it. Not his parents, his sister, Thomas, or the psychiatrist. They all called him dangerous and after a while he believed them. In the vault he believed the same thing. His team didn’t believe him and thought he was worthless. After a while he thought they were right. 

“Ward?” he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Ward jumped fast and backed up against Kara’s headstone.

It had been Fitz who touched his shoulder. He was close and looked him over with concern.

The rest of his team stood not far from Fitz. Simmons, May, Coulson and Skye stood around the grave in a semi-circle. Simmons and Skye actually looked disturbed, but Coulson and May kept their poker face. Fitz was the only one who looked concerned.

“How much did you see?” He wiped his eyes as much as he could. He didn’t want them seeing him like this. He didn’t want them to see his pain and use it against him. 

“Enough,” he said and didn’t elaborate. 

“Why are you here?” 

“We want to—We want to understand what happened?”

Ward stood up. He rubbed the dirt and flowers off his clothes.

“It’s too late,” he said, but he wasn’t looking at Fitz but his other former teammates. “You had your chance. You had your chance to reach out to me but all I got was scorn. I didn’t want you to forgive me, not at first. I wanted you to understand.”

“Ward, we’re here now,” Fitz said.

“I needed you then,” he snapped, still looking at his team rather than Fitz. “I needed someone to help understand what I’ve done because I didn’t know myself. I certainly didn’t need to be told I should be dead. Monsters have feelings too.”

“It’s just that—“ Simmons said. “We were so angry.”

Ward focused on Simmons now. “So angry that you tried to kill me on a mission? Good guys don’t kill perceived threats. Hydra did that. Remember Project Insight? All those people that Hydra wanted dead because of their potential threat. Don’t you understand what you’ve become? You’re Hydra, all of you. You’re the monsters. You’re supposed to be the good guys, but you lack compassion.” 

“And you have it, I supposed,” May said, coldly. 

“Yes, I do. Because I was—am going through hell. My brainwashing was telling me to obey Garrett, to obey Whitehall, but compassion kept me from going too far. My compassion kept me from killing you all. Especially you May.”

May didn’t respond but Ward wasn’t done with her. His anger for her grew but he held it back. Not for her sake but for Dr. Garner who had helped him. He wanted to scream at her for lack of compassion towards Kara. 

“May, you said we all had trauma. I’m sorry about yours, but you aren’t the only one with permission to suffer from it. My trauma is still happening— And no one wanted to listen. You all thought I was blaming them. I wasn’t. Don’t you understand the difference? I wasn’t asking or looking for sympathy, I just wanted to explain why I did it. I didn’t magically wake up a killer.”

“Ward—“ Skye started talking but he didn’t let her say anything more. 

“And I’m not a psychopath. No matter what any of you say, you can’t make me one. I love Kara, I loved Skye, I love my brother Thomas, I even at one time loved John Garrett. I’m capable of remorse and empathy. In fact Wanda says I have so much I have to turn it off. Don’t you dare take my feelings away from me.”

“Ward—“ Skye tried again. “Look about shooting you, I was angry. I guess I’m sorry—“

“I don’t know if it's enough Skye. I am sorry for what I did to all of you. If that's what you want to hear. I’m sorry I betrayed your trust, but sorry doesn’t seem to cut with any of you, does it? Skye, I didn’t want to hear from you that my family didn’t abuse me. You don’t know me at all. I won’t let you gaslight me. That’s what Garrett and Christian did to me. They made me think my abuse wasn’t real. I fucking thanked Garrett for kidnapping me.”

Skye said, nothing. She stood there with her eyes wide. He didn’t know what she was thinking and for the first time, he didn’t care. 

“What do you want?” Coulson finally asked.

“I take full responsibility for my actions. I killed all those people and I killed Kara Palamas and I will live with that for the rest of my life. I lied to all of you but you were supposed to be my family. Fitz even said it. How could you turn your back on me so quickly? How can you cut me off with even asking why or even wonder for a moment Garrett had done something bad to me? Skye, I told you I would never lie to you. All you had to do was ask the right questions.”

“Why did you do it?” she asked. Her voice wasn’t angry, but she didn’t sound happy either. 

“Because deep down I’m terrified. I complied out of fear not reward. I was scared of Christian and scared of being alone in the woods. I was so afraid to disobey Garrett because I was terrified of him. So if you want to laugh at me for being a coward, go right away. It’s what Hydra would do.”

No one said anything or laughed. Ward kicked the flowers hard. Some of them flew in the air.

“You didn’t ask my question,” Coulson said. “Ward, what do you want?”

“I want closure—I mean justice against Daniel Whitehall.”

Coulson almost looked relieved. “We can help you with that. What do you need?”

“Not for me,” he said, his voice filled with anger. “For her,” he pointed to Kara’s grave. “Abandoning me, fine, but you abandoned her. She was a SHIELD agent, Coulson, one of your people, and you left her behind. Whitehall had to shatter everything about her because she was SHIELD to the bitter end. You left her out there. We’re not supposed to leave a man behind, but you did. I was the only one to reach out to her. Don’t you understand how fucked up that is? That me, the bad guy, was the only one to reach out to her, but I couldn’t help her. I have a chance at redemption. I have a chance to be fixed because I’m alive. But she never will. I shot her, but we are all responsible for killing her especially Daniel Whitehall. He is still out there. I need your help because I don’t know if I can kill him, but one of you can.”

“Wait,” Skye asked, confused. “You can’t kill Whitehall? Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to kill again.”

“Ward,” Fitz said, “This one is okay. He tortured you and Kara.”

“I’m not killing again,” he said. “Not a good person or a bad. I’ve killed enough people already. This is me; this is who I am. I’m not a killer anymore. Dr. Garner, Wanda, Thomas. They all said if I wanted too, I could stop. I’m saying stop.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think hands down this is my favorite chapter. I enjoyed writing it because I felt it got out my frustrations with the writers for making an abuse victim a villain, having the heroes turn on him and treat him no differently than Garrett and Christian had.


	19. Enemies speak the Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for take so long to post a chapter. I'm completely stuck on how to end this story. So it might be a while before the next chapter.

He hadn’t imagined the little girl. She had been in the room at one time. The room was large and had several beds. It looked like a hospital wing built into a hotel, but right now he was the only one occupying a bed.

Since he was kept drugged, he slept a lot. Occasionally he opened his eyes and be vaguely aware of his surroundings. Before he was fully awake, 33 usually came back to sedate him again. Twice daily, a nurse came in and checked his vitals, his fluids, made sure he was getting enough oxygen, and made sure the surgical site wasn’t infected. She gave him antibiotics and painkillers and then 33 would sedate him. Even with the sedation, he was kept in restraints.

He smelled the ocean. Salty air filled the room. The smell made him think of home. A quell of terror filled him because he remembered Christian punching him in the gut so hard he vomited. Telling him more would come if he didn’t throw Thomas into the well. Christian knew how to hurt him without it showing. 

The girl was about 7 and was skipping across the room. She didn’t acknowledge him, which in his addled mind, he found amusing. How could she not notice the half conscious man in hospital scrubs and the soft beep of a heart monitor?

“Hey!” she suddenly said. She rushed over to his bed. “You’re awake.”

He was barely, but his eyes were open. He opened his mouth but words wouldn’t come out.

He moved his hands to make a little wave but it was hard with the restraints.

“You’re always sleeping.”

He couldn’t reply. He could only just stare at her like a drooling idiot.

“Mom says to not come in here, that you’re sick but you’re asleep all the time and this is the biggest room in the house.”

Even if he could speak, the girl couldn’t help him. She was too young to understand that he was being kept here against his will. Soon Whitehall would come and make him comply. He would become like 33, himself, yet vacant.

“Why don’t you talk?

He couldn’t explain why. Instead he held up his hands. He tried opening his mouth again. Words did come out but it was a whisper. He asked for help, but the girl didn’t hear him. Before he could speak louder, a voice interrupted.

“Danielle!” said a stern female voice that he recognized. “You better not be in there, young lady.”

“Uh oh,” Danielle said. She moved away from his bed and to the door as it opened. Ward only saw a glimpse of her mother, but that was all he needed.

“Elsie.”

“Who?” Wanda asked.

“Elsie Carson,” Ward said, getting up from the couch. “She was my assistant. I never figured out why but didn’t care. Why would a well-organized, well-connected wealthy woman be willing to work with someone who seemed clinically insane. Whitehall sent her to check on me.”

“Did we pick her up in the raid?” Skye asked. They were in Garner’s borrowed office. Garner and Wanda had tried to help Ward remember where Whitehall kept him. Skye and Coulson were in the room collecting the intel. 

“We nabbed about 11 people,” Coulson said, “We handed them to Talbot. “Some of them were clean and he had to let them go. Three were wanted for robberies. None of them were women.”

“I don’t know why Elsie was there,” Ward said. “That was the only time I saw her. But its possible Whitehall has her daughter.”

Skye tapped into her computer. “Elsie’s on the grid, but I can’t find an address. Wealthy people have a way of hiding things but I’ll find her.”

“Try Devlin. It’s her maiden name.”

“Okay.”

Ward realized the room was awkward. They didn’t talk about the past or what happened in the cemetery but he could tell everyone was on edge. He was too. The worst part was trying to figure out what in his past was real.

Garner called it gaslighting. He said between the brainwashing and the emotional manipulation from Christian, Garrett, and Whitehall, he doubted his own memories. However the most important part his abused was real. No one would ever doubt him on that again. Everything now was his own responsibility. He felt relieved. Garner told him he still had a long way to go but for the first time in his life, he felt himself.

“I found a Ms. Danielle Devlin, age 11, enrolled in a very prestigious school and they have a home address for her.”

 

The smell. It hit his nostrils as soon as he got out of the car. It had been colder than while he recovered, but still the salty smell remained.

He remembered Christian’s hands over his mouth so he wouldn’t scream. Christian looking over him so angry, that Ward feared for his life. Then he dragged to the well and without fanfare dropped him in. He felt the free fall into icy cold water. He started screaming and crying for help but all he saw was darkness. He told Christian he would do anything if he pulled him up. 

“Next time you don’t listen,” he told him afterwards while he shivered. “I will drown you. You will be dead.”

“Ward?” Apparently he had stood there for a long time without moving. The house was large not unlike the house he grew up in. He still had two memories about it. In the first one, his mother begged for her life and in the other where she threw a wine bottle at him for destroying their family.

It was Fitz who called after him. Fitz was the only forgiveness Ward wanted. He had taken the first step when he realized something was wrong. The others hadn’t. 

“I’m ready to knock this place down,” Skye said. She had anger in her voice but Ward didn’t know whom she was angry at. 

“No,” Wanda said. “Remember little girl might also be here.”

“I think we can go in quietly,” Coulson said, his voice calm. He was interrupted by an alarm going off. “Or noisily.”

Skye knocked over the fence. They were greeted by a rather small amount of Hydra guards. It didn’t take long for May, Wanda, and Skye to take them out.

“I don’t think he’s here,” Ward said.

“Why, you got a psychic link now?” May asked.

“No,” he said, “This is a pathetic showing.” They made it to the door. No one opened it up directly. Instead May kicked it open and pulled to the side.

Nothing.

May went in first followed by Skye, then Ward.

Elsie Carson was waiting for them in a couch at the center of the room. 

“Hey boss,” she said, with her hands up. Everyone had their guns out but it wasn’t pointed at her. Ward didn’t have a lethal weapon. Coulson offered him one, but he took an icer. Elsie was unarmed. 

“Elsie.”

“I was surprised you found me or even remembered this place. I thought your brain was Swiss cheese.”

“Sorry to disappoint. Where is Daniel Whitehall?”

“I thought he was dead.”

“Quit playing around,” he said. “I remember that he brainwashed me. Is Danielle with him?”

“Wow,” Elsie said, impressed. “We kept you so doped up, I’m surprised you remembered her.”

“She’s stalling,” May said as she lifted up her gun. Ward pushed it down. May gave him a dirty look but Ward didn’t respond. 

“Wow, boss, soft touch now. “

“If Whitehall has your daughter, we can rescue her. You can both get new identities. And be free of him.”

Elsie smiled. “And why would I want to do that?”

“Because he’s evil,” Skye said. “And by default you are too.”

Elsie laughed. “I love SHIELD agents, so holier than thou yet so hypocritical.”

“I am not holier than thou,” Skye said, defensively. “And you’re Hydra.”

“SHIELD, Hydra, there is no difference. Except that Hydra doesn’t leave people behind and you do.”

“We don’t leave people behind,” Skye said. “That was Hydra.”

“Boss said you did.”

“Leave me out of it,” Ward said.

“Sorry, boss,” she smiled and looked at Skye. “He was very insisting, Mr. Masters. About all the time SHIELD burned their own agents. Even his mentor John Garrett—“

“John Garrett brainwashed me,” Ward interrupted. “He’s a monster. Where is Daniel Whitehall?”

Elsie ignored him. “He joined Hydra because SHIELD left him behind. Hydra didn’t. Tell me, when Hydra rose up, how many did you enemy agents did you kill?”

“Elsie, that’s enough. Tell me where Whitehall is.”

Elsie continued to ignore Ward. “He told me differently. Said his former team didn’t chase after Hydra. Wasn’t anywhere near the battles, didn’t stay behind with SHIELD while they faced the music. Instead chased after him and Garrett.”

“They were right to do it,” Ward said. “I killed SHIELD agents, we were a hydra cell—“

“A Hydra cell,” she laughed. “How funny. Daniel knew Garrett wasn’t really Hydra. How many SHIELD agents did you kill, boss? I know you told the others you murdered dozens, but Daniel told me the truth. Two plus four guards,” she looked over Skye. “Daniel knew Ward was never Hydra but SHIELD never did.”

“Shut up,” Skye said.

“One last thing and I will. How many people died in the Fridge, on those Helicarriers? The sandbox? The treehouse? The Academy? Do you know how many agents died? Over a thousand. Yet you went after a man who killed two.”

“Sorry,” Ward said, he looked down.

“It’s okay,” Fitz said. “She’s just being manipulating.”

“But she is not wrong,” Wanda moved closer to Elsie. “However, I am sorry, we still need Daniel Whitehall.”

She moved her fingers around Elsie’s head.


	20. Fight the Real Enemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the problem.
> 
> This story is pretty much finished, but I kind of lost the energy to really revise it. I'm not happy with the confrontation they are about to have with Whitehall, but I figured I'll just post the remaining chapters.

“What are you going to do with Elsie?” Ward asked Coulson, as the traveled on a quinjet. Elsie was tied up in the back, taking a little nap that Wanda enforced on her. They would drop her off at a SHIELD safe house along with two guards before heading to Whitehall. She had been remarkable stubborn and it had taken Wanda more than an hour to find the information. Even with it, they still weren’t sure if she wasn’t lying. 

May was flying and Ward sat next to Coulson. Skye, Fitz and Simmons sat on the opposite side. Wanda sat on Coulson’s other side.

“I don’t really have a crime to charge her with. I have no proof she was working with Hydra except your word. And you’re not Talbot’s favorite person. I could turn her over to Talbot like the others. Or maybe we can use Tahiti on—“

“Are you crazy,” Ward said with his voice raised. Coulson was surprised. After he laid into them at the cemetery, Ward had been keeping his emotions in check as they searched for Whitehall, so he was surprised at his outburst. “That’s cruel.”

“But she’s just going to keep committing crimes.”

“It’s possible, but it’s not right.” Coulson’s eyes widened at Ward being the moral voice. “Tahiti is no different than Whitehall brainwashing Kara—or me.”

“So what do you suggest? Sending her back so she can work with Hydra again? You and I both know she might.”

“Let her have her second chance. Tell her there will be no thirds. She has money. I’m sure she can skirt the system without aligning herself with Hydra. And I know we can keep tabs on her. Danielle needs to have a mother. And while Elsie’s not exactly moral, she loves her daughter.”

Coulson didn’t reply. The last few days had beyond weird. Two years ago Ward had been the straight-laced one with Skye telling him to challenge the system. Now Ward was the one doing it. And Skye had become a good little SHIELD agent. 

“And she wasn’t right,” Ward said, his voice was lower, “About you coming after me and Garrett. You did what you had to do to make things safe.”

“No, she wasn’t entirely wrong. SHIELD always left agents behind. I should have gone to the academy first. They needed help.”

Ward didn’t reply. Coulson felt a little uncomfortable about the conversation so he turned to Wanda who was on a tablet.

“How we doing on some back up?” he asked her.

“Give time,” she said. “We should first find out if Danielle and Whitehall are still in the same location.”

 

“Looks like a normal villa,” May said looking through binoculars at the relaxed looking island estate. “I hope this plan works and Whitehall doesn’t decide to just kill us.”

“First we need to confirm he’s in there.”

May looked around. She wanted to leave Fitz, Simmons, and Ward behind, even though she understood why the former specialist needed to come. This mission didn’t require Fitz or Simmons expertise. It was really just reconnaissance. 

Personally she didn’t think they should even bother with this scouting mission. Come in with the big muscle and if they were wrong so be it.

Wanda had told them no. If they were in the wrong, they would do minimum damage. They also knew that a child might be roaming around inside.

“A lot more guards here than the other house,” Ward remarked. 

May didn’t feel much compassion for Ward. She did believe him about the brainwashing. After she was traumatized, she didn’t act out. She stopped herself, putting herself in a place where she couldn’t harm anyone. 

She knew Andrew would give her some psychobabble about temporary psychosis for both Ward and Kara, but she just couldn’t buy it. Even though Ward didn’t realize why he killed for Garrett, he should have known what he did was wrong. You do something on purpose or by accident, you still apologize. It shouldn’t have taken him over two years to give an apology to Fitz and the apology in the cemetery wasn’t enough for the hurt May felt over his betrayal. He hurt them, why should they be the ones to apologize? 

Skye and Simmons seemed a little more sympathetic but both seemed closer to May’s point of view. It was Fitz she worried about. Even if Skye and Simmons forgave Ward, they would never trust him. May worried Fitz might get hurt again. 

Of course that all might be moot. Maybe after this mission, they will see the last of Grant Ward. They could take care of Whitehall and Ward could go off into the sunset. May actually didn’t care where he went as long as he stayed out of trouble and she never had to see him again.

The plan to find out if Whitehall and Danielle were inside was idiotic—Wanda would surrender, pretend she was interested in joining Hydra again. Once she confirmed Whitehall was here and the little girl was safe, they would go in.

May watched through her binoculars as Wanda approached the gate. 

 

“What do you want,” said a male voice on an intercom.

“I am here to see Daniel Whitehall.”

“There is no one here by that name.”

“I am Wanda Maximoff. He will want to see me.”

She didn’t wait for an answer. She figured Whitehall was watching and she used her powers to knock the fence down. 

She got about halfway up the drive, when she met a slew of soldiers wearing green and yellow uniforms. Before Wanda could take them, they all touched their ear like they were getting a message and abruptly put their guns down and holstered them at the same time. 

“Follow us,” one of them said. They were all men but a mix of races. Wanda wondered about them. Was this just a job to them? Did they have families?

She did as they asked. She walked up the driveway to a sprawling estate but she saw dozens of guards. She assumed Carson’s intel was correct that Whitehall was still here and hadn’t moved on.

After she passed through a door and a metal detector, she was greeted by an elderly butler.

“Come in,” he said. He escorted her inside while the guards stayed outside. The house inside was tastefully decorated but sterile like it was a show house that no one lived in.

The only thing that made it alive was the girl who was skipping across the room. She saw Wanda, smiled and ran over.

“Hi!” she yelled. “You’re pretty!”

“Thank you, little one.”

“Come this way,” the butler said.

Wanda held up her hand. She moved closer to the girl. She touched her head, and gave her an image to go outside. Then she followed the butler.

He took her into a large office. It had an enormous oak desk. There were several blank screens on one wall.

Daniel Whitehall stood next to the desk and watched her come inside. He didn’t look like he did in Ward’s mind. He didn’t wear a suit but instead had some kind of tactical gear with a cape and a helmet that covered the back of his head.

“Like it?” he asked, twirling around like a fashion model. “The best of SHIELD and Hydra technologies. Now my dear, please let me take look at you.”

Wanda didn’t move. She stood by the door with her arms crossed.

“You are magnificent. I would have to say von Strucker outdid himself. I am sorry about your brother. I read in the papers how he died. Such a silly way to go.”

“He died a hero.”

“He died stupidly. He could have save dozens maybe hundreds if he had lived, but he chose to save only two people.”

“A Hydra leader should not be lecturing me on morality.”

“And a servant of Hydra shouldn’t be belligerent.”

“I am no longer a servant of Hydra.”

“Then why are you here? I know you’re training with the Avengers. What do you want with a small time Hydra leader? It’s not like I’m doing the World Domination thing anymore. Legitimate business works so much better. People surrender so much easier to it when they don’t know what’s going on.”

“I am here for you. You must answer for your crimes.”

Whitehall looked around. “There are hundreds of Hydra soldiers here and you are going to take down all of them?”

“No,” she said.

“Is you’re little SHIELD team is going to do it for you?” He took a remote off his desk and hit a button. One of the screens came to life. Wanda saw Coulson and his team being led to a bunch of cells. Whitehall put the remote down and grabbed another, but didn’t turn on a screen. “I have cameras in the Cape Cod house. I see Ward remembers what I did to him. I can make him comply again. Perhaps some of the others too.”

“That complicates things, but it does not matter.” She tried to hit him hard with a bolt, but it bounced off his tactical gear.

“I made some upgrades. Wanda, you have a weakness.” He pressed a button. Wanda felt a strong surge of energy inside her and she couldn’t move. “You were made by Hydra.”


	21. The Real Enemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't happy with this chapter and I've kind of lost interest in the story, but I figured since it's finished, I might as well post the whole thing.

When Wanda woke up, she was in a cell with Coulson. He didn’t look at her grimly, and she hoped that meant Whitehall hadn’t hurt anyone. She stood up and took inventory. They were in a long hallway of narrow cells four in all, two on each side. She shared a cell with Coulson, Skye had a cell with Fitz and May. Ward and Simmons each had a separate cell. Wanda saw she had two cuffs on her wrists and she couldn’t use her powers. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, but I cannot use my powers. Is your team okay?”

“Whitehall knew exactly where we were,” he said. He looked over to Ward. “Like maybe someone told him?”

“No, it is not him. His mind is clean of all influence.”

Coulson didn’t look like he believe her, but he didn’t get a chance to say anything because Whitehall came into the room. He still wore that strange combat suit. He stopped at Ward’s cell.

“Why are you here?” he asked. 

“Because you killed Kara,” he said, angrily. “She needs justice.”

“I did no such thing. 33 was my loyal servant—“

“You made her that way,” Ward interrupted. 

Ward’s anger didn’t faze Whitehall at all. In fact the Hydra leader smiled. “I made you both that way. I had hoped my seeds of destruction would have sprouted but I guess both of you were too damage to do much destruction. 

“You’re a sick bastard.”

Whitehall ignored him. He walked over to Coulson’s cell. “I am so proud of what SHIELD has become. Red Skull would have been proud. SHIELD continues to carry on our tradition. Fear will make everyone complacent.”

“We’re free of Hydra.”

“Are you?” he asked, walking back to Ward’s cell. He opened the door. Before Ward could do anything. Whitehall started talking. “Agent Ward, come to me.”

Ward looked at him intently but he didn’t move. Whitehall looked frustrated. 

“Agent Ward, comply.”

Ward began walking to Whitehall and stood behind him with a vacant look on his face.

“Grant, no,” Wanda said. Had Coulson been right? That Ward had told Whitehall they were coming? She could have sworn she cleared his entire mind of both Whitehall’s and Garrett’s influence. 

“This one told me lots about all of you, especially you, my dear.” He said, looking at Skye. 

“Grant. Please, you can fight this,” Wanda pleaded. 

“You are mistaken, Wanda,” Whitehall said. He touched Ward’s shoulder. “This one was remarkable easy to take control of but I soon found out why. He had been under someone else’s control most of his life. Agent 33, she was a challenge. Fought me every step of the way.”

“And you drove her insane doing it, didn’t you?” Coulson said. Whitehall moved back to Coulson’s cell. Ward remained in his spot.

“I probably did but I didn’t see you trying to rescue her. Bakshi found her unconscious where you left her. Hydra came back for her, but SHIELD didn’t. In fact one of your agent Barbara Morse sold her out to move up in Hydra. How is she, by the way?”

“She’s fine.”

“Ward, I left you instruction on what to do with Morse and with Bakshi. Did you comply?”

“My apologies, sir,” Ward said. “Bakshi is dead, but Morse escaped. I did torture and hobble her a bit.”

“She’s fine now,” Coulson said. “Your attempt to kill her failed. You will fail.”

Whitehall didn’t say anything. He walked back to Ward. He touched his shoulder again. “You like leaving people behind. This one. He had a lot to say about you, about SHIELD. I must say I’m pleased.”

“Pleased with what?” 

Wanda realized Coulson was keeping Whitehall talking. The man looked smug and might keep talking about he superior he was. They needed time. 

“Ward was kind enough to share details about his life. Although some were so locked away even he didn’t remember. But he was kind enough to share a few stories about the horrific abuse he endured at the hands of his brother and his mother. How she thought it was fun to pit her children against each other until she drove her middle child to the brink. It was also pleasing to hear how was kidnapped by a sadist when he was 15, left to possibly die in the wilderness and then was brainwashed. Yet you blamed him for everything.”

Coulson didn’t respond and Whitehall continued talking. 

“I’m pleased Coulson because SHIELD is still carrying on Hydra’s good work. You forgot everything that Peggy Carter created SHIELD for. She was very big about not leaving agents behind if possible, showing compassion and understanding to enemies and saving people. She fought Stark and Carson tooth and nail about the index. Once Pierce took charge, we changed all that. Got rid of Carter and Stark. You were supposed to be the new and improved SHIELD. Yet you still left your agents behind and you still indexed enhanced people. And now like us, you operate in the shadows.”

“Are you going to monologue us to death?” May said. “Fine, we mistreated Ward because it was personal. We’re human. Why don’t you tell us your evil plans unless your plan is to bore us to death.”

Whitehall didn’t response to May, instead he went to Simmons’ cell. “Hello, Jemma. It’s good to see you.”

“Not so much to see you.”

“How could you say that? I thought we got along splendidly. I think it’s time you comply.” Simmons face went blank.

“What have you done to her?” Coulson said, his voice filled with anger. He slammed against the cell wall but the energy field pushed him back.

Whitehall didn’t respond to Coulson but a smile went across his face. He opened the door to Simmons cell. “Come along Simmons.”

Simmons anger was gone and her face went blank. She started walking over to Whitehall. She took her place next to Ward.

“Jemma!” Fitz said. “You need to fight it! You are stronger than him.”

“It’s nothing to do with strength,” Whitehall explained, moving Simmons hair out of her face. “Don’t any of you understand that? Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Compliance comes through whatever their weaknesses happened to be. 33’s pride; Ward’s belief compassion meant weakness, and Simmons guilt was how I got in. That’s how I can make anyone comply. It’s not a battle of wills; it’s the Achilles heels that every living creature has.” 

Whitehall opened Fitz’s cell.

There was a click sound and the earth rumbled. But Whitehall didn’t move. Even though Wanda knew Skye was aiming at him. 

Whitehall looked amused. “Ah, you did get your powers. Ward thought you might. But you are still a bit of a novice.”

He lifted his hand; a bolt came out of his glove and wacked Skye hard. She slammed against the wall.

“Skye!” Coulson screamed. Whitehall grabbed Fitz and yanked him out of the cell hard enough so he fell to the floor. Whitehall closed the cell. Coulson was grateful when Skye got to her feet.

“I’m okay,” she said as she waved her hands. “But he hit me with something that knocked my powers out.”

“It’s the suit,” Whitehall explained. “Best of SHIELD and Hydra technologies with a little bit of Hank Pym’s know-all. Don’t worry. By the time you get your powers back, you will have complied.”

“What do you want with him?” Coulson asked. 

Fitz stood and looked directly at Whitehall. He didn’t move from his spot even though Wanda could see he was terrified.

“I’m not afraid of you,” he said. He looked to Simmons. “Jemma, please. Snap out of it. This isn’t you.”

Whitehall smiled. “She loves you, you know. That was her guilt—my way in. She thought the best way to help you was to leave but she felt so much guilt over her decision.” he said, he took a 9mm off his suit and handed it to her. She took it without hesitation. 

“Kill him.”

“Jemma no!” Fitz screamed.

Simmons aimed the gun but in one fast move, Ward pushed Fitz away and grabbed Simmons arm, one shot went into his shoulder and the other hit the ceiling. He wrestled the gun away from Simmons and hit her in the back of the head with it. He then turned the gun to Whitehall. He didn’t go for anything vital. The arm, the legs, or the shoulder. He got lucky on the arm as Whitehall started to bleed.

“Not quite,” he said. He moved quickly, punching Ward so hard, the young man actually sailed across the room.

Before Ward could get up, Whitehall grabbed him by the collar and yanked him up. Fitz looked like he was about to stand up but Whitehall put his hand up. “Don’t.” 

“Easily to put under,” Ward said, his voice grimaced with pain. “Not easy to keep me under.”

“I thought you were a perfect shot, Agent Ward, what happened?”

“I’m not your executioner,” he said, cringing.

“Bad time for redemption, don’t you think?”

“There never is a good time.”

“Oh well,” He grabbed Ward’s shoulder with his other hand. Ward cried from being grabbed near the bullet wound, but something else happened, his face turned began turning ashen. He dragged Ward over until they were in front of Skye’s cell. While he did it, Fitz checked on Simmons and pulled her in a corner. He looked at Coulson as if asking if he should help. Coulson shook his head. Wanda didn’t blame him. She only hoped help would get here in time. 

“Took me a while to recover from my wounds,” Whitehall explained while looking at Skye. “Dragged myself out to alleyway. Took me a little while to find a person whose life I could steal.”

Skye looked angry but she didn’t move.

“When I first took her,” he said, forcing Ward to the ground to his knees while he cried out. “I didn’t know her powers had that added bonus. I thought it was just youth, but it was so much more.”

A loud explosion pierced the room. It sounded like it came from above. Wanda was glad that it distracted Whitehall enough for him to drop Ward. The young man fell into a heap. He was unconscious but at least breathing and the color return to his face. 

“What the hell is that?”

Wanda blasted her door open. When Whitehall had opened Skye’s door, she had broken Wanda’s cuffs. She had her powers back.

“That is your end, Daniel Whitehall,” she said. She threw a bolt at him hard enough to knock him off his feet but it didn’t do any damage. 

There was another loud bang that came from the outside of the room. Whitehall stood up but before he could do anything, the door burst opened.

Rogers, Falcon, Hawkeye, Vision, and Romanoff came through the doors.

Coulson came out of his cell and brushed his suit off with his good hand. He walked over to Whitehall. “I don’t understand why villains have this need to monologue. We were stalling you for backup. SHIELD’s job is to protect the people, which includes our agents, and people like Danielle. But super villains, that’s for the Avengers.”


	22. My Empire of Dirt

_I keep on fallin'_

_In and out of love_

_With you…_

Ward heard the song when he came in but he didn’t recognize it. Kara was washing dishes and swaying back and forth in a white sundress. 

For the first time, he felt happy. He didn’t know why. Just looking at her filled him with joy like the world was gone and even the things he had done had faded into a bad memory.

“Baby, I’m home,” he announced. Only because living with another former specialist, had proved that it was not wise to sneak up on each other.

Kara turned off the water. She turned around and walked to him, smiling. She wasn’t wearing her real face. She had gotten a picture from her mother a few days before and insisted on wearing the mask. Ward didn’t mind how she looked. He thought she was gorgeous even with the scars.

“Nice song, who did it?”

“What?” Kara asked, confused. “You don’t know this song? Alicia Keys? Like one of the biggest songs in 2001.”

Ward shook his head.

“What the hell did you listen to in high school?”

He didn’t respond. He only went to high school for a year and he hadn’t listened to a lot of music.

“I really wasn’t a music fan.”

“You weren’t a music fan? Please don’t tell me you listened to the Backstreet Boys?”

“Who?”

Kara looked at him oddly. “You don’t know who the Backstreet Boys are?”

“I told you not a music fan.”

“Were you in a coma in high school? What did they play at your prom?” her tone was amused. He guessed the Backstreet Boys and Alicia Keys had been popular while he was training with Garrett.

“I didn’t go to prom.”

“But you don’t know the Backstreet Boys. Did you live in a cave or something?”

Ward didn’t respond.

“Your face, Grant,” she said, her light and cheery tone was gone. “You weren’t actually living in a cave?”

“No, it was the woods.”

She looked confused. “The woods? What are you talking about?”

“Garrett broke me out of juvie. He took me to Wyoming and left me there.”

Kara looked shocked. Her eyes widened. “What, alone?”

“Not completely. I had a dog and Garrett would periodically check up on me and he taught me to how to shoot.”

“He left you alone when you were a teenager in the woods? Maybe to die.”

“I didn’t die. I was nothing, he made me into something.” 

“Grant,” she said, taking his hand. Hers felt damp. “He’s the one that made you a killer.”

“Doesn’t matter. I can’t take the people I’ve killed back,” he explained. “I just accept who I am.”

He was surprised when Kara hugged him tightly. He loved that he could tell her the terrible things he had done and she didn’t hate him. She understood because she had done terrible things too. The song on the radio changed to Johnny Cash singing Hurt.

“You never went to a dance or did anything with a girl?”

“Garrett took me to a prostitute when I got accepted into SHIELD. I had to take dancing lessons, I never danced with a date—Actually I never had a girlfriend. Everything was for the job and it didn’t mean anything. For about five seconds Skye liked me, and then she learned what I was. Garrett always said they would hate me if they found out. He was right.”

“I don’t hate you. Garrett was a monster.”

“I’m the monster now.”

She touched the side of his face. “No, you’re not.”

He knew he was but he didn’t tell her. He liked that she believed in him, but there was nothing she could say or do that could help him. He was beyond redemption. What he did want to do is help her? Help her deal with the trauma from all the people who had hurt her, Whitehall, Bakshi, and Barbara Morse. One was already gone; they toyed with Bakshi, and Morse was just a middle of time. Once Kara got her closure, they could move on into blissful happiness. He would hurt them for her. So she wouldn’t have to do it.

Kara put her left hand behind his waist, pulled him in close and rested her head on his shoulder. She began swaying back and forth to bring him into a slow dance. He moved with her and for just a moment, all his pain and suffering went away.

_Everyone I know goes away_

_In the end._

_And you could have it all,_

_My empire of dirt._

_I will let you down._

_I will make you hurt._

He had no idea where he was, but knew for the first time, he slept without nightmares and longer than short hours of broken sleep he normally had. In fact he wasn’t even sure how long he was out. He wasn’t in the vault or prison or back at the Avengers institute. His arm was in a sling and his shoulder was bandaged. The pain was dulled so he assumed he got a shot of something. 

It had been weird with Whitehall. In the past he masked the pain and didn’t feel it. Garrett told him to push it away but with Whitehall he felt the agony of being shot and of having his life sucked out.

He knew he was back with SHIELD only because he saw two Koenigs looking at him.

“I killed your brother quickly,” he said. “I only ask for the same courtesy.”

“Our mother didn’t raise us that way,” one of them said. He thought it was Billy. “She raised us to not seek vengeance. _See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone_. That’s why Fury trusted us to watch his secret bases.”

Ward wasn’t sure what to say. He knew nothing could bring Eric back. As things came more into focus, he saw a guard standing behind him. “I don’t know what I can do or say to fix things.”

“You can’t,” Sam said. “Eric is never coming back. Nothing you can do will change it. But we do know that some of your actions you had no control over.”

“Still. Your brother is dead because of me. I will do anything I can to make it up to both of you.”

“How do you like manual labor?”

“I think I can handle it.”

“Good, we have plenty for you.”

“Sam, Billy, thanks. It means a lot.”

“No,” Billy said. “We aren’t forgiving you. We just don’t believe in vengeance.”

 When they were gone, Simmons took their place. “Can you give me a moment?” she asked the guard.

“Ma’am, I was told—“

“Get out,” Simmons said. “Right now.”

The guard’s eyes widened but at least he left.

Simmons stood there for a long time without saying anything, looking at him with eyes wide. Ward didn’t know what to say either.

It was finally Simmons who broke the silence.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. Tears filled her eyes. “Now I know what you went through. I can’t imagine how bad it must have been. Just the few minutes I was under Whitehall’s control was devastating—Most your life being controlled by Garrett or Whitehall, I can’t even--“

Ward stood up. He wasn’t sure what to do. He had legitimately cared for Simmons but still he was hurt by her actions. Not just trying to kill him but her belief he really didn’t care. The only he could think to say was “It’s okay.”

Simmons shook her head. “It’s not okay. I called you a monster, I almost killed you. I’m the monster.”

“I tried to kill you.”

“You were being controlled, no different than Mike Peterson. No different than with Lorelei or even me. I could have killed Fitz.”

“You were hurt—You wanted vengeance. Hydra taught as all that. Hydra made all of us who we are.”

“No—Ward, don’t let me off the hook— Even while you were brainwashed, you still tried to save us. I tried to kill you with a clear head—I killed Sunil Bahski.“

“I don’t want the guilt to eat you alive. Simmons. When I was in the vault that’s exactly what happened. I could have done the right thing, instead I let the guilt consume me.”

Simmons sat on a nearby chair. “You were right at the cemetery. We were your family and never asked you why you did it. We thought you rejected us for Garrett, but really we rejected you.”

Ward didn’t know what to say. He hated seeing what Hydra had done. They didn’t just destroy his team; they changed people for the worse. Making them vindictive and mean. They destroyed Kara and nearly did him in.

Simmons looked up to Ward. “Can you forgive me?”

“Yes. Can you forgive me?”

“You don’t need it. I’ve been in your shoes.”

“It’s important to me, especially you and Fitz. Simmons—“ He took a deep breath. “I’m always going to wonder if it was me or not. I’ve been abused and brainwashed my entire life. I don’t want to become my abusers. What I did to Kara and Morse. That was what I was raised to become. I want it to stop.”

Simmons stood up from the chair. The tears were more flowing. She actually took Ward’s hand. “I forgive you. And I promise I will always let you know if become that person. As long as you’re always honest with me, I’ll keep you on the straight and narrow. As long as you return the favor.”

“Favor?”

“I don’t want to be the person who tried to kill you, or that killed Bahski. I understand that sometimes we have to take people down in self-defense, but I can’t become a vigilante. My parents didn’t raise me like that and I didn’t learn that at the academy. For a long time I blamed you, but I’m responsible for my own actions.”

 “Okay,” Ward said. “You keep me on the straight and narrow, I let you know if you’re being too judgmental.”

He was surprised when she hugged him tightly. And he couldn’t stop some of his tears from escaping. “I’m sorry, Simmons.” He managed to choke out.


	23. Secrets, Lies, and Truths

After a few hours of having his vitals and blood checked a million times, the guard finally escorted Ward to Coulson’s office.

When he got there Coulson sat behind his desk while Christine Weaver and May stood behind him. It felt like the inquisition.

“Sit,” Coulson said, motioning him to the seat across from him.

Ward thought about standing but chose to sit.

“Weaver, May, and I have been discussing you for a while. I also talked to the senior agents. The decision now is not only do you want to return to SHIELD and in what capacity but also if we would want you back. Do you want to come back?”

Ward didn’t say anything for a long time. On one hand when he needed help the most, when Kara needed them, they didn’t come. They were both brainwashed SHIELD agents and been left behind. 

“Ward?”

“It depends.”

“On what?”

“Whether I’m working for SHIELD or Hydra?”

“You’re working for SHIELD,” Coulson said without emotion. “We will no longer leave agents behind unless saving them will put more agents or people in life-threatening danger. We will train our agents that you don’t die for SHIELD, you die for people—but we prefer you don’t die at all. Secrets will still happen—to protect the public from a panic and to make sure certain things don’t get out. Also I’m not about to tell Fitz that Simmons makes more than him.”

“I’ll still need time to think about it,” he admitted. 

“This wasn’t unanimous,” May said, coldly. “I didn’t want you here and Skye doesn’t either. It’s nothing personal—well maybe it is, but you’re compromised. We don’t know what Whitehall or Garrett put in your head. We don’t know if one day some bit of programming will cause you to snap again. And I don’t know if you will fall back on your bad behaviors.”

Ward didn’t respond. He could bring up that Wanda said he was clean, that Simmons had the same issue, and alien DNA had corrupted Coulson. Yet May was happy to keep them around. He knew it was personal. May still held a grudge against him. But, if she didn’t want to trust him or forgive him, that was her issue, not his. 

“They took a lot of my students away,” Weaver broke the silence. “Some were murdered and others were brainwashed. The ones who were brainwashed, it was hell trying to deprogram them. Some even became violent. What Garrett and Whitehall did to you wasn’t your fault and you shouldn’t have to pay for their crimes. So I told Coulson to let you come back.”

“And I agreed. It will be conditional if you return. We’ll ease you in. You won’t be an agent, more of a consultant. What do you think?”

“For SHIELD and for Hydra, I was a killer. If that’s all SHIELD wants me for, it’s not going to happen. I meant what I said. I’m not going to kill again. So even if I do come back, what can I do? I mean besides help the Koenig brothers with manual labor?”

“You could teach,” Weaver suggested.

Ward almost snorted, but he didn’t because Weaver had spoke up for him. “What am I going to teach? Where the on button is on the holotable?”

“Teach other people self-defense in the field and how to shoot. You trained Skye. She learned quickly under your tutelage and May’s. And I want you to teach ethics,” Coulson said. 

This time Ward couldn’t control his laugh. “You want the guy who was brainwashed into being a killing machine, who still isn’t sure about right and wrong to teach ethics?”

“You’ve been on both sides of the fence. We need to start learning how to save people from themselves. It’s what we should have done for you and Kara. And then there are the tapes.”

“Tapes?”

“I have vhs tapes, dvds, and digital that were raided from various sources within Hydra. I would like you to look through them, if you can. Skye already created a program to look for important faces. Would you watch them for intel? See if you recognize anyone? You should know we found videos of agents being brainwashed. If you feel up to watching, we could try to find them.”

Ward didn’t say anything. Could he watch people being victimized like he had been?

“Let’s have a trial basis. I didn’t just speak to Weaver and May about reinstating you. I spoke to Fitz, Simmons, and Morse. Apparently Fitz and Simmons already buried the hatchet with you. Morse isn’t happy but she was understandable. It doesn’t mean everyone is going to welcome you with open arms. You liked working alone and you probably will for a while. Also I’m hiring three therapists. I know you worked well with Dr. Garner, but I think it’s better that you start with someone new. One condition of you working with us is you will go to therapy. No excuses.”

“Okay. Are they vetted? The therapists?” He wanted to continue working with Dr. Garner, who had done so much for him, but he understood if he continued to see him, it might put a wedge in his relationship with May. Ward didn’t care about May but he did for Dr. Garner. 

May and Weaver looked confused, but Coulson didn’t.

“Yes. They are vetted. We know their background. Dr. Garner recommended them.”

“Okay—“ Ward said. “Let’s take this one day at the time.” He wasn’t sure whether this was the right idea as there was mistrust on both sides. But he needed a place to work things out. To try to figure out what he wanted in life. 

Coulson actually smiled. “May, Weaver, I would like to speak to Ward alone if you don’t mind.”

As they left Weaver smiled, but May gave him a cold stare.

“It will be hard to regain trust,” Coulson said. “But—“

“Did you know?” Ward asked before Coulson could finish. He didn’t look at Coulson. He couldn’t. Not until he knew the truth. 

Coulson didn’t respond.

“You want to rebuild trust? I have a memory of something I said after my third suicide attempt. I want to know if I said it. Did you know?”

“Did I suspect that Garrett brainwashed you? Yes. Did I know he actually did it or that he abandoned you in the woods? No. That’s the truth.”

“What did I say? You had those guards pile on me to sedate me and cuff me to the bed. What did I say?”

“You screamed ‘John, please, no.’”

Ward looked up, this time making eye contact with Coulson. “I won’t tell them. I hate secrets. And we’re already starting with one, but I think they need to see their leader as almost infallible.”

“I don’t know about that. Ward, I was angry afterwards. Hydra destroyed everything I believed in. You were just there to take the fallout. I didn’t even bother to find out what Garrett had done to you.”

“I know,” he said, calmly. “I’m just a victim of circumstances.”

“No— Actually I don’t think you completely were.”

Ward looked confused.

“Dr. Garner didn’t say tell me what you said in session, but he did look up a name and then asked me to research it.” Coulson reached into his desk and pulled out a file. “I gathered intel from the files we have from Hydra. We found a list of some of the contractors who worked for Hydra inside SHIELD.”

He handed it over to Ward. When Ward opened it, all the color left his face. He couldn’t get a deep breath in and he felt light headed.

“Ward? Who is it?”

“Dr. Juno. The psychiatrist who saw me when I was 14 and told my parents I was dangerous. Are you telling me he worked for Hydra?”

“Yes. He got arrested when SHIELD fell. He destroyed most of his records, but the government suspected he was selling kids to Hydra.”

“Garrett knew.”

“He had too.”

“No, he knew everything about me, about my parents and my brothers. Details that only Dr. Juno knew. Shit. He told Garrett everything,” he stood up and paced angrily with his hands in tight fists. 

Coulson stood up. He walked over and nabbed Ward’s good shoulder to stop him from pacing.

“I’m sorry.”

Ward stopped. He looked at the wall. “They sold me. That’s why I never got my grandmother’s letters. Garrett did research on me so he knew which buttons to push. He knew my brother abused me.”

He felt light headed. All his life he had been sold from one manipulator to another like he was some package of goods.

Coulson actually steered him back to the chair and sat him down. A moment later he came back with a bottle of water.

“Drink,” he said. Ward let some of the liquid go down.

Coulson took the bottle and put it on his desk.

“I sorry Ward, I really am. SHIELD failed you at every turn and let Hydra victimize you.”

 

Wanda was waiting as the guard escorted him back to the infirmary. He didn’t know how long he would be there, but Coulson promised he would not being going back to the vault and that eventually he would get a small bunk and maybe in a few weeks lose the guard. 

“You staying here?” she asked. 

He nodded. 

“You will be okay? I don’t think many people here like you. You can come back with me. I’m sure you can help around the compound in some capacity.”

Ward shook his head. Even though, he had a stronger desire to be a janitor for the Avengers than working for SHIELD, he knew this was the place to figure out how what “I can’t. I have to make up for the things I’ve done.”

“But are these the people you should atone too?”

“The people I need to atone to are the families of the people I killed. I don’t think they’re going to be keen to see me.”

“You’d be surprised.”

“How can I tell Kara’s parents I killed her? Do you think they’ll hug me, give me a cup of tea?”

She smiled. “You’ll be surprised at people. Some of them can be surprisingly compassionate.”

He didn’t want to hear it, so he changed the subject.

“Wanda—you have no idea what you’ve done for me. I doubted I would have made it if wasn’t for you. Whatever you are atoning for, I don’t think you have to do it any longer.”

Wanda looked a little embarrassed at the praise but then she said. “If you mess up, I will come back here and kick your ass.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the reasons Ward's story resonants with me so stronger is because I was so disturbed by the Kids for Cash scandal. In case you are unfamiliar. A judge in Pennsylvania got kickbacks for sending teens to juvie, some for minor infractions. There is a movie about the case and the kids he sentenced were all traumatized by their experience and one even committed suicide. Every single system failed Ward including SHIELD.


	24. Healing

“Someone keeps spitting in my coffee cup.”

Dr. Overton, his new therapist looked at him oddly before talking. He had been seeing her for three weeks. Overall he liked her although he liked Dr. Garner better because he was sterner. Overton didn't coddle him, but she was more sympathetic to his situation. “Did you tell Director Coulson?”

Ward shook his head. “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.”

Overton didn’t look like she bought it. His integration back into SHIELD hadn’t been going that smoothly. He spent another week in the infirmary, then graduated to light duty which involved him getting a tiny little bunk that had frosted windows. At least he got sunlight. He wasn’t a prisoner, but it was a kind of parole. He had a cell phone, a tablet, and a communicator. Usually but not always, once a week, they blindfolded him and took him on quinjet to the nearest town where he had lunch, spent time in the sun and walked around. No one spoke to him except for Fitz and Simmons be he knew they were no longer his friends. It didn’t help that he had been pranked with some vicious practical jokes including someone who destroyed everything he owned including his only picture of Kara. 

When it happened, he called Overton at home, promising this was the only time, but he had nothing of Kara’s. They left everything behind in Mexico. For the first time since they started their sessions, his anger had gotten the better of him. He went to the kitchen and broke half a dozen coffee cups. That was the only reason Coulson knew about but he didn’t know about the Hitler mustache, his blanket and pillow vanishing at regular intervals, notes under his door calling him a Nazi, a murderer, or faking it. She told it was better it be coffee cups than punching a wall, himself, or someone else.

“I want you to tell Coulson,” she said, sternly. “I don’t want this to escalate.”

“It won’t. They’re just mad.”

Overton shook her head. “It doesn’t mean they have a right to do this.”

“It’s okay, Dr. Overton.”

“It’s not okay.”

“It’s only been a month. Things will calm down.”

“And if they don't."

"It will be okay."

"I expect you to not let your anger get the better of you, I expect the same from other SHIELD agents. Grant, I review the tapes of you in the vault. You were mistreated. We live in a society of laws,not an eye for an eye."

“I talked the Coulson about this—They were angry. It's in the past now.”

Overton shook her head. “Two people that you hurt have forgiven you. The rest of the team got their vengeance on you. Are you now seeking vengeance on them?”

Ward looked confused. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Skye, May, and Coulson treated you terribly. May broke you larynx, Coulson put you in solitary confinement, Skye mocked your suicide attempts and abuse. Yet, you let them mostly off the hook.”

“I did it verbally, Dr. Overton, we talked about what I said at the cemetery. I can tell you, guilt is one of the worst tortures ever.”

“Their guilt or the the guilt you had in the vault of the people you murdered.”

Ward didn’t reply.

“We’ve never talked about that. Why do you want to stay here? Remember Grant. This is all confidential. I’m not Dr. Juno. I’m only to report to Director Coulson if I feel you are a danger to yourself or others, but I will never tell him what you said.”

“You don’t have to keep telling me, I know.”

“I’m just making sure. I want to know why you want to stay here?”

“I want them to feel the pain too.”

“Like before, right. With Kara?”

Ward didn’t respond. “So you think I’m back to my original thought process. Trying to make people suffer?”

“I’ve only been in therapist for less than a month and you got moved from one therapist to another. I don’t expect you to recover right away everything you've gone through. It doesn’t work that way. Long term abuse and brainwashing takes a long time to overcome.”

“I’m trying—I just—I miss Kara. I miss having someone around who didn’t hate me—Even though she was forced to like me.”

“How do you know that?”

He didn’t respond.

“You loved her. Maybe she loved you.”

“I’ll never learn the truth. Not ever.”

“Life is always uncertainty. Sometimes people die without expressing what they feel.”

“I keep thinking about asking Kara’s mom, but I don’t want to lie to them about my role in her death. And I want to apologize to them, but I don’t know how. How can I say I murdered their daughter. I don’t think everyone is going to be as easy as the Koenigs but even they won’t forgive me.”

“How do you think they will react?”

“I think they might want me dead or in prison and I wonder if they would be right.”

“You don’t know that.”

He didn’t reply again. She knew from Dr. Garner that he tended to shut down when hearing things that hurt too much.

“Grant?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Let’s talk about the work you do around the base. Do you feel you are helping?”

“Three people come to my self-defense class and no one came to my ethics class. I scrub the toilets and do the laundry for Sam Koenig. Because somehow that will magically bring Eric back to life.”

“I’m talking about the other thing. The Hydra videos?”

No response again.

“I told you if it’s too much you can scale back or stop watching them. I know they are carefully vetted before you can see it.”

“I’m a broken man and a torture victim, I think I can handle those tapes.”

Overton smiled.

“Why the smile?”

“You’ve never called yourself a victim.”

“Does that minimize the bad things I’ve done?”

“No, but your trauma is separate from what you have done. You need to address both.”

“But it’s all mixed it. They all helped me become a murderer but I was the one that actually killed. Garrett is dead, Whitehall is a psychopath, and Christian probably lied to save his own skin. Ultimately I’m the one who has to feel the guilt for their actions.”

“What did we talk about? About what—“

Ward shook his head to interrupt. “I meant for what they made me become. It’s been drilled in my head. I didn’t cause Christian, Garrett, and Whitehall to abuse me.”

“What if I took you off the hook for Christian—Thomas has.”

“What does that mean?”

“That an 11 year old boy beaten by his older brother until he hurts his younger brother is duress. You were forced to do it. You told Dr. Garner what happened when you resisted. Adults have given in to less.”

“But I can’t forgive myself for continuing to do it. I tormented him for years.”

“If the person who hurt you can forgive, why can’t you do it for yourself?”

He didn’t know.


	25. Making Peace

Even though he walked among people, he felt exiled since only four people talked to him: Dr. Overton, Coulson, Fitz, and Simmons. Except he had to see Dr. Overton, Coulson was all about updates, and Fitz and Simmons smiled and said hello to him, but they didn’t seek him out socially. Some people looked at him with distain. Others looked at him in pity. Mostly they didn’t look at him at all.

Despite Fitz and Simmons forgiving him, they didn’t seek him out. Ward tried to enjoy his solitary time. It wasn’t all that bad. He called Thomas once or twice a week and saw Dr. Overton every other day. He tried his best to keep his anger in check. 

He had no friends here. For the first time, he didn’t want to be alone anymore, but if he stayed here he would be.

He was open and honest to anything Dr. Overton asked him, but she didn’t see the despair forming from his loneliness and he didn’t talk about it.

He wanted Kara back. He wanted someone to share being a pariah with. She hated SHIELD, not just because of Morse, but they left her behind. However, Ward found he couldn’t. He wanted too. He wanted to hate the people who could have helped him, but he no longer could. He started to see them more as flawed people rather than his saviors. He used believe that he could only find redemption if they forgave him, but he realized he had to do it for himself. 

His loneliness ironically led to more isolation. He started to go to sleep late so he could do a lot of his assignments when the agents were asleep or at home. The first few weeks felt weird. He had spent his entire life waking at the crack of dawn and not sleeping until work was done. Dr. Overton said one of the reasons he was more susceptible to brainwashing because he was regularly sleep deprived. Garrett had tried to brainwash him the conventional way by putting him a place where he was socially isolated, not given lot of food, and where it would be difficult to sleep. In the first six months he was lonely, hungry, and sometimes too scared to sleep. Whenever Garrett showed up, he wasn’t as lonely, hungry, or scared. He saw John Garrett as his savior but he realized deep down Garrett was scared to die. Ironically he didn’t hate Garrett as much as he should. He pitied him now.

The few weeks of going to sleep at 3am and walking up at 10 were weird but eventually he got used to it. There were always people around at all hours but he saw less of the people he hurt. He was grateful to almost never see Skye and he’d walk away if he saw her. 

He had dinner at midnight. He made a sandwich and ate it in the lounge area, usually alone.

And he was kind of surprised when someone sat across from him and he was even more shocked at who it was.

“We’re putting off the inevitable,” she said. She had a mug in front of her that looked like tea.

Ward didn’t know what to say. Morse had sold Kara to Hydra and had been unapologetic about it but he had tortured her and she had near died because of his actions.

“I thought about talking to you for the last two weeks,” she said. “I spoke to your therapist first. She didn’t think you would take the initiative, so I decided too.”

He wasn’t sure that he liked Overton talking to Morse. “I thought it would be better if we avoided each other. I have no beef with you, anymore.”

She didn’t respond, instead she kicked him hard in the knee under the table. It wasn’t enough to break anything but it did hurt a lot. He grimaced from the pain.

“Does hurting me make you feel better?” he asked, calmly. “Because it never made me feel better.”

“No—but physical therapy stinks. And being shot in the back though the chest hurts like hell.”

“That I can understand.” None of them knew that he still wasn’t fully recover from when Skye shot him. “Hurting you while I was brainwashed, I can’t tell you if I didn’t mean it,” he admitted. “I don’t know if I did what I did because of the brainwashing or that’s who I am. It bought the worst out of me. You were probably right that I was a coward.”

She didn’t reply for a moment. They sat in awkward silence.

Finally she broke the quiet. “I called you a coward, but deep down that’s not who you are, is it? Deep down is the man who loosened my cuffs and who couldn’t shoot me. I’m the one who deep down is the coward.”

“Coward is a strong word.” He didn’t say that Garrett numerous brainwashing attempts were to destroy the man who did the right thing or at least make him seem weak.

“I couldn’t face what I had done to get close to Hydra. I blamed Kara for what I did to her. I called her weak because I was. Is that enough closure for you?”

“I kind of don’t like that word anymore,” he admitted. “It’s not for me to decide. Kara is gone. SHIELD abandoned her, you sold her out, Whitehall tortured her, May took advantage of her psychosis, and I killed her. But ultimately whoever fault it was, she’s still dead. We all have to live with it. She deserved better.”

Neither of them said anything. Morse took a sip of her tea, Ward nibbled on his sandwich.

“I just wanted there to be no animosity between us,” she paused. “If you decide to stay with SHIELD.”

“I’m grateful that you came to me. I don’t know if I’m going to stay with SHIELD.”

“People will get used to the idea of you being here. Just give them time. If the people the most hurt by you can do, everyone else will fall in line.”

“They won’t. Forgiveness is possible. Repairing the schism, I don’t think it can be fixed.”

“It won’t be the way it used to with your team. But things can be made into something different.”

He liked her optimism but he didn’t have it. “I can’t trust them, they can’t trust me and I can’t even trust myself,” he paused and took a deep breath. He barely touched his sandwich. “SHIELD can’t survive unless there is trust. Hydra ripped it apart. It can’t be put back together.”

He realized how strong his words were, but they were true. In this case, John Garrett had been right. SHIELD agents had trusted the agency, and they had broken that trust repeatedly. 

“I think about leaving too. It’s such a mess sometimes. It’s so hard to figure out right and wrong.”

“Not that I would know a lot about right and wrong.”

She didn’t respond.

“Do you hate me, Agent Morse?”

“I want to but I don’t. Do you hate me?”

He shook his head. “The only person I truly hate is myself.”

 

“Why do you hate yourself, Grant?”

“For what I’ve done. Christian and Garrett abused me and what they did to me was their fault, but I didn’t fight back.”

“We talked about this. You were eleven and you were terrified.”

“Other people took on their bullies even though they could get hurt. I should have resisted John Garrett—“

“Your brother tortured you, Grant and your parents did nothing to save you. Of course you couldn’t resist John Garrett. He took a vulnerable teenager and said all the right things to him. Garrett had to brainwash you four times, and that means you did resist.”

He absorbed what she said, but he didn’t buy it. “I should have just let Christian beat me. I shouldn’t hurt Thomas.”

“Until he killed you? You told me when you resisted, what your brother did. How he tried to drown you and how he hit you. It was torture, Grant, torture. Adults would give in for what you went through.”

“But maybe I gave in too easily. Maybe I wanted to hurt Thomas. Maybe I was just like Christian but I felt shame and he didn’t.”

“You can’t beat yourself up for the rest of your life. Grant, do you think you would have hurt anyone if Christian or Garrett weren’t in the picture? Do you think Kara would be dead if Whitehall hadn’t brainwashed you both? This still goes back to you thinking you’re responsible for what they did to you.”

“But still I did hurt Thomas and I did kill those SHIELD agents and Kara.”

“Yes, you did. But you didn’t do it all on your own. And you didn’t answer the question. If Christian, Garrett, and Whitehall weren’t in your life, what kind of man would you have been?”

He didn’t respond for a moment. What kind of man would he have been? He didn’t know. His childhood before Christian started talking to him was a blur. He vaguely remembered they had several Latino staff members and he had picked up Spanish just from hearing them talk. He actually liked talking to them and listening to their stories. Then his mother found out and spent an hour screaming at him that he was not to talk to the help. And she backhanded him when that he ask why as they were nice people. A week later two of the people he spent time with the most were let go. He never talked to them again. 

“Morse said she things deep down under all this shit is a good man.”

“You talked to Morse?”

“She came to me. She didn’t want to walk around the base on tiptoes.”

“How does that make you feel? Do you still blame her for what happened to Kara?”

“She is as responsible as am I. That doesn’t change.”

“Are you angry with her?”

He shook his head. “Being angry won’t bring Kara back. Hurting others won’t bring her back either.”

Overton smiled. “Letting go of anger is an important step, Grant.”


	26. Holding Out

Even though he wasn’t a field agent anymore, he had plenty to do thanks to Billy and Sam Koenig. And that included a lot of data entry. Something he used to think was beneath him at the Hub. Now he was a desk jockey like them. One a week he taught self-defense but only three people showed up and the entire hour was awkward. No one showed up to his ethics class. Not that he expected it. He still thought Coulson meant it as a joke.

He also worked in the laundry room. It was deep in the basement and most people avoided it. Now that they knew his schedule, he came to find bags of laundry already waiting for him. He washed clothes, sheets, and towels. He cleaned combat uniforms that had blood on them.

It was solitude he actually enjoyed. Dr. Overton and he had talked about the difference between loneliness and solitude. She had talked to him about meditation, about clearing his mind. And he did it while in the laundry room allowing the hum of the washers to quell his racing thoughts. Everything would be silent except the guilt. He never wanted that to go away. He needed as a constant reminder not to return to his destructive ways but every day it was a struggle.

He knew he couldn’t stay in SHIELD. He didn’t know if Coulson was lying about safeguards but it didn’t matter. He had never believed in the organization to begin with and it had never helped him. He felt bad over the people he had killed but pledging allegiance to SHIELD was not a way to atone.

He stayed for now because he couldn’t figure out what else he could do. He spent almost his entire life relying on his brute strength rather than his intellect. For a long time that was all that mattered. SHIELD or Garrett didn’t really care that he wasn’t an idiot. They just knew he could kill for them. He could take the shot when no one else could. Now SHIELD could and he no longer felt it was right.

“Shit—“ said a voice. Ward looked up from his washers to see Skye toting a laundry bag. He managed to avoid her for weeks but now he couldn’t walk away. It was her he wanted to avoid the most, even more than May. May and he seemed to have an unspoken agreement that neither of them existed.

He wanted to be grateful to Skye. There had been triggers for breaking his brainwashing: Buddy, being away from Garrett, and his grandmother. It was Skye who had been the trigger the last time. He understood why she hated him, but he also felt hurt that she automatically assumed he had been working under his own power. And he didn’t know if he could forgive her for shooting him while he was unarmed.

“If you leave the bag I’ll wash them.”

“You’re not touching my stuff,” she said, her voice annoyed. Like at the cemetery, he still didn’t care what she thought.

“Fine. I leave here at 3, you can come back then.”

Skye didn’t leave though, nor did she put down her laundry bag. She looked him over while he stood there. The only sound the whirl of the washing machine.

“Are you still keeping your promise to tell the truth?”

He was surprised at her question. He had made a promise to her and still intended to keep it. “Do you mean the promise I made to you while coming out of brainwashing? Yes I’m still keeping it.”

She ignored the first part of his statement and said: “Why are you here?”

“I don’t understand what you mean?”

She rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. If you want to help SHIELD, why don’t you go to the Iliad? Why do you have to stay in the same place as your victims? If you want redemption, why do you have to be here to keep reminding your victims of what you have done?”

The words stung but he wasn’t going to allow her to manipulate him. “You and May are the only ones who still have a problem. Coulson asked me to stay and I’m staying. But if it will make you happy I doubt I’ll stay long. I need to work with my therapist to figure out what I want to do.”

“Why can’t you work things out elsewhere? Why here? Is it because of me? Do you still love me?”

Was that the issue? Did she really think he stayed because he still loved her? Was still obsessed with her? When he came out of brainwashing, he reached out of Skye, not knowing why. He mistakenly thought she could help him. He thought he could just see who he really was, she would stop hating him but he had been wrong. Skye didn’t forgive. 

“No,” he said. “I don’t.” He didn’t know if the words were true but he wanted her to stay away from him and understand he wasn’t here for her.

She looked hurt and that annoyed him. Wasn’t this was what she wanted? For him to leave her alone? Now she was upset that he didn’t fawn over her.

“So you don’t have to worry. There won’t be any more kidnappings, no more trying to get you to understand. I don’t know if I’m staying here, but until I do, you can do exactly what May and I do, pretend to be strangers.”

She went from annoyance to anger. “We can’t just pretend to be strangers.”

“Why not? What do you want from me, Skye?” He didn’t get angry. “Get on my knees and beg forgiveness? If saying sorry is meaningless to you, then why should I do it? I reached out for you when I needed help and you pretty much told me to shove it. Turning my life around no longer hinders on your forgiveness.”

“You’re not going to get it,” she said, coldly. He realized what her issue was now. She didn’t like that he no longer accepted her angry words without defending himself. He had felt that way in the vault. Had ignored her mocking because he felt he deserved it. 

“That’s fine. I don’t want it.” He didn’t lie when he told that to Andrew. He was legitimately sorry for what he had done. He wanted to end his cycle of violence, but he could no longer hinter his redemption on people who refused to forgive.

She didn’t say anything.

“I’m off at three if you want to do your laundry.”

She said nothing, instead she huffed out, stomping as she left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry. I won't end this story with Skye and Ward mad at each other. Promise.


	27. With My Own Eyes.

Simmons and Fitz were working alone in the lab when Skye came in fuming. She stomped around for a few moments before pulling over a chair to where they were working.

“You look pissed,” Simmons said. Her friend looked angry enough to kill. “Bad mission?”

“Ward.” She said his name with such contempt, Simmons worried that he had taken a step back. He seemed to be doing so well the last few weeks.

“What about him?” she asked, concerned.

“I just saw him in the laundry room.” Simmons felt relieved. Ward hadn’t hurt Skye, she was just angry at his presence. “He acted like a total asshole.”

“Yes, I should have warned you,” Fitz said. “He does laundry most days from 12 to 3.”

Skye didn’t say anything for a moment. Simmons knew of Ward’s former team. Skye and May were the lone holdouts for forgiving him.

“I guess you didn’t have a pleasant conversation?” Simmons said, she moved away from her work to give her full attention to Skye.

“I just don’t get it. Why does he feel the need to torture us by staying here? If he really wants redemption, why can’t he do it elsewhere?”

“Skye,” Simmons said. “Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on him?”

Skye looked at her stunned. So much she was speechless for a moment.

“You’re taking his side over mine?” she finally said, her voice annoyed.

“Wait a minute,” said Fitz. “No one is taking anyone’s side.”

Simmons was surprised at her anger and didn’t completely understand it. She hadn’t asked Skye to forgive him or be his friend. 

“Simmons—don’t let his modest charm fool you. He’s still the man who dropped you and Fitz in the ocean. He’s still a liar and a killer.”

“Skye, he was brainwashed,” Fitz said. “Like Simmons was.”

“Skye, you don’t know how it feels not to be in control.” Simmons shuttered as she remembered when Whitehall controlled her. Fitz must have sense her distress, but he touched her hand.

“I thought he did have some control?”

Simmons got a little annoyed. “Are you saying because Ward’s compassion made him harder to brainwash that he’s more responsible than I am?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“Skye, I almost killed Fitz. My best friend in the world. If Ward hadn’t stopped me, he’d be dead.”

Skye looked lost for words, which was unusually for her, finally she said, her voice low. “Why do you both have to be his friend?”

“I’m not his friend. I think that the damage is irrevocable. We’ll never be the family we once were. Ward did terrible things, but terrible things were done to him. He’s going to carry that for the rest of his life. But at least he’s trying. Give him a chance.”

She didn’t respond. She actually looked a little peeved. The three of them had never fought before. She hadn’t even been mad at Skye for not telling her about her power.

“This is what Ward does,” she finally said. “He makes everything worse.”

“Because I don’t agree with you? That’s not Ward’s problem, it’s yours.”

Skye looked livid now. Simmons didn’t know what else to say.

“It’s my problem, he was a psycho? I was the victim here. I thought I loved him and he betrayed me. He kidnapped me repeatedly thinking it was a good thing and he hurt my friends. I can’t believe you said that. I did nothing wrong.”

“Back off,” Fitz said. Simmons was surprised by his anger but it only upset Skye more.

“Back off?” Skye started, but Simmons didn’t let her finish. 

“Fitz, it’s okay.” Simmons didn’t get angry. She didn’t know what she could say to make Skye understand. “Skye, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not asking you to forgive him. I’m trying to make you understand how hard it is to resist brainwashing. I’m incredibly lucky that Whitehall put a small trigger in me, that Wanda easily removed it and that I had friends who believed in me. That’s why I’m didn’t go crazy like Ward and Agent Palamas.”

Skye said nothing. She got up, shoved the chair hard and angrily stomped over to another part of the lab. She had set up a program of facial recognition for the Hydra tapes. Only Coulson, Skye, or May were allowed to look at which names came up. Then they would assign it to a viewer. One of the viewers was Ward. 

She looked over the computer screen and all of a sudden, her anger was gone and the color drained for her face.

“Skye, who is it?” Simmons asked. She knew it had to be something bad to make Skye lose all her anger. 

Skye said nothing for a moment and then said: “John Garrett—It’s John Garrett.”

Neither Fitz nor Simmons said anything. She walked over and Fitz followed her.

“From when?”

“It came off a videotape and those weren’t labeled.”

Simmons looked over the computer screen. She could see John Garrett’s name attached to a file, but no date.

“Let’s tell Coulson.”

Skye didn’t. She clicked on the file and it began to play. The date came out in the corner: November 2nd, 1999.

“Skye—“ Fitz said, “Maybe we shouldn’t.”

But none of them made a move to stop the playback.

Simmons could see the back of someone. A tall man with brown hair who carried a person in his arms. Simmons could see dangling feet but the head appeared to be resting against the man’s chest and she saw an arm.

In front of the man was another one, white hair in his fifties. He sat next to a machine that looked terrifying like what Whitehall used to brainwash people. Two cuffs hung from the ceiling. And a metallic headset was attached to the wall.

“He’s not as light as he looks,” the man holding the person said. The voice was unmistakably John Garrett.

“Good evening Agent Garrett. Where’s your paperwork for the subject?”

“Hail Hydra, that’s my paperwork.”

The man laughed. “I need permission. Either Von Strucker, List, Whitehall, or Pierce. What I do isn’t simple.”

“I don’t have it but I’ll make it worth your while and I’ll handle the procedure.”

“You have nothing I want. And I doubt I’m going to let you touch my baby. Pierce wants me to handle all the procedures. How old is that kid?”

“Sixteen.”

“Sixteen is young enough to go the conventional route. Indoctrination works better on the teenage mind. Teenagers can break free of Faustus when they reaches maturity.”

“I tried that, really. I put eight months into this kid but he’s a stubborn mule. Let me at least put him down.”

The man nodded.

Garrett dumped the person into the chair that was attached to the brainwashing machine. Simmons knew exactly what this video was. Now Garrett’s face appeared on camera as he moved to the side. He was younger and had more hair. 

“We shouldn’t see this,” she said. “Skye, turn it off.”

But she didn’t and Simmons felt she couldn’t either. Fitz didn’t move or say anything. 

A tall, very thin teenage boy sat in the chair. His eyes were closed and he was obviously unconscious. His hair was black, long and stringy like it hadn’t been washed or cut in a while and his face was sunken in. He wore a v-neck t-shirt and Simmons could see his collarbones.

And she knew that this boy was Ward.

“I tried to get him to obey. I starved and isolated him. He’s smart this kid, that’s why I want him.”

“Smart how?” The man looked at Ward’s collar. “You really did starve him.”

“I left things around so he wouldn’t die right away but I didn’t make them easy to find. Kid found almost everything and he figured out things I didn’t even leave for him. He even fixed a rusted shotgun and made a couple of slugs for it. He made maps and walked distances to find abandoned cabins. This is empty land. Not a soul for 200 miles. Kid’s never been a boy scout and he was raised with servants to wipe his ass. Yet he managed to scout the land and lived off it. Best off, he didn’t die like the other two.”

Simmons looked at Skye then Fitz and both looked back at her, but no one said anything. Garrett had done this before. And both kids had died.

“This one is really smart. The problem is he’s too smart for his own good and he’s sneaky. To reward him, I took him out for a meal. He ate the meal, pretended the entire time he was devoted to me. He tried to run off to the police after dinner. Kid made sure he wouldn’t have to run on an empty stomach.”

“Maybe you just ought to leave him out there for a while longer.”

“No—this kid. I need a little more of a kick to break him. There’s something about him. He was abused pretty severely by his older brother and mother, yet they didn’t full break him. He still cares for other people.”

“Worth my while?” the man asked.

“What do you want? I have access to some cool things at the fridge.”

“X-ray specs?”

“I’ll even get you two.”

Simmons looked down. That man sold Ward out for some high tech glasses.

The man took Ward’s arms and locked them to the ceiling. That was when he opened his eyes. He blinked a few times before looking at Garrett.

“Hey kid.”

“What’s going on?” he asked. His voice sounded tired and sluggish. Simmons realized that Garrett must have drugged him. He pulled hard at the cuffs. 

“You tried to run away.”

“I just wanted to go home.”

“You can’t, kid. They don’t want you there. You’re right where you belong. If you go home, they’ll send you to prison.”

“It’s okay,” he said. “I have to face what I’ve done.”

“Not going to happen. You’ll thank me later, kid.”

Ward looked less tired and now looked more panicked. “What are you doing to me?”

“You have a weakness inside you, kid. You get too sentimental and attached. I’m going to use a machine to make that all go away.”

“No—“ he said. “Please don’t—I’ll do better.”

“You will with the machine’s help,” Garrett said, without pity.

Then Ward looked angry. “I’ll fight you. I’ll fight you all the way.”

“Don’t,” Garrett said, touching the Ward’s head. “If you fight, it will hurt. If you give in it won’t.”

“Please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to run off. Please just let me go home.” he said and started crying. “Please. I hate being alone. Don’t send me back there—“

The video stopped. Fitz was the one who stopped it, but it was Skye was the teary eyes. 

“We shouldn’t watch anymore,” Fitz said, trying to control his own tears.


	28. Seeing Your Hell

“They only watched for few minutes,” Coulson explained. “Just to make sure it was you.”

“Skye saw it?” Ward asked, and then looked down.

“And Fitz and Simmons,” Coulson explained. They were in Coulson’s office along with Dr. Overton. “But not the whole thing. Just a few minutes. Once they confirmed it was you, they turned it off.”

Ward didn’t believe him. He hated the idea of Skye seeing any of his pain. He didn’t trust her not to use it against him. He thought about she acted towards him in the laundry room, filled with anger and hatred. 

“Grant—you don’t have to watch it,” Overton said. 

“Which one was it?” he asked, looking up and ignoring Overton. 

“It was the first time,” she explained. “You were a teenager. You don’t have to watch it. Or we can watch it together. I think that’s the best way to handle this.”

He shook his head.

“Then do you mind if I watch it? I promise everything I see I won’t tell a soul. It will help me with your therapy and then you can delete if you want and destroy the original.”

“No, I don’t want to watch it together. I don’t want you to watch it or anyone else. I want to do it alone.”

Overton frowned. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. From what Skye told me, what little she saw wasn’t pleasant.”

“She already saw enough. I don’t trust any of you to let you see what happened to me.”

“Ward,” Coulson said. “I promise that no one is going to judge you and Dr. Overton is not going to use what she sees against you. She is here to help you. No one wants to hurt you.” 

Except Skye. He remembered her words. How she wasn’t going to forgive him. 

He was uncomfortable watching himself, but the one thing he did want was no one else to see it. “I’m not sure if I believe that yet. I rather see it alone.”

Overton didn’t look happy, but she relented. “Okay. Watch it in your room. When you’re done, I want you to immediately see me and we’ll talk about it. Whatever you see Grant, remember it can’t hurt you.”

“That’s an order, Ward,” Coulson said. “Not a suggestion.”

Ward wanted to tell him what he could do with his orders, but instead he said: “That’s fine.” 

 

Coming out of his room, he didn’t know what to think. He watched the entire thing. He complied with Garrett in less than an hour. He fought back against Garrett for less than a minute and he fucking cried like a baby. Everyone was right about him, Skye, Christian, and Garrett, he was weak. The fact that he was empathetic didn’t matter. He didn’t fight. Morse was right. Deep down was a coward to chicken to fight back.

He walked out of his room and he started walking towards Overton’s office. Coulson had left a guard who wasn’t supposed to look conspicuous, but Ward made him pretty quickly. He kept his cool and put on poker face. He told himself not to look upset or angry. 

No one looked at him, but their faces had different expressions from before. Usually they were either filled with hatred, contempt, or pretended he didn’t exist, but now he felt they weren’t making eye contact because they knew. Did Skye tell everyone? Did she have a drink with the other agents and they had a good laugh as his expense? 

About halfway to Overton’s office, she stood there was waiting for him. She made eye contact and gave a half smile. He kept his poker face.

He looked like he was about to walk to her instead he punched a glass window very hard with both fists until it shattered. He felt the pain of his broken finger and the glass cutting his hand. He was always in pain. Emotional and physically but he never cried out for it. Never screamed. He just took it.

He grabbed a large shard and held it out as Dr. Overton tried to walk to him. He didn’t know if he wanted to stab someone or slice open his throat. 

“Stay away from me,” he hissed.

“Grant,” Overton said, calmly. At least she stopped walking. “Put it down.”

Other people around him had their guns raised. Not all of them were icers.

“No.”

“Everyone,” Overton said. “Put your guns down. Let’s not escalate this.”

Her words did little. Only a handful of people put their guns down. They all still believed that he was a monster. Maybe he should oblige them.

“Ward,” said another voice. This time it was Coulson. Who had come into the hallway and stood about ten feet away. He didn’t have a weapon out. “We can talk about this. No reason to ruin everything you’ve done so far.”

“I’m done talking. All we do is talk and nothing ever changes.”

“Things have changed,” Overton pleaded. “You said you didn’t want to be a killer anymore. That’s a huge step.”

“I never fought back,” he said. “Not against any of them. I cried in the video, Dr. Overton, like a goddamn baby.”

“Grant,” she said, putting out her hands. “You were forced to do something against your very nature. You’ve never had a single person on your side looking out of your best interest. Not your parents, not John Garrett and not SHIELD. Giving in to the physical and emotional violence was not your fault, but you can’t let them still control you. You have to stop blaming yourself for being abused.”

He tossed the glass shard to the ground and it shattered. “I don’t know what to do.”

“We’ll figure it out.”

He didn’t get a chance to reply. Something hit him and everything went black.

 

He woke up in the infirmary. He wasn’t restrained but there was a guard. Simmons was there. She was holding bloodied cotton balls and he felt the sting of antiseptic in the wounds on his hands. 

“Remember when I told you I would tell you if you were being your old self. You’re being your old self,” she said as she discarded the cotton balls and rubber glove in the medical waste bin. 

“I wasn’t going to hurt anyone,” he said.

“Maybe you need to stop hurting yourself. I cleaned up your hands.”

Ward looked over his scratched hands. He touched one of the deeper wounds. There was pain but he didn’t flinch.  
“He trained me for years to be impervious to pain. To ignore it, swallow it. When I showed up beaten up at the Providence base, it was Garrett who beat me. And I let him. And I was stone-faced the entire time. I let him hurt me without complaint.”

She took his hand and smiled.

“Simmons— Do you think we can ever be friends again?”

Her smile vanished. “I don’t know if I can be one. I’m sorry. I just can’t let go of everything that has happened. How can we have a meal and not be reminded that you threw Fitz and I into the ocean and I tried to kill you. It’s not like we can talk about small things. When was the last movie time you saw a movie.”

He never saw movies before he joined the team.

“Kara and I went to see Fury Road. It was dubbed in Spanish badly.”

Simmons looked at him strangely.

“We were both brainwashed, but we do a lot of domestic things. We’d go on dates, watch TV. I’d translate the Spanish soaps for her.” He didn’t tell Simmons that he missed her. That despite the brainwashing, those few weeks where they set up shop he was actually happy. Then the outside world came to haunt them again. They had made plans to get Morse once Coulson showed up. He had no idea if he pushed her to do or her need for vengeance was the reason. Still those times, pretending the outside world didn’t exist. He almost felt happy. She had deserved better. 

“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I just don’t know if I can. I don’t know if time can heal all wounds.”

She left the room before he could say anything else.

He waited a few moments. And he made sure he was alone with only the guard. Ward got up and headed to the bathroom, but quickly subdued the guard with a sleeper hold. He grabbed the icer but left the 9mil alone. He tucked the icer in the back of his pants. He had no plans hurt anyone except to ice them. 

This was just something he had to do. 

He made his way to the exit of the infirmary and opened the door.

To Skye.

She didn’t look at him with contempt for a change.

“Where are you going?” she asked, surprisingly calm. Less hostile than she was in the laundry room. “Where’s your guard?”

“I have to take care of something. He’s not hurt.”

“Are you going to hurt someone--” she paused. “Or yourself?”

“Yes, but not the way you think. I’m going to break someone’s heart.”

“You’ll never make it to the bay. Coulson wants you to be escorted everywhere. You’ll be noticed if you are alone.”

“I’ll figure out a way.”

“Or I could escort you.”

Ward looked at Skye like she was insane.

“I think I needed to see your hell,” she explained. “To really believe it.”

 

Coulson was in his office when he got the call that someone had taken an unauthorized Quinjet. A few minutes later, May came into his office.

“It’s Ward,” she said. “He knocked his guard unconscious. I don’t know who let in or opened the bay doors.”

“What was he thinking?”

“Phil—I don’t know what he’s up too. We can’t risk that he might hurt—or kill someone.”

Coulson wasn’t sure what to think.

“Is there a tracking device on board?”

“It’s been disabled. Look let me get a Quinjet in the sky. I’ll get him to land one way or another.”

“What if it’s something innocent?” Coulson asked. The truth was. Coulson had put his anger about Ward behind him. He had hoped he wasn’t wrong about the young man trying to redeem himself or that before was just a slip up. “Maybe he just needs time alone to absorb that video.”

“Phil—if he kills someone, it’s on us. We let him go.”

Coulson didn’t want to believe that the man who refused to kill Whitehall the man who had tortured him and Kara, would suddenly now want change his mind. Coulson worried more Ward would try to kill himself. 

“Get two jets in the air. Do not shoot him down. Get him an escort to where ever he’s going—“

“You don’t have too.”

Coulson was surprised to see it was Skye at the door. 

“What are you talking about?” May asked.

“I let him take the Quinjet,” she explained. “I know exactly where he’s going?”

“Skye, why didn’t you tell me?” Coulson asked.

“You wouldn’t have let him.”

“I might have been open to it. What is he doing?”

“He’s doing something he needs to do and what we should have done.”


	29. The Truth

“So I killed your daughter.”

Kara’s parents looked at him stunned. This was probably the most uncomfortable thing he had ever done. He felt for the first time in control of himself and he needed to fix what he had done while he had a clear head. 

“I didn’t mean to or want to, but still I’m responsible.”

When they didn’t say anything, he continued. “I’m not here for forgiveness. I’m not here to reduce my guilt. That will never happen. I’m here because you both deserve the whole truth.”

They still say nothing. Kara’s father was white, but her mother was Indian. She was in her late fifties but Ward could see the resemblance as she had Kara’s beautiful hair. Ward sat in a chair adjacent to a floral couch where Kara’s mother Marilyn sat. Her father Joseph stood across from him. 

“I’m not going to prison for it even though I should. It’s very complicated on the reason why, but I will do anything for you. Answer any questions and accept any punishment.”

“Kara vanished for so long,” her mother finally said. Both of her parents worked as diplomats but her father had retired recently. “When SHIELD fell and I couldn’t get in touch with her I thought she was dead. We had contacts in the government but she wasn’t on any lists of the dead. She was listed as missing. One of our friends told us off the record she had probably joined Hydra but Kara would never do that. My daughter had undying loyalty to SHIELD. What happened to her?”

“When SHIELD fell, she fled to a safehouse. She was abducted by Hydra leader Daniel Whitehall—“

“That man in the papers a few weeks ago?” her father asked.

Ward nodded. He paused for a moment, unsure if he wanted to hurt Kara’s parents by telling them, but they needed to know she was never Hydra. 

“Kara was brainwashed by Whitehall to do his bidding— She was always loyal to SHIELD. She was forced to join Hydra. I had been brainwashed to follow a man named John Garrett and later had been brainwashed again by Whitehall.”

“Brainwashed?“

“Hydra has a method called Faustus. I’m not sure entirely how it works. It bends a person’s will and forces them to follow. Kara and I were both brainwashed. I only recently got free from Whitehall’s influence.” He decided not to tell him that he was somewhat immune to brainwashing. He didn’t want them to think that Kara had been weak. 

“When she called, she said she was safe and had met someone—“ Marilyn asked. “That was you?”

Ward nodded. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He had no idea if this was the right thing or not. He knew Coulson would be furious that he was giving Kara’s parents SHIELD intel but they deserved to know. He didn’t give a flying fuck about what happened to him or SHIELD. Kara needed real closure and her parents did too. 

“She was different on the phone. Oddly happy. Kara was very stern and she was always all business. She sounded so happy on the phone. Do you make her happy?”

“I don’t know. We were both messed up from the brainwashing, I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. I’m sorry I’m alive and she isn’t.”

Joseph didn’t seem angry but walked away and vanished into another room. But her mother stayed on the couch. Ward couldn’t tell if she was angry or not. Both her parents seemed more stunned than anything. 

“Can you tell me about when she was happy?”

Ward was surprised. He also thought that Kara’s father would come back with the police or a weapon or something but he didn’t care. 

“We were living above a Mexican restaurant. She was waitressing and I was doing dishes. It was so far from our SHIELD life. She liked cacti, Norse and Greek mythology, walking in the rain, dancing, and listening to music. She wasn’t into Indian food because nothing could beat her mother’s cooking.”

Her mother said nothing but looked down. She choked back tears. 

Kara’s father reappeared. Ward was surprised that instead of a weapon or the police, he carried a tray with three cups of tea.

He placed the tray on the coffee table in front of Marilyn. He handed a cup to his wife and then one to Ward. He took it despite it feeling awkward. He killed their daughter and they were giving him tea.

He took the last one for himself. 

“I told her not to join SHIELD,” he explained. There were tears in his eyes. “And after the battle of New York, I told her to look for a safer job. I could have gotten her a job at the diplomatic core with me, but she was stubborn.”

“Sir, she’s not dead because of you. She’s dead because of me.”

“I know,” he said, looking down. “You left her at the hospital in Spain didn’t you? Along with all her contact information, and an envelope with 5 thousand dollars. Enough to cover her funeral and headstone.”

“Yes. That was me. I was a coward and left her. I should have turned myself in but all I wanted was revenge for the people I thought killed her, not realizing that I did it.”

“And she was horribly scarred,” he said, tentatively. “Did you do that?”

He shook his head. “She had a fight with another SHIELD agent when she was brainwashed. I never wanted to hurt your daughter. Not ever, but still I did.”

“Grant,” her mother said. He was surprised she called him by his first name. “I thought Kara was dead and we never said goodbye. When she was contacted us, she was different. I don’t know why. Something about her personality was off. She wasn’t herself. Kara has never been the domestic type. She had boyfriends of course but she never wanted to settle down. She was insanely stubborn. I asked what happened and she only told me she had to lie low for a long time but she was in a situation where she could briefly talk. We only talked twice. Once before the two men from SHIELD came, and once after. Kara never cried, but she did in the first call. She told me and her father she loved us. Thanks to that first call, we had a chance to say goodbye and have closure.”

Ward choked up at the word.

He was surprised when Marilyn took his hand firmly but gently.

“It means a lot to me that you came. I can’t say I’m not upset about Kara’s death or your part in it, but I can see in your eyes, Grant, the pain and remorse—And love.”

“How can you forgive me?” he asked. “I murdered her.”

They were interrupted by the doorbell ringing. No one responded to it, but whoever was at the door didn’t seem to want to go away as it rang a few times.

“I’ll get rid of them,” Joseph said.

Ward took a sip of tea because he didn’t know what else to say. He almost wanted them to be angry with him just like all the other people he’d hurt. Why didn't Joseph punch him or Marilyn throw hot tea in his face?

A moment later Kara’s father came back with Coulson, May, and Morse. Ward was surprised to see all three of them.

“You?” Her mother said to Coulson.

“Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Palamas,” Coulson said. “I know I didn’t introduce myself before. My name is Phil Coulson. I am the current director of SHIELD.”

No one said anything.

“I assume Ward confessed to killing your daughter. I don’t want him to take that burden alone. The three of us are also responsible for your daughter's death. Your daughter needed us—Needed SHIELD and we left her behind. Ward might have done the actual deed, but SHIELD failed your daughter and as director. I take full responsibility. I cannot undue all the mistakes that were made. I can only promise it will never happen again.”

“It won’t bring our daughter back,” Joseph said 

“I know. I know there is nothing I can do to fix it.”

“Why did it take so long to tell us?” Marilyn snapped. Ward was surprised that she was more angry at Coulson than him. “Grant, here, at least was brainwashed, what's your excuse?”

“I don’t have one, I’m sorry Ms. Palamas. Really I am. I have no excuse for my actions. Your daughter needed help, Ward was the only one to reach out to her but he was in trouble too and we didn’t help him either.”

“Director Coulson, I appreciate you coming here,” Joseph said. “But I think you all better go.”

“Except for Grant,” her mother said, taking his hand again. “He can join you in a few minutes.”

Ward waited as the others left. He had no idea what Marilyn planned to say.

He was shocked when she embraced him. “You wanted to know why I forgive you? My Kara is gone,” she said. “But there is too much pain in the world and in you, for hate.”

Ward held his tears back. So many people came into his life and taught him violence was the only way. He never thought there was any other until now. 

 

May was the only one who waited outside. He didn’t know where the others were. He didn’t feel better seeing the Palamas’, but he hoped that his visit helped them. He knew the guilt was never going away and he didn’t want it. It would keep him on the right path. 

“I sent them up ahead,” she said.

He didn’t respond.

“I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.”

“I don’t want to hear it, May,” he said. “I don’t care anymore whether you forgive me or not. Not being a killer anymore. That no longer hinders getting forgiveness from others.”

They stood there in the street for a few moments. He wasn’t sure what to do or say. It really hadn’t been personal when he hurt her feelings. He had a mission and he had no choice but to obey. He never completely understood why it upset May so much. She had been trained by SHIELD the exact same way. The job was never personal. 

She finally broke the silence. “I don’t like being called the cavalry because once to save the SHIELD agents, I murdered a little girl who had mind-control powers. I hated you for two reasons. You gave in. I thought you were weak because you gave in. To Lorelei, to Garrett, and to Whitehall and I thought Kara was weak too.”

“She wasn’t.”

“I killed a child to save SHIELD agents and you helped kill them. Thousands of agents died, Ward. I felt I killed that little girl for nothing.”

“I didn’t kill a thousand SHIELD agents, May. I didn't destroy SHIELD either or kill that girl. You want to blame me for I’ve done, make sure it’s something I’ve actually done. I'm not longer ashamed that I gave in to Christian, to Garrett, to Whitehall, or even to Lorelei. I was their victim. I didn't ask them to abuse me.”

She didn’t respond for a few moments but he had said his peace and began walking away. She caught up with him.

“Wait— hold up.”

He didn’t stop walking but she walked with him. “Why don’t we just go back to ignoring each other?”

She didn’t say anything for a good fifteen seconds. “Every morning, I do Tai-Chi. It helps clear out my mind. It might be good for you to join me.”

He stopped but didn’t look at May. He realized that maybe she was putting out an olive branch in the best way she knew how. 

And maybe he thought, he did want her forgiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one very short chapter coming up.


	30. Epilogue -- Picking up the Pieces

Things got a little better after. He still felt some animosity and still didn't have any friends, but no longer felt like the horrible presence haunting the base. The practical jokes stopped and a week later two pictures of Kara appeared on the door to his bunk. One had a note: Went on a mission with her once. She was a good agent. She was very stubborn and it was always her way or the highway, but we made it out alive. 

He placed them next to his bed to remind himself that he was doing it for her. 

Instead of always talking about the past to Dr. Overton, he talked about the future. He had gone a crusade to make people suffer the way he had suffered, but he focused on the wrong thing. He wanted vengeance for Kara, but vengeance wasn’t healing. He was thinking that Skye was right, he should go to the Iliad, not because he was a pariah here, but that Weaver told him about the brainwashed academy students. She hadn’t found all of them. He wanted to help. Dr. Overton was willing to transfer not only to help him but also the brainwashed students. 

He also knew eventually he would have to remember what Garrett did to him and he needed to not react with violence. Garrett was gone. He could never hurt Ward again. 

He stopped being a night owl but he didn’t become a person who woke up at the crack of dawn anymore. His meals were later than most of the other agents but he wasn’t alone in the cafeteria any longer. He lived on sandwiches. It was just the easiest thing to do.

He looked over his BLT. He remembered that every once in a while Garrett would bring outside food and he would gobble it out and his admiration for Garrett would increase ten-fold for this reward.

His thoughts were interrupted by a bang. Not a loud one but enough for him to look up. 

The bang came from someone throwing the game Battleship onto the table. Ward looked over the cover and enjoyed a good memory before everything changed. He wondered if he had stayed with his team a little longer, he might have broken Garrett’s control completely. Wanda seemed to think he would have.

He looked up to see Skye had been the one that threw the box.

She slid into a chair across from him. “I have a day off before I go on a mission and I have some downtime. I thought we might play.”

“Are you sure?”

“Maybe we can play rather than talk. It will never be the same between us, but after seeing what Garrett did to you, I know now that you needed a second chance and we were unwilling to give you one.”

“I don’t want pity.”

“It’s not pity. It’s what you want. You told me one day I’ll understand, well now I do.”

Ward didn’t say anything. He opened the box and began to pull out the pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for the kudos and the comments! I hope everyone enjoyed the story. I'm probably going to take a bit of a break from fanfic and work on original stuff. 
> 
> I don't know what season 3 will bring for Ward. Even if the writers give him a redemption arc, I don't know if they can undo the damage from the end of season 2. I got invested in Ward and his possible redemption but season 2 was such a let down. I kind of want to give disinvest in him and the show and just enjoy Brett's acting.


End file.
